10/9/2005 HEAT REBEAK





FUCKING BEARS: Fucking Bears. When Cleveland scored at 2:40 left in the game, I tell the guys that are over at my place watching the game that it's over. My buddy Jason says "It's not over, they could still pull it out." Literally AS he says that, the Bears fumble for the recovery by the Browns. Way to go guys. And then as the double smack in my face, the Yankees won last night. Fuck everything.

PRE-HEAT: I still have no idea why in the hell I capitolize HEAT but not Velocity. Oh well. I would have had this up last night, but I missed the live feed, and I didn't have it on the WWE site like this until today that I saw. Hey, and HEAT remains the smarter cousin of Velocity, cause it actually advertises ON THE SITE which match is the Main Event. And... it's in the opposite order of Velocity. Again. I give up. Eugene and Evad Sullivan must be running the Velocity feed or something.

OPENING MATCH PROMO RECAP

Oh yeah, this is before the PPV. So I get more Velocity wrestlers? Fucky A! Cool. Now I don't have to go through a Parisi match. But... I do have to rebeak a recap. And if THAT don't confuse you noobs, I don't know what does. Only Velocity gets the multiple languages. I teach over there. Here on HEAT, I do it RAW. We open up with a live shot of the people waiting to get in and ME AND THE ROM ARE TAKING OVAH! Josh Matthews and Steve Romero pulling double duty this weekend as they run down the eight matches on the PPV that is tonight, but in actuallity was LAST night, cause this is getting done on a Monday morning. Shades of Frankie Kazarian and his time machine. I like the animated match promo pics rather then the stills. Orton is gonna bury the Undertaker once and for all. Cause that's worked before. JBL is all racist. Rey: "I'm gonna give JBL a Texas asswhoppin" JBL: "Boo!" It isn't Halloween yet. I love how JBL is all racist to Rey, but sits down with Eddie and whispers with him. And you know Eddie is all "Yeah, I hate those wetbacks" in his ear too. We go from the press conference to a commercial for the PPV tonight, just in case we forgot. Mark my words. One day, WWE will put almost everything on that internet. It might take another ten years, but it'll happen.

"IS THIS SECOND THING GONNA EVEN BE A MATCH?" MATCH

Ultimate Warrior DVD commercial. HA! I just noticed they show a shot of the one Warrior/HHH match. Didn't HHH get squashed? And they manage to show HHH hitting Warrior with a big right. I find that funny. We now run down the US Title match where Christian jobs, and millions of IWC nerds are pissed off. I would agree. At least Benoit retained, which is the second best thing to happen. I suppose. JBL is in the hallways of the arena with the crowd looking for Rey Mysterio. He finds... some guy holding up a stuffed Rey Teddy Bear. JBL punks the Bear out. Now JBL claims he doesn't know Spanish. I thought Rey spoke Mexican? HA! JBL pisses off the Texas crowd by saying Oklahoma. JR is somewhere backstage smiling. JBL runs down the crowd. Where's Jillian? Just wondering. She isn't needed here, but has that ever stopped the WWE from throwing a woman in a segment? JBL says size matters. But... my GF told me it didn't! SHE LIED! ARGH! JBL calls Texas Northern Mexico. JBL: "When I am ready to beat him, I will continue." Wouldn't that mean he ISN'T ready to beat him? I guess it's a good way to get the crowd fired up. Music hits and out comes ORANGE YOU GLAD TO SEE ME and YOU ALREADY USED THAT JOKE followed by WE CAN TEACH JBL SPANISH. Our main commentators Tazz, Michael Cole, and the Spanish Announce team. YOUR TABLE IS DOOMED SIR! Wrestlemania commercial.

THIRD MATCH THAT ISN'T A MATCH

You know, it would be nice if they threw... I don't know... at least TWO matches on these Pre-PPV shows. That would be nice. We run down the matches again, but this time with Tazz and Cole announcing. They threw Matthews and Romero out. Video package of the Orton/Undertaker feud. Hey, since WWE couldn't score that UFC announcer Goldberg, do you think they'd bring out Joey Styles to announce in JR's place? Why not. He's under contract with them, so use him. And he'd be a good play by play guy, and the fans know who he is. I think you bring anyone else in, and you're gonna be heel heavy at the table. I am not rebeaking the rest of this Orton crap, cause I hate him. And it looks like it's just a small package anyway. The video, not Orton. Or... IS IT? Zing. Wait! Actual stuff! Matthews is interviewing THE YOUNGEST WORLD LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPION... DOWNSTAIRS getting a neck rub from I TOUCH MY BOYS... AND RANDY. Randy and Bob Orton. Randy: "Sometimes when you play with fire, you get burned." Duh... Ask Kane. Orton wants to put a nail in a coffin. What kind of club only lets you in if you are wearing WWE apparel? Didn't The World close? Another commercial of Eddy/Batista.

YOUR MAIN EVENT THAT IS ACTUALLY A MATCH

I watched all that crap for this... and I could have just clicked on it first. FRIENDS DON'T SHAKE.... FRIENDS RUN LIKE RETARDS TO THE RING are Brian Kendrick and Paul London. Sporting their new No Mercy t-shirts. Look at the perks of being back in the WWE Kendrick! You can wear clothes again! Out next is MY ROBE FLOWS LIKE THE BLOOD OUT OF YOUR HEAD with RED AND PLENTIFUL. William Regal and Paul Burchill. Too many Pauls in the ring. Regal and London start out. Typical headlock and jumpy leapfrog for Regal to get a headlock on London and a tag. London flips over Burchill for the tag to Kendrick. Double team arm drag flip on Burchill. Double team kick for a two count. Kendrick puts on the headlock on Burchill. Burchill attempts a back body drop, but Kendrick lands on his feet and hits a dropkick. Kendrick charges to the corner. Burchill dumps him to the apron, forearm by Kendrick. Burchill looks for his contact lense while Regal tosses Kendrick off the turnbuckle. London comes over to check on him, offering him words of encouragement like "Come on" and "You can do it." Kendrick rolls back in to get double teamed by Regal and Burchill after the tag. Regal locks in a high headlock as Kendrick attempts to make a tag, but Regal just fucking half nelson release suplexes him back. You can do it! Tag to Burchill, who backdrop suplexes Kendrick for a two count. Burchill tags out to Regal, who puts in another headlock and blocks Kendrick from getting to London. Almost gets there, and Regal just kicks London's hand. Regal whips Kendrick to the ropes, but Kendrick hits the slowest headscissors ever, but it looks very pretty. Kendrick gets the hot tag to London. London with a slingshot kick to Regal. Hurcanarana to Burchil. Dropsault to Regal for a two count broken up by Burchill. London with mounted punching on Regal in the corner so the crowd can practice their numbers. Double dropsault by Kendrick and London on Regal. Burchill pulls Kendirck out, and attempts a double team to London. London jumps off the turnbuckle attempting a moonsault, but the Brits catch him. London takes out Regal somehow, but Burchill picks London up going all "No you Dinnah!" and hits a shoulderbreaker, which... may be his finisher. Kendrick is awake finally, crossbodying both Burchill and himself out of the ring, allowing Regal to lock in the Regal Strech for the submission win on London. Eat THAT Pacman! We spend the next few minutes running down the No Mercy card... AGAIN. Last shot is of Eddie and Batista looking at each other all lovingly. So sweet.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I hate Pre-PPV shows. No meat. No potatoes. Mostly spinach with some occasional corn. Hiyuck...