3/18 HEAT REBEAK



ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF Holy crap-o-rama. I'm back! After the short hiatus, I have returned to recapping HEAT and Velocity. The shows bad enough that I can only give out 5 capitol letters. We all know that I pretty much hate HEAT and love Velocity, so I guess... I'll just say fuck alot. My resolution here as I take back over the reigns of recapping is to swear at least twice as much. Let's all hold each other and hope that I can suceed...

Oh yeah, we have to add one more thing on the list of things Brad Hates, as is the tradition. I'll go THIS week with Trifflin Bitches. How's that? Vague enough?

BRAD HATES:
People mispronouncing his name
Foglights
Laguna Beach
Omarosa
John Cena's Spinner Belt
Viscera
People Not Participating in the End of the Year 2005 Awards
People who hate Unions
Myself
Being alone... ish.
Trifflin Bitches

PRE-HEAT: Let's just get to it. I'll talk on another recap.

EL MATCHO EL FIRSTO

Out first is MAH PURTY PANTIES HAVE HELPED MAH CAREER is Lance Cade. His opponent is I'M SO RETARDED, I THINK LANCE CADE WILL WRESTLE ON RAW ONE DAY is Eugene. My nicknames were pretty bad. Let's hope that as my anger rises at this show, they'll improve. Eugene comes out all like a tard... and I have an overwhelming urge to kick him. Eugene puts his hand up, wanting the test of strength. Test... Test... this is a test... Cade puts up his hand, but Eugene switches. Cade tries that hand, but Eugene switches again. What a switch hitter. Then the two of them go off the ropes back and forth for a few times, and Eugene points at the ceiling, then pokes Cade in the eye. Eugene then goes outside, puts on Cade's jacket and hat, and runs around the ring like a retard. I am NOT making any of this up. Cade and Eugene hold hands, then Cade is all "Wait a minute! I'm the heel!" and clotheslines Eugene, then beats him with his jacket. That'll learn em! Cade with some mounted punching, then Eugene is back to the ropes, but Cade is able to duck something... and hit a bulldog for two. Ladies and gentleman, our first wrestling move of the night! Cade grabs Eugene for a belly to belly suplex for two. Cade drives Eugene back into the corner, makes a wrong turn and ends up in Dudleyville. Population: 0. Vince won't let Dudleys live there anymore. Cade has Eugene out with a front facelock, but Eugene turns around and hits a backslide for the three count. That was a fucking retarded fucking match that let the bigger retard fucking win. What the fuck happened to Lance and Murdoch tagging? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

Wrestlemania Merchandice Pimping commercial.

EL MATCHO EL SECONDO.

Out first is LEADING THE "WHO WILL GET FIRED NEXT" POOL, Matt Striker. His opponent is JOBBER MCJOBBERTON, Chris Valenzuela. Isn't that a country? Striker is wearing a sweatervest with no shirt underneath, and looks pretty retarded. It must be spreading. He's talking, so I turned off the audio. The camera continues to zoom in on his ass and package, cause lord knows I want to see that. I LOVE packages. Striker talks about being a teacher as I turn the volume back on. Does that mean Striker is gonna have sex with children? Is he Bipolar? Watch the news all you fucks looking at me wierd. Striker kicks Chris alot, then locks in some sort of a mounted armbar/headlock thingy that I don't know what it is. Chris powers out, goes to teh ropes, hits one clothesline, two clotheslines, then hits the flying shin kick that I used to do! HE STOLE IT! FUCK VENEZUELA!!! Striker hits a front face slam on Chris and then a flipping Famouser for the three count. If Matt Striker keeps beating on guys who steal my moves, he's ok in my book.

Why haven't I been swearing more?

WOULDN'T BE HEAT WITHOUT A RECAP.

AH! Now I'll be swearing more. Out first is IF I WAS A MARVEL CHARACTER I WOULD BE TOAD, CAUSE I'M FRENCH AND JOB TO THE BLOB is Rob Conway. Way too much thought was put into that nickname. His opponent is A ONE TON, ONE MOVE, ONE MOHWAK PURPLE PEOPLE EATER, and he is Viscera. They show women in the fucking arena fucking cheering fucking Viscera and his fat fucking ass. FUCK you women. Fuck you right in the ear. If I could punch these women in the fucking ovaries, I'd do it. God sweet damn. Finally, that angry HEAT recapper is back at the keyboard. Jesus... a girl in the crowd as a "Cena, I'm Legal!" sign. Way to be non-chalant there, hoe bag. Conway puts some punchery on Vis, but it does not good cause he's a fat fuck, and just scoop slams Conway while thinking of a few scoops of ice cream. Both men outside, and Viscera shoots Conway to the steel post. Viscera charges Conway cause he thinks Conway has a twinkie, but he doesn't, so Viscera eats the steel post instead. Both men back in the ring. Conway hits an elbow drop from the second rope, which worked so well he hits 132 more of them in a row, and covers for a fucking one count. Conway puts the boots to Viscera, who lays on the mat and looks up at teh sky wishing it would rain gumdrops and milkshakes. Conway walks away and goes "Just look at me!" Viscera is up and knocks Conway down, but Conway is all "Dude! I'm quick!" and runs to the ropes and hits a flying forearm to take Viscera back down. Viscera back up as Conway goes to the second rope, jumps off and Viscera grabs him for a Samoan drop. Viscera does some fucking hip thrust to the delight of the crowd. I vomit. Viscera hits a big splash in the corner, then gyrates above Conway, goes to the ropes, hits a big splash, gives Conway a wedgie and fucking humps him on the ass. Viscera then grabs Conway and hits a double handed chokeslam for the three count. And the fucking crowd fucking cheers the fucking fat... Fuck,.. fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I fucking hate Viscera. Did I ever put him on my fucking list? I should. God fucking damnit.

THIS IS THE MAIN EVENTAH

It wouldn't be a main event without a Triple H segment. We get a video package of HHH and Cena doing crappy things back and forth that I don't care about.

Out first is IT WASN'T MY.. WAIT, WHERE'S SNITSKY? is Tyson Tomko. His opponent is I'M GLAD MY CAREER TOOK OFF BY GOING BACK TO BEING CHAVO is Chavo Guerrero. Tomko is all punchery out of the gate, putting it to Chavo. Eddie chants start out as Tyson dumps Chavo over the ropes, cause he hated Eddie too. Quick! Everyone write hate mail! Tyson goes outside and puts Chavo back in the ring, cause he forgot where it was. Chavo to the ropes, ducks a big boot but gets kicked anyway from Tomko, who hits a military press for a two count. Tomko is a very ugly man. I just noticed that. Tomko chokes Chavo out on the ropes, then smacks him around a little in the corner, shoots him to the other corner and misses the charge. Chavo floats over, but Tomko is able a tilt a whirl slam for a two count. Tomko then chokes out Chavo for 2 hours, until the Eddie chants are so loud, they wake up my neighbors a week after the show was on the air. Tomko picks up Chavo and shoots him to the corner, but eats an elbow on the charge. Chavo hits a dropkick and some chops, then shoots Tomko to the ropes and hits a flying elbow for a two count. Chavo shoots Tomko to the ropes again, counters a backdrop, and hits the Three Amigos... no wait! He only gets two of them, because Tomko counters with a charge in the corner. Tomko picks Chavo up for a slam, but Chavo counters with a tornado DDT, then goes to the top rope, jumps off for the Frog Splash and that gets him the three count. And the villagers rejoice.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I hate Viscera. I'll do Velocity on Friday Afternoon so I can do the new HEAT right after it.