WWE BACKLASH 2005 REBEAK
EDITOR'S NOTE: Allow me to explain this a little bit. It would make more sense in the realm in which I submitted it. I had a tape of last Sunday's WWE PPV, Backlash, and I was bored, so I rebeaked (AKA Recaped) it. Over on one of the websites I frequent, WeeklyVisitor.com they basically rebeak most of the WWE shows, and some other ones as well. If you have ever clicked on the link of the main page and read some of their stuff, you'll see they make light of it at the same time. I played mine a little more straight then they do, but I still went with making up nicknames and the such. If any of you read their stuff over there, you might not get all the jokes, mostly because they're all inside jokes or plays off of anime, and you have to read their stuff for awhile to figure out what they're saying. Or read their Glossary. Or cry. One of those. Anyway, here is what I wrote. Any feedback is appreciated, since I offered them to rebeak the PPVs for them. As of Wednesday they haven't posted it, but like I said, it probably sucks. Wait, did I say that already? I wish I knew...
Pre PPV: Man, I really hope I don’t fuck this up. I’m teetering on either being hated or tolerated around here. I’m the tweener. Call me Bischoff. Or Ishmael. You stopped reading, didn’t you…
Opening video: Hulk Hogan almost a quarter century ago. Crowd chanting “One More Scratch.” They all itch. They have Hulkamania. Poor souls. Which brings us into Batista winning at Wrestlemania, in case we forgot. HHH declares he owns the belt. Which is completely possible. Maybe he wrote his name on the other side of the belt like his panties? In case he forgets.
I hate those knife or scabbard things. Pyro Pyro and more Pyro. I can’t make out the music to this show, but don’t worry, they’ll shill it a few dozen times in the coming weeks. At least it isn’t Creed. Or maybe it is… I have no clue. King claims that HBK and Hogan are a dream team. I thought that they played basketball? Hogan has mad hops. Hugo Sandvoninich and Carlos Cabrerea En Espaneol. Looks like we start this PPV off. I’ll bet it’s over by 9:45.
IS MY CONTRACT UP YET? enters first, because tradition is ALIVE in New Hampshire. I NEVER TOUCHED VERONICA is next, and he looks cocky as ever. Much more cocky than Jericho. Cause he’s a brother, my man. King asks JR if he likes “Shelton’s a little bitch.” JR thinks it’s head turning. Huh? Lock up, Shelton behind. Jericho reverses into a waistlock takedown. Shelton reverses and they roll all over each other sexily. Shelton with a scissorlock and Jericho rolls on top for a pin. Shelton and Jericho muscle up and Shelton gets the backslide for a quick count. Jericho with a charge into an armdrag. Shelton with the armbar as Jericho slowly gets up. JR says Shelton has beaten plenty of people with his t-bone. No plug for the sauce though. Jericho reverses tit. Shelton is taken down, and nips up. Shleton springboards off the ropes to break the hold, nice. Armdrag down into another armbar. King claims JR did a springboard against HHH. I want to see the tape. Now they go into a “brawling mode” as JR says. Jericho with the chops against the ropes. More sauce on it please. Jericho whips Shelton into the ropes. Shelton with a kick to the midseciotn and an attempted suplex. They each block it until Shelton gets Jericho over the ropes to the apron. Jericho with a shoulderblock. Shelton attempst the sunset flip over the ropes, but Jericho holds on to the ropes, and hits a hurcanarana. Both men down and LET’S SEE IT AGAIN! Jericho rips padding off the crowd barrier, drops Shelton right on it, the tosses him in. Jericho picks Shelton up and hits a stalling suplex. Jericho does the cocky cover. Kickout at one. Into the ninja chokeout. Which I wouldn’t have called without the Weekly Visitor GLOSSARY (cheap plug) Jericho basically lets Shelton up and punches him back to a knee. WOO chop. And a whip. Shelton hits a flying forearm, and both are down. Jericho with a flying dropkick, and then chokes him on the ropes. Jericho circles. Like a lion. Shelton reverses a whip into the corner and hits a backdrop suplex. Both men down. Shelton in control, drives Jericho into the corner and more WOO chops. Shelton attempts a whip into the opposite turnbuckle. Jericho reverses it and hits the bulldog. Jericho attempts the lionsault, but Shelton tosses him over the ropes to the outside. They brawl on the apron. Going to the to rope. Jericho hits Shelton off., then waits for awhile. Shelton runs back up, fucking FLIES onto the top rope and superplexes Jericho off. Gets a two count. I swear, if Shelton had messed that up, he would have looked stupid. Shelton whips Jericho into the ropes and hits a body press. Gets a two. Rest hold as we get a body scissors. “Y2J” chants. Jericho fights out and WOO chops him. Goes to the ropes and hits a flying forearm. Sleepy spot as the ref counts to eight. Both men up. Shelton goes for the splash on Jericho in the corner. Jericho dodges and hits a shoulderblock. Runs on his back. The man be walking on me! Don’t tread! Jericho shouts “ASSCLOWN!” Then runs into a Samoan drop. Gets a two. Shelton gets Jericho in the turnbuckle. A few punches and whips him into the opposite turnbuckle. Shelton charges and eats the elbow. Jericho with the enzurigi (sp?) Gets a two. Crowd isn’t happy. Jericho up. Whips Shelton into the ropes and dumps him, but Shelton gets on the apron and hits a springboard bulldog. He jumps like a friggin monkey. RACISM. Shelton with the manhastrol cradle, but Jericho kicks out and attempts the Walls of Jericho. Can’t do it, so he fulcrums him into the turnbuckle. Shelton lands on the second rope, jumps down and hits T-BONE! T-BONE! BRING THE SAUCE! Gets two and a half. Foot on the rope baby! Shelton drags Jericho into the middle of the ring. This won’t work, King agrees with me. Shelton covers for a two count. He waits for Jericho to get up. Attempts the T-Bone. Jericho fights out, and locks in the Walls of Jericho to the crowd delight. And your delight. Fatty delight. Nobody will get that joke. Shelton holds on, and screams for the ropes. Makes it. The crowd is not pleased, and JR acknowledges it. Jericho up and shitkicks him in the side. Ref breaks it up. Shelton flips around for a flying kick to the face. Both men down. Shelton covers for a two. JR says that if Jericho hadn’t gotten his shoulder off the mat, that would have been it. No shit, Sherlock. Jericho up and grabs the legs for the Walls of Jericho. Shelton pulls Jericho down with those strong legs and flips over Jericho for a pin. 1..2..3.. Lillian gets the name correct. Shelton is a happy man. Jericho not happy. Play the replays of what we just saw in case I was peeing. JR says Shelton is still IC Champ, much to the chagrin of Jericho. Chagrin? That dork with the glasses that interviews people attempts to get a word with Jericho, but he ignores. Don’t worry Chris, so do I.
We are backstage with I DIDN’T TOUCH VERONICA EITHER interviewing WANNA SEE MY MONKEY IN THE BANK? I choose this moment to pee, as I somehow now need to go. I come back as Edge claims that his winning is money in the bank.
Lillian Garcia tells us how Tag-Team Turmoil goes, because until now, nobody without a computer new this match was on the card. CHILLY and BUCKY out first, because once again Tradition RULES. Some reason I like these guys. It must be the gyrating. Regal and Tajiri out yet. Sign: REGAL AND TAJIRI BEST TAG-TEAM EVER. Obviously they’ve never seen the Natural Disasters. Romeo and Regal to start. Lock up into headlock on Regal. Whip into the ropes for a shoulderblock on Regal and a quick cover. Romeo picks Regal up and shoots him into the ropes. Regal lays down and Romeo cartwheels over him. Regal gets a takedown into a wristlock. Romeo reverses and tags in Antonio. Regal flops around and does some fancy mat work to toe hold Antonio down. Regal with the tag, and whips Antonio into the ropes for another drop toe hold. Tajiri with the running drop kick. Tajiri kicks him a few times and locks in a modified surfboard of some sort. King and JR don’t know what it is either. Why isn’t JG training me? I’m distracted by something shiny, and now Romeo and Antonio toss Tajiri into the turnbuckle a few times, and take him down. They hold hands and hit a double elbow drop together. That’s sweet. Antonio in and stops Tajiri from getting to his corner. Antonio shoots Tajiri into the turnbuckle and charges. Tajiri rolls Antonio up for a three? Why debut a tag team and then job them out in both matches? Regal and Tajiri had at least retain here I suppose. Up next for the jobbing block is STONE COLD ISN’T ON TV BECAUSE HE ISN’T USING MY SYSTEM and SHAVED MY EYEBROWS. Simon beats on Tajiri for a cover and a two count. He charges Tajiri into the turnbuckle and tags in Maven. Double team arm drag and they do push ups. Maven’s panties match Simons. Feel the love. Maven shoves Tajiri back into his corner again and tags in Simon. Simon with more choking and punches. Yawn. Simon with a snapmare. JR and King talk about love handles and JR in a Speedo. That isn’t the love I meant. Tajiri takes Simon down with a kick, and sleepy. Hot tag to Regal. He cleans house. Regal with a t-bone, medium rare on Simon. Back drop on Maven. Regal with a knee lift to Simon’s head and get gets the three. Tajiri is still dead on the outside. Regal checks on him as QE ACUPE LA FROMAGE? Come out. They double team Regal and toss both him and Tajiri in. Single out Tajiri. Double whip into the springboard back elbow on both. La Res in the ring with Tajiri. A few kicks and a spinning heel kick take him down. Tag to Regal. Double team whip into a double team elbow drop into a double team soccer kick. La Res knocked down into a cover by Regal. Gets a two. Tag to Tajuiri with another kick. JR: “Tajiri is getting off on those kicks tonight” Naughty. Takiri with a leg drop. Tag to Regal. La Res gets Regal in his corner. Tag to Istance. Regal double teamed. Again into wrong corner. Regal fights out and locks in the Regal Stretch. JR doesn’t call it. Asshole. La Res breaks it up. Tajiri in, and is whipped into the turnbuckle. He tosses La Res to the outside and attempts the tarantula, but it’s reversed. And Tajiri is dumped. La Res drags Tajiri on the ropes. Regal gets revenge. Istance rolls Regal up with a schoolboy for three? Next up is HUNTER JOBBER 1 and HUNTER JOBBER 2. They clear the ring and Hurricane is in with La Res. He whips La Res into the turnbuckle, but La Res dumps him over the ropes and his knee hits the turnbuckle on the way down. Ouch. Istance tosses him in for a cover. Kickout. They shoot Huricane into each other, La Res taking him down with a clothesline. King thinks La Resitance are the current champs. JR doesn’t know. Ninja chokeout is fought out of. La Res with an attempted backdrop, but Huricane hits the shin kick. Both men down. Clapping from the crowd. Hot tag to Rosey. He cleans house. God I hope La Resistance don’t win here. Rosey finally misses a splash in the corner, catches Istance for a forward slam… that’s not my call. Two count breakup by La Res. Double team Rosey for a spinbuster, King thinks it was a chokeslam. Tomato Tomado. Istance wit the cover and kickout at two. Double team again for an attempted… I forgot their finisher. Rosey hits a bodyslam on Istance. Huricane with the splash off of Rosey’s back for the three. New tag-team champions. JR calls it a Holy Upset. I call a Holy Upset having Joseph Ratzinger win. I wonder if anyone got that? Replay and posing to commence… HERE.
JR says to wait and see how far up the mountain Hurricane and Rosey can get with the tag belts. Isn’t having the tag belts the top of the tag team mountain already? Although the two of them can’t beat ONE Triple H, they can beat TWO Frenchman. Hey. We shill the music for this show. I have no idea. Never heard of them. Video package of Edge and Benoit. Tee hee. Package. Ever notice that Bischoff channels Shatner when announces matches? CHRIS… BEN… OIT… oit oit oit…
Out first I HAVE SHELTON IN MY BANK he hops a lot. I don’t know why. There’s some boos. I wonder if they’ll try and pipe out certain… chants tonight. Can they do that? They can pipe in, can they pipe out? Repipe perhaps? Up next is I HAVE TO JOB OUT BECAUSE I’M AN ADULTERER They start out and there’s a decent “You Screwed Matt” chant. Benoit has Edge down and kicks him a few times, then picks him up for a suplex. He lets Edge get up for a WOO chop. Head smash into the turnbuckle. Edge is back up for another WOO chop. A few more punches and a whip into the turnbuckle but Edge reverses it. Both men down for a “We Want Matt” chant a little bigger than last time. JR continues for the third time to tell us of the rules. Edge puts the boots to Benoit. JR talks about Texas Death Matches… huh. Edge chokes Benoit on the ropes. Ninja chokeout. Picks Benoit up and bodyslams him. “Come on you son of a bitch” says Edge. He charges for the spear and Benoit dodges. JR “Edge’s eyes tell a hell of a story.” Yeah, that he has big eyes? Is it a sexy story? I have no clue. Benoit whips Edge into the ropes for a takedown, gets him by the ropes and knees the fuck out of him a few times. Benoit attempts a backdrop suplex, but Edge blocks and boots him to the head. Baseball slide to Edge. Both men outside. Edge with some punches and a whip into the crowd barrier. Edge misses the splash and goes over into the crowd. They brawl back into the crowd as idiots get on screen and scream. Some kid looks like he’ll almost fall over. Benoit punches the kid in the head and goes back to the ring with Edge. One of those things didn’t happen. Back in the ring, and Benoit locks in a sharpshooter. Edge taps out, and finally gets the ropes. Benoit breaks it up. German 1. German 2.German 3. German 4. German 5 is released and Edge is outside. Both men down and we begin a count. Benoit up at 4. Edge up at 8. Edge attempts to get back in, but Benoit charges and knocks him back down. We return to our counting of numbers. This match was brought to you by the number 7. Oh thank heaven. Benoit goes for a suicide dive, but Edge clobbers him with a trash can lid. We replay it a few times. Both men down. A few “You Screwed Matt” chants. Edge is up, and smacks Benoit again with the lid. That wasn’t nice. We start our count again. Did I miss a count? Count Chochula. Edge puts Benoit back in the ring and sets down a trash can. Small “Let’s Go Benoit” chant. Edge puts Benoit on the top turnbuckle. Clubbering. They teeter, headbutts. Edge hooks Benoit up though, and gets the suplerplex onto the trash can. JR says they hit the floor. I thought it was a ring? Second small “Holy Shit” chant. I don’t think that qualifies. Edge is up at 7. Benoit up 9. Edge thanks him by charging him an smashing him with the lid a half dozen times. Edge outside and gets… a ladder. Edge sets it up in the corner and goes to Benoit for a couple WOO chops. Edge climbs the ladder. You already HAVE the monkey! I smell a German off the ladder. Benoit follows and yep. Crowd pops. JR didn’t see it coming apparently. We count again as both are down and we replay it. Benoit up at 8. Edge up at 9. Benoit with German 7 for the match. Benoit back up and staggers to the ladder. The crowd knows what he’s thinking, and he climbs. “The Wolverine is fearless!” Benoit misses the head butt. I wonder what his success rate is on that move? I’d say it misses 2 out of 3 chances. Benoit sells like he’s dieing. I love Benoit. Both men down as we replay and I can’t hear what the count is. Both men back up. Edge grabs the briefcase and attempts to hit Benoit, but Benoit is able to get the Crippler Crossface. Edge taps for the second time tonight. King thinks that Edge is passed out, but Benoit takes a breather on the mat as well. Or is it a floor? JR hints at a draw. Bullshit. Edge gets this, no doubt. Benoit and Edge up. German 8. German 9. Edge fights out. Hits the Impaler DDT onto the briefcase. JR called it. We begin our count as Edge starts to get up. Edge up at 6. Benoit up at 9. Can Hebner count slower? Jeeze. Don’t make it obvious. Edge spears Benoit back down and we count again. Edge points that it’s over and crawls to the corner to get up at 5. Benoit up at 9 and he gets speared again. Edge again signals that it’s over as we count. Edge looks on concerned as Benoit starts to show life at 6. Benoit up at 8. Edge to the briefcase and goes inside. He has the contract IN the briefcase! He pulls out a… brick? He waffles Benoit in the back of the head with it. That should be it. Hebner counts again, and he stays down this time with no movement. Edge looks like he just banged his best friend’s girlfriend. Yay Edge? He takes the brick and slams it against the steel stairs a few times, in case we don’t know what it is. He remember he left the contract in the ring and goes back for it. Do you think he signed it? Couldn’t you steal the briefcase and sign your name on it then? He forgot his brick. They talk about Benoit being a machine. Benoit still sells it in the ring as they help him up. I don’t really like Edge’s music. Benoit being helped up by two refs. “Benoit” chant. Will they hit his music too? Nope. But we do get a replay of the ending.
Lita and Kane backstage. I think they muffled the crowd, because there was a audible booing, and then it just stopped. They talk about beating Vis and Trish. Lita starts talking about how funny it would be if Vis won. She describes it as Kane visualizes it. He’s disturbed he says. So, they make out and breath a lot. That’s disturbing. Commercial. I have a feeling that this show is gonna be A LOT of filler and time-killing. I AM A PUPPIE PERSON in the ring now. Ah shit… Divas? I called that filler, didn’t I? I KISSED EUGENE with I KISSED THE OTHER RETARD, ORTON with I CAN STILL WRESTLE! With THAT COMMERCIAL CHICK with I GOT BEAT UP BY THAT WRESTLER CHICK and King invites I SING STUFF in the ring as well. Ok, the Candice one was a stretch. King says he’s gonna ask intimate questions. “Have any of you gone over the Edge?” Maybe not. They play music and show each of the girls’ favorite pictures in Diva magazine. Victoria’s has an iguana humping her as she lays down and smiles. Long and scaly. I hate myself for saying that. I’ll delete it later. King goes back to the front of the line to talk to Christy. Before he can ask though, it’s MASTERLOCKS ARE IN AISLE 84 SIR is out to interrupt. I don’t know which segment I want to not watch… I’m torn… The ladies all look angry and leave the ring. Masters comes on down. Victoria’s outfit is ugly. She looks better in those brightly colored outfits. Masters “Yeah yeah yeah. Those divas are hot, but they’re no piece of art like the Masterpiece. Let’s recap what’s happened recently. I’ve been all over America and England and nobody as broken my masterlock. So now I’ve got $3000 to whoever can break my hold.” I submit that Booker T’s new nickname is “Nobody.” He tells a few people not to show, and then picks a “shorty with the Boston Red Socks Hat” She gets in the ring… She? She has some guns on her. And not on her chest. “Wait, wait a minute. Are you a he? Or a she? Cause from where I’m standing you could be both…” She’s a local. She talks like Chyna. She’s her younger sister. Korea. He tells her to have a seat “sir.” She sits down. He works it out and whips her around like a doll. A Korean Doll. Just like Chyna Doll. CUE THE BELL! And he lets go. He should just double his money every week. And then when he eventually makes it up to a few hundred thousand, he should be in backstage segments where he’s worrying about the money, and what he’s gonna do about it. JR say that he’s gonna hurt somebody. Didn’t Masters already do that?
Backstage we have HEADBANGER MASH grumbling with Trish’s sign. And here’s I WILL NEITHER BANG NOR MASH. Vis says that he’ll beat Kane, and then it’ll be on like a “Steamy pile of neckbones.” Trish wants to know what that means. He says it’s a black thing and pulls out nighty. Trish says it’s nice, but it won’t fit on him. He says that he has a spot planned that specializes in what he likes the most. Bed… and breakfast. Trish gets him to focus. So Vis slaps her on the ass and they are out to the ring.
Hey, it’s that music again. YOU DON’T KNOW HELL UNTIL YOU’RE MARRIED TO HER is out with BUY KNEEPADS ON EBAY I hear nothing from the crowd. There’s no way they aren’t saying anything. They HAD to mute them or something… Because I hear NO reaction for either Kane or Vis. Speaking of which WANT TO SEE WHAT’S UNDER MY CAPE it out with I AM THE CHAMPION OF ME. I still hear nothing from the crowd, wait… there it is. I hear a feint “We Want Matt” Vis with the clothesline. Vis whips him into the turnbuckle. Misses the splash. Kane with the boot and Vis is on the outside. Kane to the turnbuckle and hits a flying … clothesline? He kind of ran into him. Decent “We Want Matt” chant. Lita hobbles around. Kane dumps Vis back in. Kane with and elbow, and a second. Then hits a leg drop. Cover for two. Kane with a few soupbones. Vis with his spinning heel kick. There’s some sort of chant, but I can’t tell what it is. Both men back up. Chop on Kane, and Vis hits a bodyslam. Lita and Trish start to jawjab outside. Vis misses an elbow drop. Kane up and grabs Trish by the hair over the ropes. Vis break s it up with a splah. Vis with a samoan drop. Cover for two. “Let’s go Mabel” chant. Weak. Vis and Kane with blows. Vis hits a big sidewalk slam for two as JR talks about Kane defending his wife’s honor. There’s no honor among playas. It’s a black thing. Both men back up. Vis whips Kane to the ropes and attempts a backdrop, but eats a DDT from Kane. Yummy. Kane signals for the chokeslam. Vis elbows out. And clotheslines Kane to the outside. Vis lumbers off the apron. Smashes Kane into the ring apron. Vis shoves Lita to the side. Kane comes from behind Kane with a chair, but Lita clocks her with the crutch. Boos from the crowd. Kane up to the top turnbuckle as Vis is in the ring. Kane is caught and Vis hits the sitdown powerbomb for two. Replay of the crutch. Vis pulls Lita in the ring. Then he spends about a good thirty seconds attempting to tongue Lita. Lita bails and Vis turns around for a boot. Chokeslam from Kane gets the three count. Lita in the ring for pyro. They both bail as Trish gets in the ring, angry at Vis. Trish: “Look at you on your ass. What’s wrong with you? One thing! You had to do one thing!” Vis: “I’m sorry.” Trish: “You failed! For the record, even if you did take out Kane, I would never have lowered myself to sleep with a big fat, greasy, chicken eating loser like you!” RACIST! Trish “I’m gonna find a REAL man and he’s gonna get a lot of loving when he gets the job done… No Viscera! No hugging! You failed!” Vis bearhugs her anyway and leaves her laying. He then smile sto the crowd, who cheers? I hate New Hampshire. Knowing MY luck… Boobermonkeys is from New Hampshire. Don’t hate the playa, hate the B. Vis goes to the ropes and hits the big splash. I accidentally typed “nig.” Whoops. Replay of the splash. I still think Trish should get Hardy. It would make sense I suppose. Medical staff all over Trish. Now everyone in the Women’s Division is hurt and dead. Victoria’s still employed, right? RIGHT? They might have fired her backstage. More replays. This show isn’t going past 9:45. Guaranteed.
Commercial for Judgment day. That’s in three weeks already? Dream Team/Islamic Team up next… Hassan video talking about how he’s oppressed. On RAW, he should congratulate Shelton on his win since he is a fellow “oppressed” man. And then Shelton tells him to fuck off, so they feud. Which will lead in Hacksaw Jim Duggan coming back and beating Hassan too. No way Hogan doesn’t go over. It’s just a question of if he can hit a leg drop. My money is on NO. Michaels video: “Here I am. On my knees. Asking for one favor.” Sicko. He wants one more batch. Of cookies. Man, I’m hungry. I wonder how long the entrance and after-match pose down will go? Longer than the match? Probably.
ISLAMIC ORGASM with I COULDN’T THINK OF MY OWN NICKNAME, SO I STOLE IT. Is out. Davari has no rug, but they both look like their ready for bed. Because they’re gonna be PUT to bed. Ooo snap! Crowd kind of lukewarm. Huh. MY GOD IS BETTER THAN YOURS out next as we hear Hogan chants. Michaels has an oddball Klingon… um… armor thing on. That one that Worf wore. It dangles. Dangly parts. There are parts of this match I don’t want to see. All parts. HULKAMANIA IS ALL THE RELIGON I NEED is out next to a thunderous ovation. There are a SHITLOAD of Hogan signs and shirts in the crowd. Eugene’s cousin points to the ring from the crowd. I’m going to hell. Or wherever Allah sends me. No virgins for me, that’s for damn sure. More Hogan chants as the heels bail. More stalling for time as the ref gets everyone in the ring. God I hate Hogan. He says he wants to start. Great. Let’s get this over with. Hogan starts off against Hassan. JR: “Hassan already on his bicycle.” Is that racist? I have no clue. Wow. Word really doesn’t like Hassan or Davari, but it tolerates Hogan and HBK. Racist friggin program. “USA” chants. Hassan locks up, but Hogan just stands there like an asshole and shoves Hassan in the turnbuckle. Pose. Hassan out and falls into a Hogan headlock. Hogan chants as Hassan shoots Hogan to the ropes. Hogan hits a shoulderblock. Davari yells. Hassan back up to get himself a armwrench. Elbow smash on Hassan and he shoves Hogan to his corner. Tag to Davari and Hogan loses his Doo Rag. Double team stomp down on Hogan. Tag to Davari. Hogan no-sells it and is back up. A few rights and Hassan is down. Tag to HBK. Double team whip on Hassan to the ropes. Double team big boot because Hogan can’t even pull that off anymore. HBK with the smash into the turnbuckle on Hassan. Shoots Hassan into the turnbuckle again, and a WOO Chop and bodylsam take him down. HBK misses an elbow and Hassan tags in Davari. I missed something and Hogan is tagged back in. Hogan is REALLY Sweaty as he hits a few righst and dumps Davari. Hogan throws him into the crowd barrier, then the ring post. Then a right. Hogan picks him up and tosses him back in the ring. Ninja chokeout on Davari. Hogan with a bodyslam and an elbow, then a second. Foot wrench to the head? Is that what they call it? I can’t remember. He walked on his face. Tag to HBK. HBK whipped into the ropes. Davari leapfrogs over once. Leaps too soon a second time and eats a WOO Chop. Davari whipped into the ropes and eats a HBK flying elbow. HBK kips up and hits a few rights. Davari down as HBK tunes up his one-man band. Hassan gets on the apron and Hogan goes after him, Ref distracted as Hassan clocks HBK in the back with a pipe. Davari covers the downed HBK for a one. Hogan breaks it up. Fuck you Hogan. Davari drags HBK to his corner and tags in Hassan. They show the pipe. Remember that Simpsons episode where they have a parade for the carbon rod? I think that was the Spaceshuttle one. Davari with a whip on HBK into the turnbuckle and a ninja chokeout and yelling. Snapmare into a double arm wrench. The crowd cheers for HBK, so he gets up. HBK with a few elbows, and Davari just knocks him back down. Tag to Hassan. Snapmare on HBK and a resthold. Crowd cheers again, and HBK is able to get up. Elbows out. Hassan whips HBK. HBK reverses it and is able to get a sleeper. Hassan breaks it and hits a neckbreaker. Hassan cuts HBK’s throat and locks in the Camel Clutch. Hogan waits for the hot tag as HBK destroys the finisher by holding on. Hogan taps the ref for no reason. HBK seems to pass out. Then he wakes up from his nap, refreshed and… stands up with Hassan on his shoulders…. Fuck. He electric chair drops him and both men are down. Hassan moves for Davari. HBK finally rolls over for Hogan. Davari is tagged, then sort of waits for HBK to make the tag. Hogan in with a few punches, and the double headbutt on both Hassan and Davari. Hogan whips Davari into the ropes for a boot. Hogan motions for a legdrop, but Hassan hits Hogan in the back with the pipe. Please God, or Allah or Buddha or WHOEVER is up there. Finish Hogan off NOW. Nope, of course he kicks out of the pin and Hulks up. Finger wag. Punch. Punch. Whip. Boot. Goes for the leg drop again. Hassan grabs his leg. HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on Davari as he gets up, and Hogan pins him… without even hitting a leg drop. I fucking hate Hogan. King: “One more time! We won!” Fucking assholes. Let’s just destroy all your secondary heels on RAW. Let’s dig up the Junkyard Dog and have him go over Hassan too. Who needs new stars. Let’s just have HHH the rest of eternity. Fuck. Fucking Fucking Fuck Fuck. Fucky A. Commence posing for ten minutes. HBK eventually looks like he wants to leave, but Hogan don’t wanna. I hate everything right now. Batista better win. At least that way I’m 5/6 on the card that way. Some guy with more hair on his back than Hogan’s head comes out of the crowd. He has a Hogan tattoo on his back. And he’s horribly fat. Dad? Why is it that every time someone who isn’t’ a wrestler gets in the ring to pose with Hogan, they’re some “Mega Fan” who can’t do the fucking poses correctly. Fucking Hogan. I apologize for all the F Bombs. Odds are this won’t ever get published. I apologize computer.
ECW One Night Stand commercial. Looks pretty good. Heyman voice over. Supposedly it’s gonna even be shot like an ECW show. That’s cool. Unfortunately they aren’t gonna plug this thing that much. This is it. You kiddies out there want to get yourselves a weekly ECW TV show? Then you need to buy this PPV. If it outdoes everything but Wrestlemania, I think they’ll almost HAVE to. There’s still money to be made.
Todd Grisham is the guy I couldn’t remember earlier. This time he talks with HHH. Same old. He’s gonna win this time. Pedigree everyone. Yep.
Out comes KEISER ROLL and LIKE BUTTER. That’s cool. At least he’s on the card. JR and King notice there are a lot more Peeps than normal. Then they talk about marshmallow. I don’t like them. Christian “All week long I’ve been hearing about Backlash. More importantly if Capt. Charisma wasn’t on this show. I don’t want to make you mad, but this might be the last time you see me on a RAW PPV. Because later on this month there’s a draft, and nobody is exempt. And since I’m a main eventer, I’m gonna undress my fellow main eventers.” Huh? “And I’m gonna do it in the form… of a rap. Do you hear that Manchester? Don’t feel afraid to make some noise because the Capt is gonna make it happen.” Cheers “On Raw, Batista with muscles to spare. But he’s got charisma like Tomko’s got hair. You’ve got HHH and Flair their legends still grows. 26 titles between them, and ht worlds largest nose.” SNAP! “JBL, you know the rich guy on Smackdown. Well I hear his taxes are still soaring. He’s no wrestling God, just the God of boring. Seems to me I’m forgetting somebody. Who am UI forgetting? Oh yeah. He’s the guy who inspired that. WWE Champ John Cena. “ Boos! “Well I got a little something for him. You wanna hear it? It goes like this… Hey Cena you think I’m jealous of your fortune and fame. Well you talk like Snopp Dogg, but you look like Cory Hanes.” Tyson: “Diss” Christian: “So after the draft, either RAW or Smackdown. JBL or Michael Cole, I’ll be Champion, cause that’s how I ROLL.” Christian could get over as a face if he wanted to. Shit, I think if he goes to Smackdown he could be better than Cena. Or the catalyst to get Cena to DO something entertaining again.
Video Package of HHH and Batista. Hey look, Pedigrees to your new Tag-Team Champs.
I might half-ass this last match. I haven’t decided yet. I’m on nine pages already? WTF?
STILL HAS MORE TITLES THAN YOU. NYAH! is out to introduce HHH. He said stuff. He’s the greatest alive… yadda yadda. Should I yadda yadda the match? HA! LEGAL OWNER OF THE BELT ACCORDING TO GREENWICH LAW is out now because… tradition RULES THE NIGHT! Did it just work that way, or was someone pay attention? Wish I knew. Up next is DAVE THOMAS. Man… Wendy’s would be AWESOME right now… Maybe I could rebeak that? They circle each other, and I still hold that this doesn’t go past quarter to ten. Bell rings, and JR talks about bullshit about looking into Batista’s eyes. They circle, and Flair touches Dave’s foot. HHH hits him and goes for a whip. Reversed and HHH goes for the pedigree early but Dave ducks out. They circle again stalling… stalling… ever stalling. Lockup. Dave puts HHH in the corner. HHH reverses. Dave Reverses. My VCR fast forwards. Dave whips HHH to the ropes. HHH attempts the Pedigree, but Dave shoves him off. Dave attempts a Pedigree? HHH slides out. If it’s so easy to slide out, why doesn’t everyone do it? Logic sucks. Lockup. HHH pushes Dave to the corner. Breaks the hold. Punch to Dave. HHH attempts a whip, but Dave reverses. HHH comes back out into a back body drop from Dave. HHH up and Dave punches him to the corner. HHH out of nowhere attempts another Pedigree, but Dave drops him over the ropes to the outside. I accidentally typed JJJ there. King of the Mountain baby. Batisita outside. HHH shoots him into the crowd barrier and breaks the count. Back outside and he clotheslines Batisita over the crowd barrier. HHH breaks the count again and goes over and suplexes Dave back to the mat. Dave looks surprised or hurt or something. HHH puts Dave back in. Stalks him. Springboard elbow on Dave. Dave is hurting as HHH gives him time. HHH drops a knee on Dave, then pickshim up for a right. Charges and eats an elbow from Dave. Dave attempts a Batista bomb, but HHH low blows him, and drives some sholders into Dave’s back. My dog barks at someone outside by my car. I hit the panic button on my keys, and they jump a foot in the air. Whoops… I know her. Um. Forget that. JR talks about hard whips. Wrong show. Shaniqua isn’t working here anymore. My computer doesn’t like her either. Keeps thinking that she’s either Tamaqua or Shameful. Either or. Batista outside, and Flair hits him from behind. Dave rolls back in. HHH picks him up and puts him in the corner for some clubbery. Dave fights back, and HHH hits a spinebuster for two. HHH covers again for two. And again for two. That never works. Jackass. Dave back in the corner for clubbery. HHH whips Dave to the corner. Dave comes back out as HHH charges and clotheslines him down for a replay. Both men back up. Batista with a sidewalk slam. Clotheslines HHH outside and takes a breather. Goes outside and smashes HHH around abit. This rebeak… WILL IT EVER END?!?! Sob. I have new respect for all of you guys that do this. Dave whips HHH to the steel stairs. I hope I at least do this a fraction as well as you guys do it. My dog calls me a suck up. I kick him. Back in the ring. HHH begs into the corner. Dave hits some shoulderblocks to the midsection. Another whip and picks HHH up for a powerslam. Dave is a caged animal! Flair on the apron. Dave with the thumbs down. Picks HHH up for the Batista Bomb, but HHH has the Title Belt and clocks Dave with it. Cover for a two and a half. JR has a heart attack. Mild case mind you. Replay it. Both men slow to get up. Dave with a punch to the midsection and some rights HHH attempts a Pedigree, but Dave backdrops him. HHH with a kick to the midsection. Dave: “You son of a bitch!” Dave charges and accidentally takes out the ref. HHH hits the Pedigree for a forty count. But no ref. HHH and Flair both try to get him awake. Why don’t they just slap his hand on the mat like Dave did the other week? Ref does a Flair Flop? Another ref half dressed comes running down from Lita’s dressing room. He gets in the ring, and Dave gets a spinebuster of his own for a two count. Both men slow to get up. Dave whips HHH into the ropes and eats a facebuster for two. HHH picks Dave up for a Pedigree, but Dave powers out and whips HHH into the turnbuckle. Dave with a few splashes into the corner. Three.. HHH low blows the ref? Dave sets HHH up for the Batista Bomb, but Flair comes in. Dave dumps him. HHH up and attempts a Pedigree, but Dave counters with a fulcrum to the post. HHH with a low blow and Dave staggers back. HHH with mounted punches as Dave… Batista Bombs him right off. Dave covers as the lesser dead ref counts three. Crowd pops, but not AS much as I thought they would. JR declares that his win at WM wasn’t a fluke. Winning vote of confidence there, huh? Dave gets his belt and poses and leaves. Replay of the finish. HHH back up not happy. Shoves Flair and Pedigrees the ref. I would hate to be a Tag Team Champion on RAW this week. Sign in crowd “Steph wears the pants.”
FINAL THOUGHTS: It ended at 9:46. Close enough. I’m still convinced they piped out the crowd during Lita’s match. I just can’t think of how they would unless JR and King’s mics aren’t all that sensitive.