ECW: ONE NIGHT STAND REBEAK
EDITOR'S NOTE: Allow me to explain this a little bit. It would make more sense in the realm in which I submitted it. Over on one of the websites I frequent, WeeklyVisitor.com they basically rebeak most of the WWE shows, and some other ones as well. If you have ever clicked on the link of the main page and read some of their stuff, you'll see they make light of it at the same time. I played mine a little more straight then they do, but I still went with making up nicknames and the such. If any of you read their stuff over there, you might not get all the jokes, mostly because they're all inside jokes or plays off of anime, and you have to read their stuff for awhile to figure out what they're saying. Or read their Glossary. Or cry. One of those. Anyway, here is what I wrote.
PRE-SHOW: I got really frigging drunk last night, and I pulled/did something to my right shoulder, neck and right hip. You may send me get well cards. Preferably with money. I really wish I could remember what I did to fuck it up. It must have been SOMETHING fun. Eh, whatever. I work hurt. I’ll be chanting “He’s Hard-core” to myself all night. Because I’m sad. Oh yeah, I typed down part of this while watching, and then went back through with the tape to do the play-by-play. That way I figure you get my gut reactions to stuff, rather then thought-out thoughts on everything…. Um….
START OF SHOW: I watched the PPV live first, but luckily I CHECKED the video to see if it was recording, and it wasn’t. So I spent the first minute or two yelling at the VCR and attempting to fix it. Extreme… ly annoying. But after scaring my buddies, I fixed it. Which means I missed them introing Mick Foley and Joey Styles as commentators. Foley’s a good pick. Must mean Taz(z) is gonna do something somewhere in the show… I won’t spoil things. Like milk. There was an ECW video I saw bits of that had all the players on the show tonight in it, which I thought was nice. They must have asked Paul’s cousin Sam to do new graphics. Nice kid.
SCHEDULED MATCH THE FIRST: Hopefully, there’s an impromptu match somewhere on the card, because let’s face it… it happened at most ECW shows. And if there isn’t a minimum of fourteen tables broken tonight, I’ll be surprised. I’ll count as I go along. Out first is I’D RATHER BE TEACHING IN CANADA with SMARTEST DUMB CHICK ON SMACKDOWN. Lance Storm and Dawn Marie. I still think Justin Credible and Lance should have done a tag match, but then again, Justin is probably pooped from an all-nighter at Wal-Mart. Where he works now. No joke. Alright. They got the actual music from ECW. I knew they purchased the music library, but there has to be SOME gaps somewhere. Next up is I WOULDN’T MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD OR FOZZY. They announce Jericho as The Lionheart. Nice touch. The tape fucks up and I swear. They circle as the tape comes back into a waistlock takedown by Jericho. Jericho rolls it back into a bow and arrow on Storm, releases it as the crowd chants something I can’t make out. Must be a girl. Because I can’t make out with them… ZING! On… me… Jericho covers. Kickout at 2. Storm gets Jericho in the corner with a Woo Chop. Whip into the opposite corner and Jericho comes out with a drop kick, and then a baseball slide to knock Storm out. Ha ha… even in ECW Jericho is a curtain jerker. Just thought of that. A little slow. Joey Styles thanks WWE for allowing this to happen. There’s a joke int here, and I think it’s Styles. Storm pulls Jericho up for a LONG delayed suplex for a two count, and into chokehold that Joey wont help me out on what it is. I know the name, but it eludes me. Just liket he ladies! I’m on fire! Jericho whips Storm into the turnbuckle. Storm hops to the top rope and jumps off, and eats a dropkick from Jericho in the back of the head. Holy Shit chant #1 from the crowd. I don’t think it’s warranted. ECW has… replay? I don’t remember replays… Huh… Now I’m gonna look through my tapes. Jericho and Storm go through some pinning combos as the crowd chants Chris Candido. The Ballroom looks full. They must have given away some tickets or lowered a price. Storm with an attempted cradle piledriver, but Jericho back drops him out. Storm gets right yup and superkicks Jericho for a two. Bith men into the turnbuckle. Storm attempts a suplerplex, but he eats canvas and a shoulderblock from Jericho for a two. Jericho and Storm go off the ropes a few times, and Storm is able to roll over Jericho to get the Single Leg Calgary Crab as Styles tells me. Way to go Joe. Jericho is able to get out, attempts the Walls of Jericho, put fulcrums Storm into the turnbuckle instead and hits a facebuster. Goes for the Lionsault, but Storm gets the knees up. Jericho no-sells it and locks in the walls. Dawn Marie is on the turnbuckle rubbing her tits in the ref’s face, because somebody has to whore it up. I won’t do it. Justin Credible out. Jericho sees him and Jason , sends them out. Jericho rolls up Storm and eats a kendo stick from Credible. He asks for more salt, and then is covered by Storm for the three. The Impact Players pose in the ring. Dawn’s butt looks big in that dress… But, it’s definitely something an ECW girl would wear. Jericho lays in the ring, holding his head. He must have listened to a Fozzy album. ZING! The crowd chants Lionheart for Jericho, who gives a wave and leaves.
Back to Joey and Mick, talking about how this is Storm’s last match and that they wanted a hug. They then talk about an empty balcony where the RAW and SMACKDOWN guys apparently have their tickets.
I HAD CHAINS AND COLLARS BEFORE THE BASHAMS, ASSHOLE! Is Pitbull Gary Wolfe. He intros a memory video for those ECW guys who are dead from… well… what wrestlers die of. Rocco, Terry Gordy, Crash Holly, The Original Shiek, Mike Lozansky, Anthony Durante, Big Dick Dudley, and Chris Candido. Nice little bit in ECW style. Man, ECW ring announcer’s were ugly as sin. Ugly as a WCW PPV.
We return to more chanting, and the crowd can’t decide what it’s gonna be. So we go to…
SCHEDULED MATCH THE SECOND: First out is SKINNY PAUL BEARER and WHITE TAJIRI accompanying YOSHIRIO TAJIRI. Because he deserves his real name. TO help you non-ECWites, that is Sinister Minister, Mikey Whipwreck and Tajiri. Next out is WHERE IS MY BIG SAL, WHO FOUND MY BIG SAL, WHO TOOK MY BIG SAL, LOVE TRACY SMOTHERS accompanying NUNZIO. Who in actuality is Tracy Smothers, Tony Mamaluke, Big Guido, JP Smith and Little Guido. The FBI is in the house. They want to know where JBL got his money. Or not… I think JG stopped reading this right… here. If he ever started. Where is Big Sal? Out lastly is I NEED NO POSSE, HOMES. Super Crazy. He does his little soccer flip in the ring. I really like how they got the non-WWE guys their ECW music. Everyone bails out of the ring to leave our three men in the ring. Guido attacks Super Crazy, and Tajiri gets all in his grill and tosses him out. Tajiri with the flippy elbow block. Foley claims that he can’t call commentary because the moves are too hip for him. Guido back in and eats some chops from Tajiri. Guido counters the tilt awhirl backbreaker from Tajiri and gets an armbar, then a fujiwar armbar for a one count. It’s broken up by Super Crazy. Super Crazy tosses Tajiri and baseball slides him to the floor. Mamaluke trips Super Crazy up, and Guido and Super Crazy fight into the crowd… Please tell me we’re gonna get a moonsault of the… yeah we are. Super Crazy moonsaults off the balcony and takes out the entire FBI. If Al Queda just did moonsaults on people off balconies, it would all be over. Wait.. what? They replay it a few times as Super Crazy is back in and the fans count along in Espaniol for the ten punch in the corner on Tajiri. Guido breaks it up, and the rest of the FBI beats down Super Crazy outside. Tajiri is up for a powerbomb by Big Guido, but Tajiri is all sneaky-like, and hits the Green Mist on Little Guido. Sinister Minister low blows Big Guido, who takes a week to go down. Just like my last girlfriend. Ouch. Smothers eats a kick to the face for getting in the ring. And Whipwreck hits the Super Whippersnapper to allow Tajiri to eliminate Guido. Now that the English is out of te ring, let’s get down to business. Super Crazy with a takedown and attempted powerbomb. Tajiri counters into a tornado DDT for two. The crowd chants Super Crazy. They soak it up for a second before Tajiri goes on the attack. Super Crazy picks Tajiri up with the fireman’s carry and slams him, hitting the triple moonsaults off the corner. They both then get up, Tajiri kicks to the midsection and they… stare at each other. The crowd chants “You fucked up.” They calls em how they sees em. You know, there was an actual name for the tri-moonsaults, but I don’t remember what it was. Super Crazy with a powerbomb and yet another moonsault for the three count. Super Crazy got fat and his face looks kind of odd… Maybe he was before. I will consult the evidence later. Replay of the high spots of the match.
Joey Styles hasn’t missed a beat. He is RIGHT on on commentating tonight.
We get a video package of some ECW clips. Showing when ECW started as Extreme with Douglas throwing down the NWA title. We start showing Sandman doing drunken stuff and smoking. Showing footage of Sandman caning Dreamer. Then the Cactus/Funk match where the chairs are tossed in the ring, and Styles having a heart attack. Now when the fans got in the ring and it collapsed. Paul had to sell his pickup for that ring, you jackasses!
Back to crowd shots and EC Dub chants. Still an empty balcony. I still think it would be funny if they couldn’t afford tickets. Or, just JBL could. Either way…
SCHEDULED MATCH THE THIRD: It is announced as an Extreme Lucha Match. MASKS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING MASKS is out first. Psycosis has a lot of hair. I thought he cut it? Oh wait.. he took his mask off and his hair IS short. Shades of Kane. Minus the ugly. ME JUMPING OUT OF THE RAMP ISN’T IN THE BUDGET HERE out next. Mysterio does NOT take his mask off. Thank you I say. We go into some basic back and forth holds and reversals that is Extreme Lucha Matching. Psycosis is wearing a loin-cloth over his tights? The crowd chants “Put your mask on!” I said that to my last girlfriend too… I AM ON FIRE! Mysterio is down and eats a few elbows. Psycosis with a whip into the corner and a two count. A few whips into some more whips and a sleeper by Psycosis? A fucking sleeper? The crowd agrees, with a start of a boring chant. A few more whips and we are outside the ring. Psycosis drops Rey on the crowd barrier, then goes to the turnbuckle for a flying legdrop on Mysterio that gets the crowd back into it. Looked like Rey smacked his head there. Too many whippets early in the match. We are back in the ring and a few chops by Psycosis. Yet another whip into the turnbuckle. Mysterio jumps over Psycosis, and is shoved BACK into the corner. Psychosis attempts a spear and misses, eating the turnbuckle. Both men slow to get up. Another Woo chop. Mysterio hits a facebuster for two. Another whip reversed, and Rey avoids ANOTHER spear by Psychosis, who puts on wings and attempts to fly out of the ring. He fails, falling to the floor. That looked kind of sick. Rey to the corner and goes up top. He hits a senton on Psychosis, who launched clear intot the CROWD when he missed the spear. Back in the ring Rey hits the 619. Styles: “And he has free nights and weekends!” Rey hits the springboard headscissors for the three count and the win.
Smackdown BRAVO TEAM moves into position. The fans get in JBL’s face telling him to fuck off. “You suck dick” chant. Angle looks very fashionable in a Smackdown polo. Everyone shows off their tickets because they had to mortgage homes to get them. “Fuck you Smackdown” chant. This crowd is WAY into this. JBL to Mysterio from the balconey “I got a ticket you little Mexican!” Awesome. He’s on the card tonight too. Awesome is... Mike Awesome... Why am I explaining it?
Backstage Roadkill does a RVD thumbs and Danny Doring comes on screen just in time for a fuck up to happen, and they cut back to JBL and Orlando in the balcony. Styles tries to cover saying Smackdown did it. So we go to another video backage with Bubba Ray doing his Matt Morgan impression. Then 911 chokeslams some people. Then we get Austin telling us to watch RAW where boys play with each other, and some more caning by Sandman of people. Lawler invading footage, then the footage of Benoit breaking the fuck out of Sabu’s neck. I haven’t seen that in YEARS. Woah I say. Bill Alfonso yelling at Styles, and then Todd Gordon slugging him. Dreamer in the ring, RVD not shaking Sabu’s hands. More Dreamer footage of DDTs and the such. Belulah telling Stevie she cant’ kiss him because she’s pregnant. Tazz choking out Douglas for the ECW Belt. I know Taz(z) has a fucked up neck, but did he REALLY have to gain THAT much wait?
Joel Gertner attempts to do his shtick upstairs in front of Kurt Angle, but Kurt grabs the mic, and JBL shitkicks him out of the balcony. The crowd and myself miss the Joel’s intros that never made it on television, which is probably why we will never hear them tonight. Angle is on the mic. “ECW fans are the lowest form of scum on the Earth. You people suck!” Fans: “You suck dick!” Angle: “Your momma taught me how!” Me: WTF? Angle: “ECW wasn’t wrestling! It was humiliation! And you people are freaking morons! And tonight, you can taunt all you want." Me: "Don't you have to taunt before you hit your finisher?" You: "Shut the fuck up." Angle: "Because we are gonna make sure that each and every ECW wrestler that gets in that ring gets their asses kicked.” Asshole chants abound. JBL gets the mic. “One Block away is MSG. You put my name on the marquee, and it sells out. ECW can barely fill up a bingo hall. And us being here reminds you of this. It reminds you when you sit on your internet between your porn sites at your Mommy’s house, and you e-mail your buddy and say ‘I’m Hardcore’, and he e-mails you back saying ‘I’m Hardcore Too! We love ECW!’ You love ECW because you could be ECW. You fat boy you could be ECW. All you have to do is go to the ring and mutilate your body and bust yourself open. I am better then that. I am a wrestling GOD! You can do your little chants. You are not in my league! So you go on your internet and you tell them that I said that. The man that has sold out arenas around the world. The only chance this PPV succeeds is because I, JBL am here. You will sell PPVs because I am here. You can not beat me and that pisses you sons of bitches off!” Which cues up I AM MORE THEN THE WORD DUDE, DUDE. RVD has heard enough, as Joey Styles informs me. JBL: “Hey you jackass! Don’t you interrupt me! These people are here to see me!” He gives up, as his mic dies somehow… Weird, huh? RVD is out with Fonzie and a huge RVD chant. RVD said this is awesome, and asked Fonzy if he remembers all this. The fans chanted RVD and they gave each other a high five. Rob said it sucks bad enough that they are here sucking up credit they have nothing to do with. He told them to shut their mouths, and RVD said tonight will be one of the biggest PPV’s all year, because these people are sick of people like them every time they want to watch wrestling. Tonight, they get to see what they want to see, and that is ECW! Rob said they deserve zero credit for tonight’s success, the office might be blind to it and RVD doesn’t have a script tonight and he’s going to be shooting from the heart. He said he is going to take us back to a time when he had a voice, before he was scripted to just say “cool” and “whatever”. He remembers when the people would chant his name all show long, but he didn’t sweat it because he had the ability to come out and showcase his skills and make sure everyone went home happy. Rob said as long as he got the chance to do his part is all that matters because he’s the whole FN show, Mr. PPV, Mr. Monday Night. Remember what RVD 420 means? I just smoked your ass!
Rob said it was the best time of his career, and that was how you showcased RVD. Rob said he understands, and this is why he went to Vince and came up with the idea of the ECW PPV. He said you don’t even have to turn the lights on for the whole building, and he wanted a chance to show what they were all about. He said Vince liked his idea, and here we are. Rob is really pumped up by this point. He says he had to get this knee surgery for a torn ACL and meniscus, and he can’t wrestle and it sucks worse than anything. He said it’s worse than missing nay tour even missing WrestleMania. RVD continues to say how great it is, when out of nowhere is I WILL NOT START MY RE-ELECTION TO THE WWE IN A BINGO HALL EITHER. Rhyno. I was gonna do Gore Gore Gore, but it’s overdone. So is my Hot Pocket. How did THAT happen? Rhino puts the boots to RVD and yanks off his knee brace. The lights go out, and when they come back on it’s EVERYONE POINT AT MY UNCLE IN THE SKY WITH LUCY. Sabu. The crowd started chanting it a split second before the lights went out, so maybe they saw it coming too. And we have…
IMPROMPTU MATCH: Rhino Vs. Sabu. They already got nicknames. I REALLY want to see what the buyrate for this PPV was. It takes like what, a month or so to get those numbers? Sabu chants abound. Sabu misses a dive of some sort, but is back up. Rhino with the headlock and whips. Overhead belly to belly suplex on Sabu, and a whip to the corner as Joey pimps Rhino’s being the last ECW World and TV Champs. Sabu reverses a whip and slams Rhino in the head with a chair, knocking him outside. Sabu sets up the chair in the ring, and runs at the ropes, hitting the springboard dive on Rhino to the outside. The crowd loves it. Rhino back up and Sabu tosses a chair at Rhino’s head. It bounces off and looks to hit someone in the crowd. Lawsuit #1 of the evening. Joey cries about you can’t beat a man who fears nothing. Rhino with some clubbering and a cover for one. Rhino up top. Sabu catches him with a few punches, and hits a springboard hurcanarana off the top, and then hits a slingshot leg lariot for a two count. Rhino in the corner. Sabu sets up the chair and hits a running leg lariot off the chair. Rhino falls chin first into the chair. Rhino is back up, but I missed how he did it. Probably used both legs. He picks Sabu up and hits some sort of samoan drop into a neckbreaker on the chair on Sabu for two. Rhino with a Gore on the ref and a piledriver on Sabu. RVD hobbles in the ring and hits Rhino with a chair. Rhino in the corner and RVD hits a hobbling running kick in the face with the chair on Rhino. RVD helps set up a table in the ring, and gets Rhino on top of it. Sabu off the top turnbuckle with the Arabian Facebuster through the table for the three count. Broken Table Count: 1. I am so happy they got the ECW music for this. RVD and Sabu point to the Original Shiek in the sky and high five. Heh heh… High. Replay of the finish with a Joey “OMG!”
Al Snow is backstage with Head. He is talking to head, chastising Head for calling and inviting the “Smackdown Assholes.” He says they’ll talk about it when they get back to the room. For head. Another ECW video package with Al coming to the ring with Head. BWO We’re Taking Over. Bigelow slamming Taz(z) through the ring. Sandman getting caned by Raven in front of his kid and a Pitbull powerbombing women through tables. Van Terminator and Paul posing in the ring. Taz(z) no selling a 911 chokeslam then choking him the fuck out. Sabu and Tazz finally in the ring togheter for the first time so long ago. And now the RAW Alpha Team arrives on the scene. Fans telling Eric “Fuck you!” Then someone spits beer in his face. They get to the balcony as Snitsky brings up the rear smiling from ear to ear. Coach with the obligatory ECW shirt spray painted with a “NO” symbol around it. Which brings us to
SCHEDULED MATCH THE FOURTH: I EMBODY EVERYTHING ECW BECAUSE THEY TOLD YOU I DO is out first. Chris Benoit. They pimp Destroy All Humans and out next is I WISH SOMEONE WOULD LIE CHEAT AND STEAL ME SOME BETTER MUSIC. Eddie Guerrero. There’s an Eddie chant in there somewhere, but Eddie still looks all heelish. He stalks to the ring as Benoit stares him down. Lockup in the ring, with a clean break. More circling and a lock up. Eddie in the corner and a clean break. Benoit attempts a chop but Eddie ducks. He then points to his head as the crowd chants “I fucked Lita!” There is some more lockups and Eddie bails out of the ring as the crowd then changes the chant to “She’s got herpes” At least they mix it up, you know? We then go into a “You screwed Matt” chant as Eddie is back in the ring with a Woo chop and some clubbering. There is A LOT of screwing and fucking going on tonight. Benoit with some Woo chops, but Eddie counters with a thumb to the eye. Eddie into a rest hold that is countered into a backdrop suplex from Benoit. Both men down and it looks like Eddie is bleeding from the bridge of his nose. The crowd chanted “Let’s go Benoit” and then RIGHT after looked to chant something else, but I didn’t make it out. Both men back up, and back up into some rest holds as the crowd chants “Fuck you Bischoff!” I am convinced that this match is more about chants then wrestling. Benoit gets out and goes to the ropes. He shoulder blocks Eddie down and goes to the ropes again, but Eddie dumps him and talks down. Eddie with a chair and a shot to the back that looked to hit most of the crowd barrier, but sounded cool anyway. Some chick wearing pink gets her beer spilled on her. She looks WAY out of place. He BF will be getting no head tonight. Unless he sees Al back at the room. That was a lame joke. I’ll stop for the moment. Benoit and Eddie back in, and to the turnbuckle. Eddie with a superplex with claps from the crowd. About time they shut up. I like the chants as much as the next guy, but the plethora of Lita chants was a little much. Eddie up top with a frog splash, but misses. Both men down. Like I was saying. The Lita/Edge/Matt chants are good on RAW I suppose, but make no sense on this. They’re just doing it to be smarky. I miss the two guys in the front row with the straw hats and Hawaiian shirts. I missed something, because Benoit just hits a suplerplex on Eddie, then gets one German. Two Germans. Three Germans. Four Germans. He has a Panzer squad out there folks. Benoit to the top rope. The flying headbutt connects. Benoit covers for the TWO. Benoit attempts another German, but the unit has no room and Eddie reverses. They go back and forth for a moment and Benoit locks in the Crossface. Eddie holds on for a minute or two, then taps out. JBL cheers on Benoit. Foley saying “JBL is saying there’s our guy, a Smackdown guy.” Aren’t they both on Smackdown? And we go into a HHH/Batista promo for HITC. You know it was coming. I’m mildly surprised no Vince promos around here.
JOEL GERTNER is back. He attempts to interview Bischoff. “I have a question. It’s a question that is on the minds of everyone here at Hammerstein. I have to ask you. Can I have a job? I can announce! I can get you coffee!” He pulls out his resume and video tape for Eric. RAW guys laugh it off. Eric calls him a scab and runs him down. “I don’t want to see you, or any of YOU scabs at a RAW event. Because you don’t have the class to be there.” You have to be a baby killer, corpse fucker or adulterer to enter.
SCHEDULED MATCH THE FIFTH: I AM NOT AS AWESOME WITH MY SHORT HAIR is out first. Mike Awesome. If you only saw him in WCW, he was a machine in Japan and ECW. They ruined him. Foley talks about it the entire match. Next up is CHIKUSHOU MAI KATAMI KOUDAI is out first. I attempted to say Damn My Shoulders are Huge in Japanese, but I probably fucked up the vernacular in there: Oh yeah, he is Masato Tanaka. Joey calls Awesome a Judas. Joey then runs him down for taking a $250,000 check and $1,000,000 contract to leave ECW. I can’t blame him too much, but it DID kill his career in the US to that point. Foley comments that the mullet needs to come back as well. Then Styles just goes off on Awesome. Bitter much Joey? Staredown in the ring as the two get in each toher’s face. Pushing contest into some punches and a whip. Masato eats a belly to belly suplex from Awesome. Awesome goes to the apron and hits a springboard shoulder block over to Masato. Masato goes outside, and Awesome hits a running suicide dive OVER the top rope on Masato. EC-Dub chants. JBL is shown upstairs. Why? Awesome whips Masato into the crowd barrier by that fucking pink chick again. Awesome goes for a splash, but Masato tosses him into the crowd, then picks up a chair and runs at him, waffling him in the head. Awesome back over and Masato eats an Awesome clothesline. Awesome rolls him back in the ring. Awesome sets a table up in the corner of the crowd barrier outside. Joey pimps FMW from Japan and the apologizes for losing his cool. Awesome and Masato on the apron and Awesomes hits THE RUNNING AWESOME BOMB OFF THE APRON THROUGH TE TABLE! Table Count: 2. Holy Shit chants ensue. Replay shows that Masato looks to come down on his head. Ouch. Awesome puts Masato back in the ring and hits the Awesome splash for a two count. Awesome attempts a piledriver. Masato counters with a backdrop, but Awesome hangs on, rolls back over to his feet and fucking powerbombs him in the middle of the ring. Wow. JBL is cheering Awesome on because Masato is foreign. Awesome outside looking under the ring for… something. Doesn’t find it and grabs a steel chair. Back in the ring as Masato has one too. Awesome misses a swing. Masato misses. Awesome connects right in the head. Then hits him a SECOND time. Masato doesn’t sell. He ducks a third, but then eats the fourth RIGHT in the head and is down. Awesome puts him in the corner, but Awesome eats an elbow and Masato hits a flipping neckbreaker for two. He then puts Awesome in the corner for a tornado DDT for two. He then hits Awesome in the head with the chair, lays it on his face, and hits an elbow drop with ANOTHER chair off the top rope. EC Dub chants return. Joey has been saying Holy Crap for awhile now. Two count is no good. Masato and Awesome back up. Masato with a few punches and goes to the rope. Masato misses the elbow and Awesome hits a German suplex, but Masato is RIGHT back up screaming like Charlie Haas. Awesome is all “Get the fuck back down” and spears him right back down to demonstrate. Awesome with a chair up to the top rope. He jumps off and waffles Masato in the head hard as he comes down. Masato FINALLY down as Awesome gets another table and has trouble sliding it in the ring. Something looks fucked up on it, as Awesome just tosses it aside and grabs another. “You Fucked Up” chants. Fuck you fans. Awesome gets a table in the ring as Awesome sets it up in the corner. Awesome and Masato ascend the turnbuckle looking for a superplex. However, Masato counters with a DDT off the top rope through the table for a two count. Table Count: 3. Both men BACK up to the corner. They go up… Again? Awesome up and this… HOLY SHIT! REVERSE AWESOME BOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE THROUGH THE REMAINS OF TE TABLE! I NEED MORE CAPITOLS! JBL apparently is LOVING this in the balcony. Masato is down and Awesome goes outside for ANOTHER table. He sets it up outside and has the crowd barrier moved back. “This match rules” chant is out. The fans won me back. Awesome picks Masato up and fucking Awesome Bombs him OVER the top rope through the table. Table Count: 4. Awesome then just fucking jumps through the second rope on top of Masato for a three count outside. REALLY cool visual, and all of us watching it yelled out as they were showing the carnage outside, and all of the sudden with no warning Awesome just sails through the screen and collapses on Masato. Wow. I am… wow. This match was better then Rey/Psycosis by far. Wow. Then again, Rey is injured and Psycosis took off his fucking mask, so oh well.
Joey and Foley thank the fans for making this possible, when the ECW Theme hits and out comes… The Wolf from Pulp Fiction? Looked like it for a second, that was Bob Artese. I didn’t recognize him at first… wait here he is… IF I WAS A MAD SCIENTIST I WOULD HAVE INVENTED A MONEY TREE AND CURED MY SKULLET! Paul Heyman ladies and gents. He is in the ring, and is crying as the fans chant “Thank you Paul!” I got goosebumbs. He’ll probably rip into Eric or something. Paul gets on the mic as EC Dub chants start up “I’m not crying. My eyes are red because I was in the back smoking a joint with Van Dam.” Ha ha. “I would like the thank Todd Gordon for letting me be creative.” He then thanks some TV guys in the front row, but I didn’t catch the names no matter how many times I rewind. “You are the craziest bastards I ever met in my life, and I love every one of you” Paul E. chant ensues “I was gonna take the high road and just say thank you and leave, but I have something to say to you..” He points at Eric as Foley says “Don’t take the high road Paul.” Paul continues “You don’t see ME with MY tail between my legs at a WCW PPV, Eric. You are in OUR house, Bitch!” Oh snap!!! The crowd liked that. Paul continues… “Wait a minute. Hide your wives, it’s Edge!” You screwed Matt chants. “I know Edge, that nobody with a scripted promo has the balls to say this to you, but I have three words for you. Matt Freaking Hardy.” Edge does a spit take. That’s fucking alchohol abuse. Why do they do this? STOP WAISTING IT! They then have a discussion in the balcony if it was three words or not as the crowd chants We Want Matt. Then Paul turns to JBL. “Mr. Shoot promo yourself. All the bounced checks. ECW went out of business, Hey John, cowboy, if you want to shoot, I have something to say to you from all of us down here. The only reason you were WWE champion for a year was because HHH didn’t want to work Tuesdays.” The crowd just died and went to heaven. JBL screams out something about Elizabeth and fakes a heart attack. Flair is gonna sue. “Now, one more time for old times sake. Right there so the whole world can see you. This isn’t WCW. This isn’t Smackdown. This isn’t RAW. This isn’t even WWE. This is E..C.. Fucking W!” EC Dub chants as Paul leaves the ring and goes to the back head held high, probably awaiting his pink slip. And we fade out?
Commercial for Rob Zombie’s new movie. Split second I thought it was for a WWE movie. Apparently not. It’s called the Devil’s Rejects. Yay?
SCHEDULED MATCH THE LAST: WE’RE ONLY ALLOWED TO WEAR THE TIE-DIE COVERED UP and FUCK FLAIR AND HUNTER, I GAVE BATISTA HIS START are out first to a huge pop. It’s Bubba and D-Von. Joey pimps how they are the most decorated tag-team in the history of wrestling. Lots of bowing to the Dudleys. Out next is THIS IS BETTER THEN EATING PUKE FOR A CHECK. Tommy Dreamer put on some weight. Must be something he ate. He stands the bottom of the ring as we await the ten minute Sandman entrance. Music hits and the crowd starts looking around for him. The camera even thinks that he is supposed to be at the ramp, but shit no. There he is TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER THIS SHOW. He’s in the balcony with the fans. Whew. Some guys grabs Sandman’s kendo stick and hits himself in the head with it. Sandman does the beer can bit and tries to make it out, but it takes awhile. So, the crowd sings along with Sandman. The music. Not the wrestler. Fan sign “ECW Please Japan Tour.” Does that guy know that they’re closed? Sandman stands on the first balcony now and pours beer in some fan’s mouth. We can’t see if he or she is underage. Sandman THEN goes to the crowd barrier and stands on it as fans hold him up and he does the beer can bit again. If none of you have seen it before, it’s where he opens a can of beer, drinks half and then slams the rest against his head a few times until he is busted open. Sandman then pours beer on a chick’s chest and licks it off as Joey says “Wow.” Then… Elektra is in the crowd? WTF? And Sandman pours beer on her chest as Dreamer licks it off. Joey Styles: “How come I didn’t get a beer?” JBL screams out of the balconey at Sandman as Sandman, who REALLY looks kind of drunk, tells him to come down, and then proceeds to jerk off his kendo stick between his legs. Sandman has a beer gut. Bubba Ray is the only man in the ring who looks to have gotten in BETTER shape since we last saw them. All four are in the ring as EC Dub chants start off, and everyone gives fist love to each other when… BWO music HITS! Joey loses it with fake laughing. I’M TAKING OVER MASTERLOCK, NO SIMON SYSTEM ALLOWED HERE and AM I STILL DATING JASMINE ST.CLAIR BECAUSE I GAINED BACK ALL THE WEIGHT are out. The Blue World Order, Stevie Richards/Big Stevie Cool, Simon Dean/Hollywood Nova and The Blue Meanie/Blue Guy. Fast fact, did you know that Stevie Richards headlined an ECW PPV once? How’s THAT for perspective? If you’ve never seen this before, the BWO is a rib at the NWO, only better. Foley talks about his last match in ECW where he strutted out of the ring with the BWO. While I type all that, Stevie is on the mic. “I have heard a lot of people talk about invading. A lot of people talk about crusading. You cannot have a real true hardcore invasion without the B…W… O… So with that being said we have three simple words for ya. We’re… taking… over…” And Stevie hits the Stevie kick on Sandman. They then put the boots to Sandman and Dreamer with the Dudleys as LOOKING FOR A JOB! comes running out. Kid Kash. Methinks this is your shmoz for awhile as half the roster comes out. They talk about Kid Kash being Mr. TNA when I LOOK MORE DUSTY THEN DUSTY and RIDING BALLS’ COATTAILS. Balls Mahoney and Axl Rotten comes out looking very fat. Joey Styles “It looks like a prison break in here” Balls and Axl hit some punches as the crowd chants along “Balls, balls, balls” with each punch. Nova eats two chair shots and goes down. The Dudleys toss them out as Joey and myself both wonder “Is there even going to be a match?” Everyone is on the ramp as Kash goes to the ropes and jumps over the top rope to hit a suicide dive and take everyone out. They replay it. I wonder if that one move will get him hired? Everyone not in the match brawls to the back as the bell rings and the match sort of starts. Dream and Bubba in the ring. Bubba hits a belly to back suplex as D-Von and Sandman brawl outside. Bubba waffles Dreamer with a metal sign, then pulls out a cheese grater and cuts him in the face. Dreamer is all sorts of bloody. Bubba with a few elbows to the head and then goes to the top rope. “Die Dreamer!” he screams as he pulls off his missed splash spot. D-Von in and hits a neck breaker on Dreamer. Sandman in with a ladder and takes down both Dudleys. He gives the ladder to Dreamer who pulls the spinning windmill thing with the ladder over his head. Foley says that Dreamer stole it from him, and that Foley stole it from Funk. Back in the ring after some brawling as Dreamer cuts Bubba with the cheese grater. Sandman hits a drop toe kick on D-Von into a trash can in the ring. Sandman and D-Von brawl as Bubba and Dreamer wear Crimson Masks outside. Sandman puts D-Von down and sets the ladder on top of him, then goes to the top rope and hits a senton bomb on D-Von through the ladder. Holy Shit chants as Bubba is in and clears house. Dudleys put Sandman on the ladder as Bubba goes to the top rope and frog splashes Sandman for a two count. Foley starts saying that the RAW and Smackdown guys are on the edge of their seats watching the action and that they love it. I’ll bet he’s right. Sandman and Dreamer then turn the tide against the Dudleys and each lock in a figure four leg lock at the same time. Joey and I are both surprised at an actual wrestling move. The Impact Players come running out and break it up, Justin Credible hitting the tombstone piledriver on Sandman onto some barbed wire he brought out. They then hold up Dreamer so Francine can kick him in the nuts. And out of nowhere is Belulah for the opportunity to see Francine’s thong and have Joey yell out “Catfight!” Dreamer back in and is able to clear house. Him and Belulah alone in the ring and then hug. The Dudleys back in and both Dreamer and Belulah duck clotheslines and hit DDTs for two counts. Joey and Foley both talk about a real woman will DDT someone for her man. Then Joey wishes happy birthday to his wife and claims she’s 25. I smell Shenanigans. Sandman grabs D-Von and places a chair on his crotch, and then Dreamer grabs a sign and yells the Whazzup thing the Dudleys do and hits D-Von in the crotch. Bubba back in and clears house with a kendo stick. We then see the emergence of a table in the match. D-Von powerbombs Sandman through the table for a two count. Table Count: 6. Bubba collapsed in the corner in what is a GREAT visual, Dreamer throws a cookie sheet at him and hits Bubba in the head. It looks like fans in the front row brought some weapons and are handing them to the wrestlers in this match. Dreamer kendo sticks D-Von and then eats a 3-D after a failed whip into the ropes. Another table is set up in the ring as Spike Dudley comes down shaking his head saying “No no no!” He tells Bubba and D-Von to stop, and then hands them lighter fluid and matches. Bubba spends about three minutes just pouring the shit on the table, walks away to kick Sandman once, and then goes right back to spraying it on the table. The table is set on fire and Dreamer is powerbombed through it by Bubba. Table Count: 7. The crowd goes INSANE as they chant Holy Shit during a 3 count on Dreamer and the match is over. Dudleys imbrace as the carnage is cleared from the ring. Bubba pulls Belulah into the ring as Sandman makes the save with the kendo stick. Sandman checks on Dreamer, turns around and rather then yelling for a medic, starts screaming “Somebody get me a beer!” Which, after two or three of those screams, glass shatters and out comes DID SOMEBODY SAY BEER? Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out. RAW and Smackdown guys look dumbfounded as Austin hits the four corners to a good ovation in the ring. Austin is on the mic “Did you just say you needed a beer? Sandman I’ve seen you drink, and you don’t need a beer. You need a whole case of beer. But I want all those guys in the back flying the ECW colors to come out here and we’re gonna have ourselves a good old fashioned beer bash. The entire ECW lockerroom for the evening comes out. Even a couple guys not used. Chris Chetti it out there. Roadkill and Doring. Jonny Swinger. CW Anderson. Everyone. So, beer is passed out and everyone starts to drink when Austin gets on the mic again “You ready to drink the damn beer? Well hold on a damn second. I came out here to see a damn fight. I’ve seen brutality. I’ve seen calamity. I’ve nerely Oded on violence.” He then runs down the RAW and Smackdown guys telling them to get in the ring and fight it out. They’re a little slow to start, as Austin and the crowd goad them some more. Austin sits down in a chair and grabs a beer waiting for them to come out. He calls them yellow bellied cowards and threatens to come up there and fight them if they all don’t come down. Which… apparently twenty guys are frightened by Austin because they listen. Eric stops by the announce table to talk as the rest of Team Alpha and Bravo deploy to the ring. I don’t think I mentioned it, but when Smackdown was run down by RVD, Angle took off his shirt and kept it off the whole time, which I find weird. “We want Matt” chants in the crowd. The two factions face off in the ring when I’VE BEEN PUNKING OUT ANGLE FOREVER comes out. Taz(z). Joey pimps out the FTW championship and how Taz is old school with one z. He then yells at Eric as Angle and Taz(z) get in each other’s grill and they start the brawl off. Angle and Taz(z) fight up the ramp as the ring is a big clusterfuck. Taz(z) locks in the Tazmission on Angle on the ramp and chokes him out. The ECW guys then start dumping the WWE guys to the outside. Looks like somebody threw Snitsky threw a table. Table Count: 8. They all start to back out as Bischoff runs down ECW fans on commentary. The WWE guys retreat to the back as the fans chant EC Dub! Somebody didn’t let Vince book this, did they? Austin gets on the apron and tells the WWE guys they got their asses whooped. Sandman is frigging staggering. Austin has on JBL’s hat as he tells Foley to bring Bischoff to the ring. Eric sort of fights it, but not very well. Sandman drunkenly tells Austin to give him a beer, and Austin tries to continue with goading Eric out as the RAW and Smackdown guys just walk past him, not helping at all. Foley gained MORE weight? Jeeze. They bring Eric to the ring and Foley tosses him in as Styles runs down Eric and Ted Turner. Eric eats a 3D from the Dudleys. Austin then asks for a headbutt from Benoit, and he obliges. Austin then asks for a 619 from Mysterio, who does it to some actual boos. Eric is down as Austin gets over him… “Eric…. Eric can you hear me? This is… Austin calling Eric. I thought maybe I would take this time to conduct a post-show interview. Your thoughts on the evening.” He puts the mic to Eric’s mouth and to his credit he screams “FUCK ECW!” with bleeps. Austin stuns Eric and then the Dudleys take him out of the ring and to the outside of the arena and toss him on a WWE production truck as Austin’s music hits and everyone drinks beer. The music then changes over to Bodies Hitting the Floor as Sandman, even drunker screams something that needs to get bleeped. Al Snow pours beer in Head’s mouth as the crowd cheers and everyone celebrates. Joey Styles thanks everyone for wanting this to happen. Last words from Joey “ECW Lives!” I get goosebumps again.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I know some of you know this, but I grew up watching NWA with Flair as a kid. I never really watched WWF when I was younger until NWA went off the air by my house. I stopped watching until the early 90s when I was at military school, and a few of the Japanese cadets somehow got their hands on some ECW traded tapes, and I started watching. And then we got their syndicated show on the cable, and I was hooked. ECW got me back into wrestling back in 94. I was one of the guys that had hope that they would do this PPV right, and they did. The WWE guys got their asses kicked. The matches were awesome. Surprisingly enough, Rey / Psycosis was the worst match of the night, which says something for the quality. I really hope that they pick up a few of these guys in contracts and book them correctly. I even hope that they get rid of Experience and take that hour of weekend programming, move it later in the night and give ECW a one hour show. They wouldn’t even have to take more then a couple of WWE guys who aren’t doing dick right now anyway. No matter how much you like them, RAW and Smackdown could live without RVD, Stevie Richards, Simon Dean, The Dudleys, Tajiri and Nunzio. You could take those guys, hire on some of these guys that aren’t on the roster, and DO something different as long as they continued in this vein. The crowd was hot for this. This was by far the best PPV of the year I’ve seen. It ended on a happy note, and like normal ECW matches, nobody really cared WHO won. It was the road we took to get to the end of the match. I hope Vince smells the money here, because if he wanted to he could open ECW back up today and it would make money. And it would offer an alternative to the current product that would make HIM richer. Can they take the old guys and put on great shows? At first they could. But it would give them a basis to start out, and then they could bring in more wrestlers from Japan and Mexico and elsewhere where they could get over and create future stars. The production can’t be THAT expensive, and they could keep it in smaller arenas like they used to do. On a side note. I read on the news sites that some people couldn’t order the PPV on the WWE site because there was too much traffic on the site. And right after and towards the end of the PPV, 411mania.com and a few other wrestling websites were getting too much traffic and weren’t coming up as well. If Vince doesn’t figure this out… But I’ll focus on tonight. Great show. Awesome/Masato was MOTN. And the Heyman shoot was great too. Oh yeah, Final Table count: 8. I should have counted steel chair used.