01/27 HEAT RECAP



ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF Anyone remember me? At ALL? It's me... It's me... It's your faithful Triple B. I'm here to return to my duties of weekly HEAT and Velocity recaps. Remember when I would tell you things I would hate? Well...I won't add anything else, but I'll show you what I already had:

BRAD HATES:
People mispronouncing his name
Foglights
Laguna Beach
Omarosa
John Cena's Spinner Belt
Viscera
People Not Participating in the End of the Year 2005 Awards
People who hate Unions
Myself
Being alone... ish.

PRE-HEAT: I get to start out with The Hearthrobs? All is right in the world.

MATCH THE FIRST

Out first is THAT IS A NICE BALLOON HAT YOU HAVE, accompanied by THE BETTER TO PROTECT MY HEAD with. They are Romeo and Antonio. They come out and start to talk about how they need to find themselves a woman. So... Antonio pelvic thrusts while Romeo makes "Doop Doop" sounds on the mic. Who told HEAT it could get better? They bring two chicks in the ring and start to pelvic thrust, but decide that the porn stars random ladies in the crowd should dance with each other. They don't look as attractive now that they zoom in on them. Just before they kiss, out comes THESE HERE WOMEN FOLK NEED TO BE DOING LAUNDRY, NOT PLAYIN KISSIE FACE is Trevor Murdoch. Is Lance Cade still employed? And why did they split these two guys up? God... I must have missed so much in the six weeks I've been gone. And this match hasn't even STARTED yet. Oh... there it goes. Trevor charges Romeo, but Romeo dodges it and Trevor hits the turnbuckle. Romeo with a armdrag and then pelvic thrusts in Trevor's face. Trevor is all angery grr, adn charges, but Romeo dumps him outside. Trevor gets yelled at by Antonio, then goes back in the ring to get schoolboyed by Romeo fora two count. Trevor says "Fuck Dat Noise" and goes to leave, but Romeo chases him. Trevor punches him down like he does his wife, and gets him back in the ring for some kickery for a two count. Trevor has Romeo back up and hits a neckbreaker, then some big forearms. I'm distracted by "Good Morning Vietnam" on TV for a minute, and Trevor hits a huge running elbow on Romeo in the corner. Trevor slaps Romeo around in the corner some more, but Romeo starts to fight back with punchery. Trevor kicks Romeo and shoots him to the corner. Romeo back out and eats a boot to the head from Trevor. Trevor gets Romeo back in the corner and hits the bulldog off the second rope for the three count. Trevor does not look happy that he won. Probably cause he had to wrestle "Da Gays."

MATCH THE SECOND PROMO THE SECOND.

THERE'S the shitty HEAT I know and love. I STOLE DEAN DOUGLAS' SWEATER is Matt Striker. He's out to explain why he isn't in the Royal Rumble. I answer his question by closing the window and moving on to a real wrestling match.

MATCH THE THIRD.

Did you know that Jack Black was in the Never Ending Story III and Biodome? Me neither. Already in the ring is JOBBY MC JOBBER is Jason Jones. His opponent is I DEDICATE ALL MY JOBBER MATCHES TO EDDIE is Chavo Guerrero. That was a shot at Eddie or Chavo, more of a shot at the WWE for only having Jobber matches for Chavo to fucking wrestle. Lockup with a headlock takedown by Chavo. Jones is out, but gets the same move combo hit on him again. Back up, and again. Back up, Chavo to the ropes and hits a shouldblock takedown on Jones. Chavo and Jones circle and lockup. Chavo with a hammerlock takedown, Jones back up, elbows out and to the ropes. Chavo hits a armdrag takedown, picks up Jones and hits a European Uppercut. Chavo with a scoopslam for a two count. Chavo with a rear waistlock, Jones breaks it up by back into the corner. Chavo hits fourteen dozen clotheslines, then a dropkick. Chavo with a kick to the midsection and DDT on Jones. Chavo goes up top to Eddie chants, and jumps off for the Frog Splash and the three count. You know, Chavo would be a solid guy to put the IC Belt on. It's not like Flair fucking needs/defends it. And why is it that the vast majority of the champions are injured? Edge is working through an injury. Angle's neck is hanging on by a thread. Booker T has crutches. Flair is older then half the roster put together. Kid Kash is injured. Trish Stratus is in the best health of any singles champion.

THIS IS THE MAIN EVENTAH????!

I fucking come back to fucking recap fucking MORE FUCKING VISCERA SHIT??? FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK HEAT! FUCK VINCE! GEORGE W. BUSH HATES BLACK PEOPLE!

I'm not black.

But my penis is.

We get a video package of Edge doing Edgey stuff. Out first for the match is IT ISN'T OUR FAULT THAT VISCERA IS HERE is Tyson Tomko and Gene Snitsky. Maybe this won't be a total loss. Hey, Tomko wasn't in Raw Vs. Smackdown 2006, was he? Out next is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR NICKNAMES. They are Viscera and Val Venis. Goddamn... couldn't Viscera have gotten fired while I was gone? Val throws his cumrag at some lucky lady in the crowd. Viscera and Snitsky to start. AH! I hate my AIM Triton sometimes. Viscera with a scoop slam on Gene, but he punches Viscera's fat back, and tags out to Tomko so he can get hit with fat splashes in the corner. Val is tagged in. GODDAMN YOU TRITON SHUT THE FUCK UP! Viscera hits a spinebuster, something else happens while I look away from the screen at the TV, and Val is dumped outside to the apron by Tomko. Snitsky dumps Val off the apron and slams him into the apron and rolls him back in. Tomko picks up Val and drops him by the face on the turnbuckle. Tag in to Snitksy. Snitsky slams Val in the corner.... this is all leading to Viscera cleaning house on a hot tag to win the match... Goddamn it all. Tag in to Tomko. Tomko hits some knees to the head, and picks up Val. Val slaps him on the back and that knocks down Tomko. Tomko grabs Val's foot, but Val hits the enzurigi (sp?) and tags in Vis. Vis slams everyone and their brother around in the ring, hits a double clothesline on Tomko and Snitsky. Viscera is dumped outside. OMG! TOMKO AND SNITSKY MIGHT WIN! They both go for the boot on Val, but Val ducks and hits Tomko. Val takes out Snitsky and Viscera hits the Fat Falldown on Tomko to get the three count.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really forgot how much I fucking hate this fucking show. Velocity tomorrow kiddies.