2/10 HEAT REBEAK
ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF I actually started to recap last week's HEAT and Velocity. However, in my anger at BOTH of them being recap shows, this was all I was able to pump out:
It... it's just the same fucking video fucking package that they fucking put on fucking all the time... FUCK YOU WWE. FUCK YOU ALL IN THE GOAT EAR! I don't even get to see the fucking Lita nipple shot that is all over the internet? And I have have to watch this shit again? It's the Live Sex segment. Where magically it's all "Hey! There's Ric Flair!" and then "Hey! Ric Flair is Dead!" and then John Cena is all "I can't see Ric's blood!" and jumps in the ring, chasing off Edge. Then Cena is all "You can't see no matches on HEAT!" and F-Us Lita. No Cena... it's more like... F-U!
Needless to say, it went downhill from there. I spared you all. You can thank me later.
People mispronouncing his name
John Cena's Spinner Belt
People Not Participating in the End of the Year 2005 Awards
People who hate Unions
Being alone... ish.
PRE-HEAT: Let's just get to it. I'll talk on another recap.
EL MATCHO EL FIRSTO
Out first is RIC FLAIR STOLE MY ROBE is Goldust. His opponent is RICO SUAVE STOLE MY STYLE is Lance Cade. War of the jobbers to ensue! Lance Cade even lost his music? WTF? What is the fucking point of building up a tag-team, bringing them in, and then... I have HEAT. So much. Cade will probably lose too. I wish my Daddy was 800 pounds and was backstage. Goldust gets chants while he squats there, probably shitting. Cade just walks around, cause lord knows he won't attack until Goldust stands up. Cause that's just plain mean. The white Viscera is in teh front row yelling something, but I don't really pay attention. Goldust is out of the corner and they roll around for bit, before breaking it up. Goldust squats again, then goes to the ropes fourteen times before hitting his uppercut. Cade to the apron, and Goldust slides out for another uppercut. Goldust charges Cade in the corner, but Cade gets a boot up. Cade on top for some mounted punching on Goldust. Cade picks Goldust up and shoots him to the ropes for a back elbow smash and a two count. Cade locks in a front face lock on Goldust. Goldust elbows out , Cade to the ropes and attempts a punch, but it's blocked and he unleashes some punches on Cade, shoots him to the ropes and hits an atomic drop. Goldust with another atomic drop. Cade is all walky aroundy groggily. Goldust goes for an inverted DDT, but it's blocked. Goldust with a knee smash, then hits the inverted DDT for the three count.
Moves used: Punch, knee smash, inverted DDT, atomic drop. Four. Four fucking moves. I'm glad my daddy got me MY job.
Viginite with the Hearthrobs. In memorium of their release, I will give their recap as much time as they had on RAW:
ROMEO and ANTONIO: Good Evening WWE! We're the Heart...
EL MATCHO EL SECONDO.
Viginite with Tomko and Snitsky. They slap each other and talk about toes. I was riveted.
Out first is I WILL BE RINGSIDE AT NO WAY OUT SO I CAN GIVE TRIPLE B MORE OF A REASON TO HATE RANDY ORTON is Chavo Guerrero. His opponent is I THOUGHT I WAS FIRED OR SOMETHING is Johnny Parisi. They lock up and Chavo hits a headlock takedown. Circling ensues. Lockup and Chavo gets a leglock takedown, into a headlock and an armdrag with an armbar. We have already done more moves in this match then the last match. Fucking Goldust. Parisi shoots Chavo to teh ropes, but Chavo hits a shoulderbreaker, then two armdrags back into the arm bar. Parisi back up with some knee lifts, shoots Chavo to the corner, but Chavo floats over, goes for a splash but misses, allowing Johnny to hit some more knee lifts. Parisi shoots Chavo to the ropes, and hits a knee smash. Chavo goes back to the ropes, hits a sunset flip for two. Parisi back up, and hits another knee for a one count. Parisi pounds on Chavo's arm, then lays the boots into him by the ropes. Parisi eats a kick from Chavo, but kicks back and locks in an abdominable stretch. More like an abominable stretch. Hyuk hyuk. Chavo channels the power of Eddie, because that's what the WWE likes to do, and breaks out of the hold by just standing up. He trades punches with Parisi, then hits an uppercut and a headscissors. Chavo with a drop toe hold and a dropkick for a two count. Chavo over with some punchery and attempts a scoopslam, but Parisi floats out, hits Chavo and hits a shoulderbreaker. Parisi chokes out Chavo, then picks him up for a suplex. Chavo blocks it, but Parisi grabs him from behind. Chavo elbows out and goes up top for a moonsault. He misses and lands on his feet, hitting a DDT on Parisi. Chavo goes up top, and comes off with the frog splash for the three count. Thanks for making HEAT better Chavo.
Viginite with Venis and Viscera. I close the window quickly.
WOULDN'T BE HEAT WITHOUT A RECAP.
Fuck this. I ain't recaping any Cena recaps.
THIS IS THE MAIN EVENTAH????!
So this is entitled "Triple Threat Elimination Match for a future World Tag Team Championship opportunity match."
What the FUCK does THAT mean? They get their title shot next October?
Out first is FIRED and FIRED. They are the Hearthrobs. Next is FIRED NEXT MONTH with FIRED NEXT MONTH. They are Tomko and Snitsky. Out last is NEVER FIRED and HAS PICTURES OF VINCE MCMAHON FUCKING A COW is Val Venis and Viscera. Let's see.... Looks like Snitsky and Val will start out. Val eats an early clothesline from Snitsky. Antonio comes in, and jumps on Snitsky's back. Snitsky hits him off in the corner. Romeo puts a boa around Snitksy's neck, who walks away, loving his new gift. Tomko yells at him while the Hearthrobs hit double drop kick on Snitsky's back, then a double baseball slide to both Snitksy and Tomko. Meanwhile, Viscera is fat. Tomko catches Antonio with a slam for a three count. They are eliminated. Sigh.... Val and Viscera are all stupid, and Val hits a drop toe kick on Snitsky. Viscera makes Snitsky eat a splash. Viscera then goes "Eat?" and covers for a two count. They then slam Tomko around for awhile. Snitsky does something that I miss while I scratch myself, and rolls Val back in the ring. Snitsky and Tomko took the Hearthrob's corner. When you pin someone, you get all their worldly possessions. Tomko is in, and hits a powerslam on Val for a two count. Tomko picks Val up and drives him into his corner, and tags in Snitsky. Snitsky hits a boot, but gets low blowed by Val, but still eats a bearhug from Sntisky. Viscera once again is all "Eat?" Val fights back out, but then gets hit with a sleeper by Snitsky. Val hits a front slam to escape, then crawls to Viscera for the Hot Tag. Tomko grabs Val's foot, but Val hits the heel kick to once again crawl . Snitsky comes over and tries to stop Val, but is unable cause he's all covered in some oiling substance, adn Val comes in with side slams and powerslams for everyone. Viscera gyrates as I throw up a little bit. Tomko is in, but Val broke that shit up. They then throw Tomko and Sniutsky into each other a bunch of times, then throw in Val, then Viscera kills everyone. Val clotheslines out Tomko, and Viscera hits a samoan drop on Tomko. Val hits the Money Shot, and Viscera hits a splash for the three count. I hate everything.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I really forgot how much I fucking hate this fucking show. Velocity next kiddies.