11/6/2007 ECW REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: What did I do this weekend? I went to an Antique Jukebox and Video Game show. I very may well be getting X-Men: Children of the Atom because it's only $300. Delicious.

WHY AM I DOING THIS?:

The MAIN reason I'm randomly doing this right NOW, is I used to recap HEAT and Velocity here and at Wrestlingpeeps.net, which is now defunct. I'm going to do a test run of HEAT, RAW, Smackdown and Impact, and then say if I think a certain promotion sucks or doesn't. This is inspired by alot of arguement between some guys on YouTube. It's the equivelent of a rap-off, but everyone is white, they stay in their homes, there's no rapping, and nobody in the background yelling "Oh snap, son!" For your entertainment, I may swear if this is a bunch of crap.

This is the first show I've legit never seen before. I was a huge ECW fan, but I've never seen this WWE version on Sci-Fi. I vaguely remember reading there were zombies and vampires and aliens. And I head they let go a really hot goth chick who liked to get naked.

THIS... IS EXTREME...LY THE FIRST MATCH

Out first is THROUGH HELLFIRE AND THIS CURTAIN is Kane. His opponent is MAE YOUNG IS MORE EXTREME THAN I AM is Mark Henry. What the fuck are these two doing in ECW? Aren't they on Smackdown? Ah. Joey Styles clues me in. Talent exchange. Mark Henry's music says "break his neck." Punchery to start. Kane tries to shoot Henry, but Henry reverses and clubs him. Kane staggers around. More punchery. Kane gets the upper hand, goes to the ropes, but Henry hits a powerslam for one. Henry with some crappy kicks. I really hate Mark Henry. Scoop slam on Kane. Henry stands there waiting for someone to bring him pie. Kane staggers to the corner, and Henry massages his neck. Kane is all "No!" and Henry then lets him walk out, just to slam him back in the corner. Henry stands there like a fucktard. Kane with some kicks to fight out, but Henry clubs him back down. Henry shoots Kane to the other corner and hits a splash. Kane staggers out while Henry again stands like a fucktard. At least Viscera would hump people. Kane with an uppercut makes the girlies scream. Henry fights back with a knee lift that is more of a step. Shoots Kane to the corner, and Kane hits boot #42 in the match on Henry. Kane up top and hits the flying lariat. Henry to the corner and Kane hits one clothesline, then another. Kane walks into a back elbow. Henry picks Kane up, but Kane wiggles out and goes for the chokeslam. Henry low blows him to break it up, and then hits a crappy forearm. I haven't seen Mark Henry in years wrestle, and I already hate him more than ever. Henry outside to get a chair. Because when you're clearly winning, it makes sense to go get yourself DQed. You fucking idiot. The heel gets DQed when he might LOSE. The best part? The ref DQs Henry for getting in the ring with teh chair. What the fuck? How is THAT a DQ? I thought this was extreme? Henry THEN hits Kane with the chair and smiles, then is surprised when it's announced Kane wins. Doesn't Henry read the rulebook? Henry then hits a powerslam on Kane onto the chair. That match was slightly worse than...well... That might be the worst non-jobber match I've seen since I've recapped.

Promo for Kelly Kelly Vs. Layla. They show video of them dancing. I have no clue if they are having a dance off or what.

John Morrison Vs. CM Punk for the ECW Title tonight too.

They interview foreigners and hicks who are excited to have ECW tickets. ANOTHER EXTREME MATCH. IT'S EXTREMELY NUMBER TWO

Out first is DOES ECW HAVE ANY WRESTLERS? is Jamie Noble. They show a video from "Jamie Noble" on Jamie Noble. His opponent is TWO...dun dun... WEEKS... dun dun... TO I GET RELEASED! is Nunzio. He has a gay beard. It's a geard. The two of them wiggle around in the classic "This is a lightweight match in WWE" style where they go through the same wrestling combo. Lots of waist locks, wrist locks and hammer locks. Noble breaks it up with a poke to the eyes, and slams Nunzio to teh corner. Noble shoots him to the other corner, eats a elbow on the charge, but his a powerslam for two. Tazz: "Pop those hips!" Gay. Noble continues the holds, and hits a sidewalk slam for two. Then covers again. For two. Noble with a chinlock. Noble: "Come on boy!" Last time he said that was when WWE had a tour in Malaysia. Noble with stompery on Nunzio, then an elbow to the head. Another chin lock by Noble. Nunzio elbows out, but Noble just smacks him down, shoots Nunzio to the corner. Nunzio hits a boot to the head, then goes up top for the leg drop on Nunzio. Nunzio back to the corner, and eats some chops from Noble. Beefy. Noble yanks him down, hits a backbreaker, then hits a gutbuster for the three count. Recap of the finish.

Video package for John Morrison.

Kelly Kelly is WALKING!

Hell in the Cell promo for Survivor Series. Somebody tell me what's with the fucking chain saw?

Save Us 222 video.

ANOTHER EXTREMELY CRAPPY SEGMENT... or MATCH

Already in the ring is SKANK #1 is Layla. Her opponent is SKANK HOLDING HER NECK is Kelly Kelly. Video of Beth Phoenix killing her last night. The Miz apparently books matches. Sounds made up. Kelly is NOW surprised. Layla with a kick, then a head takedown. Then more stompery. Kelly throws her boob at Layla, who then hits some more boots and a head toss. Layoa grabs the foot, gets shover off, then jumps oN Kelly, but almost misses. Kelly then sits on top of her screaming for a minute, lets her up, hits a bodyslam and covers for the three. Add 8 minutes, and about 12 pints of testosterone, and you get the Khali/Taker match.

Balls is out to help. He calls out Miz. Miz is held back by Layla. Balls touches his pretty hair, then remembers Kelly. Balls is gonna get wet tonight. As I type that, Balls sticks out his toungue for no reason, except to creep me out.

Tazz and Styles hype the main event. Video package hyping same match.

Pimping Rey Mysterio's new video. It's Extreme!!!.... ly expensive.

WE WOULDN'T BE EXTREME WITHOUT A FOURTH MATCH

At the ring is K-WIK'S COUSIN VINNY is Elijah Burke. His opponent also in the ring is SOME PUNK Shannon Moore. Circle to start, lockup. Burke gets the upperhand, broken up and a punch to Shannon. SHannon with some elbows and a spinning heel kick. Shannon with a head smash on Burke to the corner, and a hurcanarana off the second rope for two. Shannone with stompery in teh corner. Burke shoots Shannon to the corner, hits a kick and an uppercut. Burke poses, then chokes Shannon out on the ropes. That's no way to treat a lady! Burke htis a running kick, jumps out of the ring and asks Tazz if he saw that. Tazz says he did. Burke back in for punchery on Shannon in the corner. Shannon fights back with punchery, but Burke grabs him and charges him back to the corner. Burke runs at the corner, springboards up, and hits the Outer Limits Elbow for a two. Burke with another head smash on Shannon while they replay that move. Shannon in the corner, and Burke hits the Elijah Express for the three count.

Fabulous Moolah tribute video. Cause she too, was Extreme.

WWE Shopzone pimping. Payin' bills y'all.

The Miz is backstage wishing Morrison luck in his match. They try to trade witty quips. I focus on the paint drying behind them.

Video recap of RAW's main event last night. Wasn't once enough? Apparently Regal and Orton need to talk about the stips for his title defense against Shawn Michaels and Survivor Series. Why is the fucking belt still a gay spinner? Rundown of the Survivor Series card.

THE EXTREME MAIN EVENT

Out first is MY... HAIR... IS... IN... SLOW... MOTION is John Morrison. He has some REALLY shitty music. We break to show a video package for the main event of Survivor Series... again. Out next is I DATED MARIA, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS BELT is CM Punk. His music is only moderately better. I think WWE doesn't make their own music anymore, just has the same 3 crappy alt bands make the same words with different beats for half the roster. Lockup to start. Headlock by Morrison. Punk shots him off the ropes, but eats a shoulderblock. Morrison to the ropes, and Punk hits a knee lift. Punk with a arm wring and kick, then another kick. Punk grabs Morrison, but Morrison pulls him to the corner, Punk stops it, and hits a sunset flip, but Morrison breaks it, goes to teh ropes and hits a springboard kick for one. Morrison with mounted punches, cover for one. Morrison with a chokehold. I go take a leak, and when I return we're still choking. Punk is up, and backs MOrrison to the corner to break the hold and hits a snapmare. Morrison charges, but Punk puts up a boot, blocked. Punk to the apron and hits a kick and a springbaord crossbody for two. Exchanging blows, Punk with a kneww lift, and a kick, and a knee to the face. Punk shoots Morrison ot the ropes and hits a dropkick. Punk yells. charges Morrison and eats a boot. Morrison out and Punk hits a powerslam for two. Punk with some girly kicks to the head. Now The Mix sashays down the ramp. Punk with the running knee and bulldog for a two count. Punk up. MOrrison pokes the eyes, and goes for a springboard enziguri, misses, Punk hits a takedown and covers, Morrison up with a bridge, Punk has him up, sees Miz and doesn't hit the GTS, Morrison rolls up Punk for two. Morrison with a wheelbarrel kick for two. Morrison has Punk up, goes for the suplex, Punk reverses and tries a rollup, but Morrison shove shim off. Miz throws his ugly hat at Morrison. Morrison is so horrified at Miz's fashion sense that Punk rolls Morrison up for the three, and retains the belt. Punk claps for himself as we replay the Hat Trick. Ha. Morrison and Miz stare each other down as Punk ignores them all.

FINAL THOUGHTS: It's like an hour of RAW with 20% less Triple H.