9/30/2005 HEAT REBEAK
Huh.. I wonder what time they posted HEAT on the site tonight? Wouldn't it make more sense to put it up after Smackdown? Cause... I'm neglecting Smackdown to watch HEAT... Which... is obviously kind of stupid now that I think about it.
TECH CHECK: Alright. Everything here is set. And I kind of like this, because I can pause HEAT to watch Smackdown, which is also playing on TV. This is either kind of cool, or kind of sad, depending on your viewpoints. If that is the case, send all flaming e-mails to email@example.com. That is where I roll. Cause I'm round.
PRE-HEAT: Four matches is a good format for the weekend shows, and I really hope they stick to that. It also occured to me that this is pretty much the end of the pre-PPV HEAT, where there really aren't any matches. I hate the Marvel Nemesis commercial. I wonder if HEAT will have commercials? Of course it will... It had better.
HEAT KICKOFF: I like the music. Makes me sleepy. Even though I slept most of the evening away.
WARRIOR THINKS IM BLACK and WARRIOR THINKS IM QUEER are your announcers. Coach and Todd Grisham. TOMKO, YOU REARRY HAVE A BIG BOOT vs. THE KICKIN GOAT is Tajiri and Tomko. Tajiri is out first. Tomko's video still says Problem Solver. Does that even make sense with his gimmick anymore? He's pretty much just been kicking people in the face. Grisham pimps the move to USA. Tomko and Tajiri lock up, Tomko throws Tajiri on his ass, but he gets up and kicks Tomko for a weak EC DUB chant. Tomko military presses Tajiri and then fallaway slams him. Grisham calls it a Samoan drop. Fuck you Grisham. Coach goes on and on about WWE Homecoming, where there will be about 5 hours of WWE wrestling on. There's some pre-show on WWE.com before the show, then 3 hours of RAW, then that Best of RAW on USA special, and then the replay of TNA Impact on Spike... 6 hours of wrestling. Wowza. Coach calling Tomko "T-Squared" as Tomko has Tajiri in the ninja chokeout. Tajiri somehow gets Tomko's leg and leg draps him over, then drop kicks him down. They dance around, and after the music stops, Tajiri lays out Tomko with a kick to the face for 2. To the turnbuckle, Tajiri attempts a Tornando DDT, but Tomko toss him off. Tajiri kicks him alot, and gets whipped to the ropes. Tajiri attempting the springboard handspring elbow, but Tomko boots him in the back of the head. That move actually looks kind of dangerous, cause Tomko could fuck that up pretty easy. It's enough to get the three, and Tomko limps around screaming and... then the show stops? WTF? OH! They made it easier to download, but putting each match in it's own download. That's kind of nice. You only have to get five minutes of show instead of waiting forever for the whole show. If your computer isn't as pimp as mine. Suck it bitches.
2ND EL MATCHO
I USED TO SWING BUT NOW I SPEND MY FRIDAYS PLAYING PAR(ch)ISI vs. I WILL EITHER GET FIRED OR PUSHED BECAUSE OF TODD GRISHAM. They are Jonny Parisi and Matt Striker. Grisham and Coach talk about Striker's Byte This shenanigans, where he impersonated a bunch of wrestlers. His impersonation of Warrior was alot funnier until they edited most of it out. All of this distracts me from Striker and Parisi trading rest holds, until Striker flips Parisi over and covers with his toes. Seriously. It gets 2 two counts. Parisi floats back over for a cover on Stiker as well. Both men are up and whipping each other around. Where is Shaniqua? Parisi in control with lots of the horrible kicking, and then the knee smash that every wrestler gets in Nintendo 64s No Mercy. Striker keeps attempting to get up, but Parisi is all over that leg, basically working it the entire match. He may have switched legs... I lost track. Screw this, I'm jonesing more for Velocity after seeing a picture of Regal's head. Benoit fucked him up, gangsta style. See what I mean?
Hey, I just noticed that it says that HEAT and Velocity are now only available for download in the US. HA HA! Take THAT foreigners! You Canadians too! Hey, I haven't seen a single commercial yet. WTF. Parisi is still showing good ring psychology that puts most of the wrestling fan bas to sleep. Striker rolls over, pulling Parisi into the turnbuckle. Parisi misses an elbow drop, and shows he's a fucking retard by missing a second one. Cause, it always works the second time in wrestling. Parisi is able to get two pinning combos for two. Parisi declares "this is it!" Does that mean this match is over... cause... Jesus. Parisi is right as Striker rolls him up after ANOTHER knee smash attempt for the three count. How in the hell was that going to finish him? Isn't the idea of working over his knee so you can make him tap out? How does a hurt knee make you not kick out? Shenanigans.
3RD LA MATCHARIA
I don't know what language I was attempting to make fun of there. French maybe? We get a WWE rewind of Matt pushing Edge off the ladder, and out comes I WILL NOT DIE, BUT MY CAREER JUST MIGHT. Matt Hardy is out against... JOBBER MCJOBBINGTON. Russell Simpson. Ashley Simpson's wierd cousin. He saw her boobs when they were both 14. He wasn't impressed at the time. Simpson with a rear lock, which Matt snapmares him to the mat with. Matt with a headlock as Simpson forces him to a knee, which Matt just stands back up and schoolboys him for a two count with. Simpson with his own schoolboy for two, so Hardy just fucking punches him in the face, cause he refuses to die in school. Hardy whips Simpson to the ropes, scoopslam for an elbow drop, but Russell rolls out of the way, for some punchery and another whip. Simpson attempts to dump Hardy, but Hadry duumps him instead. Hardy waits as Simpson gets up, and Hardy reaches for the ropes like an idiot to grab his head, which he gets a... shit.. I forgot the name where they snap your head on the ropes... this is gonna bug me. Not really. Russell back in control. Ha ha... I typed Complain at first. I have no idea why. Hardy is down. Russell to the top turnbuckle, and HA HA! He goes for Matt's leg drop with the yell and everything. It misses, and gets some boos. I wish it was boobs. Matt with his capture bulldog after he punches Simpson a few times. It gets a two count. This jobber is getting alot of offense. Hardy gets that half nelson slam... that might have a name. Grisham doesn't know what it is either. Twist of Fate gets the three count. Isn't Russell Simpson a black man who produces records? I'm not that interested to go find out...
We are back with Coachman and Grisham going over what happened on RAW. They don't get nicknames twice. We go to Carlito and Masters worried about splinters. I'm worried about Masterplans. Does that mean that Carlito is part Green Lantern? Didn't the original have a weakness to wood? Or was that Val Venis... one or the other. Recap of the main event tables match with Angle interfering, and Bischoff holding the belt. Worst... music... ever. Now we get to our Main Event...
WE ARE MORE ENTERTAINING THEN MIDGES, BUT WE'LL PROBABLY GET JOBBED HERE ANYWAY vs. I AM NOT IMMUNE TO WOOD and I GET WOOD AT MCDONALDS. The Hearthrobs Vs. Hurricane and Rosey. HA HA! Romeo counts how many abs he has. We get six. We get the recap of Hurricane and Rosey jobbing out left and right to Murdoch and Cade. There is discussion about who is going to start. Looks like Rosey wins cause he's the fatty. Romeo also in. Rosey chant. They love Rosey O'Donnell in that crowd, yessir. Circling and Romeo gets a headlock on Rosey. Rosey picks him up and just tosses him... sort of in backdrop suplex fashion. Romeo back at Rosey, who throws him again. Grisham "Rosey is having his way with Romeo." Don't tell Juliet. HA! Rosey grabs Romeo's boots and attempts to yank him out of the corner, but Romeo lands on his feet, yells "AHA!" and Rosey just shitkicks him back into the corner. Rosey with the Rikishi Ass charge. Antonio in, and Rosey tosses him back out. This is a table for TWO sir. Romeo hits a jawbreaker to get the tag to Antonio. Antonio with a few punches, then clotheslined down. Rosey hits a delayed scoop slam. Goes to the ropes where Romeo kicks him in the back, then hits that head whip on the ropes that I can't remember the name too. Romeo tags back in, and double team Russian Leg Sweep. Communist Pigs. Romeo hits the only successful elbow drop all night for a two count. He tags in Antonio for a double team neck breaker. Antonio with mounted punches on Rosey.... tee hee. Antonio with the ninja chokeout rest hold to let fatty catch his breath. Rosey stands up. Romeo attempts a clothesline, but misses and clotheslines Antonio instead. Hurricane should get the tag here... and he does. Hurricane clears house. Hurricane to the top turnbuckle. Grisham: "The Hurricane is stalking his prey" Just like in the Gulf Coast. I'm horrible. I lost track up until now, but it was Antonio in the ring up until now. Hurricane hits a flying crossbody for a two count. Hurricane breaks it to avoid getting hit by Romeo. Rosey in as everyone goes to opposite corners. Antonio and Rosey whipped into each other. Brothers gotta hug. Romeo dumped, but he is able to trip Hurricane as he goes to the ropes. If only Romeo was in New Orleans... I'm going to hell. Rosey over to Romeo, as Antonio shoves him through the ropes to the outside, after greasing them up with 14 pounds of butter first. Zing. Antonio covers Hurricane with his foot on the ropes for the three count? Holy shit! Way to go kids. The fans boo as the first CyberHEAT is ovah!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not too bad. Striker and Parisi were kind of boring, but oh well. Hopefully Velocity comes online tomorrow so I can do it before I go to Kareokee. Although.. maybe a drunk recap would be better? I'll test that out one day. I was also pleasently pleased that they didn't air any commercials in the shows, like TNA Impact did. And parlaying it into smaller bits was a pretty good idea too. I liked that. And there's a 56K Version, so it must make it alot easier for the guys with Dial-up to watch. So thoughtful, they are.