10/14/2005 HEAT REBEAK
BLOGGIN IT UP: Nothing of any consequence this week. Although, I have a lead on the single best job ever. Model Train salesman. If I get that... free cookies for EVERYONE.
CIVILIZATIONS: The Mongolians have felt the wrath of the mighty Norwegian hordes, as we nuked half their country off the map, and just waltzed in. Now, it's me and the Koreans. And hopefully by the time Velocity hits... I'll have my Integrated Defense system done and will be able to nuke without fear of reprisal. SCREW YOU KOREANS!!! BWA HA HA!
PRE-HEAT: Finally... they tell me the main event. Actually, if it was Snitsky/Parisi I might have just stopped doing this altogether. And I keep sneezing. I'm allergic to Snitsky. Or his matches. Either or. I like the HEAT video better then the Smackdown one.
THAT MATCH THAT CAME FIRST, AND YET LET ME DOWN SO SOON
IT IS IN FACT MY FAULT THAT TRIPLE B IS SNEEZING is out first. Mr. Gene Snitsky is all growly, if that is even a word. WASN'T PARISI SQUARES SOME BAD-ASS STAR TREK GAME? is Johnny Parisi. Coach doesn't think Parisi is worried about Snitsky. He doesn't like his shoes, so he's safe. Snitsky Pearl Harbors Parisi in the beginning, knocks him down and hits a few elbows for a two count. Parisi is a second generation superstar? Apparently his uncle was a WWE Tag-Team Champion. THANKS FOR NOT TELLING ME WHO JACKASS! Snitsky hits a stalling forward suplex on the ropes, then shows me his toungue, cause I'm not grossed out enough by his backne. Snitsky rolls Parisi back in and kicks him for a one count. Snitsky locks in an arm-wringer and tells someone to shut up. It might have been my dog. Parisi is able to break the hold and goes to the ropes, but Snitsky catches him and hits a fallaway slam. Wait... did Snitsky use more then one wrestling move in this match? Ah... there's my Gene. Parisi down in the corner as Snitsky lays in the boots. Snitsky picks him up and shoots Parisi to the opposite turnbuckle, misses the charge and is rolled up for a two count. Parisi jumps on Snistky's back for a sleeper, but Snitksy snapmares him to the mat, then boots his head off. Snitsky picks him up and hits... is that his finisher? Some sort of spinning sidewalk slam will get him the three count. Who is announcing with Coach? I can't remember his name, and they never got introduced... I have been robbed of my nicknames. I DEMAND INTRODUCTIONS!
This... is NOT getting any better. WWE Rewind shows the entire Women's Division in a wrasslin match. Which leads us to our next match...
SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST
I COMBINE SEX AND FOOD BETTER THEN GEORGE is Viscera. He faces WHY IS THAT LARGE MAN WEARING HIS JAMMIES? is Jason Battes here to job out at this time. I hope this will be a quick match, as I fucking hate Viscera reguardless if he's trying to eat nachos or Lillian Garcia. Battes: "Who's the best!" Coach: "Not you!" Me: "Not Viscera!" Battes runs around Viscera, and gets him in the corner with a few punches. Battes then stupidly puts in a headlock, which gets himself a backdrop suplex from Viscera. Viscera also hits a scoop-slam, then puts Battes in the tree of woe. Viscera with the Fat Splash in the corner. Why does the crowd pop for that? Viscera with an elbow drop. Viscera attempts a suplex, but Battes flips out, gets some punchery and goes to the ropes. Viscera takes him down with the rolling heal kick. Viscera decideds to gyrate much to apparently two hot blonde's delight in the front row. Further showing me that the majority of women are stupid. Viscera then dry humps the poor man, goes to the ropes for the splash for the three count. Thankfully, it was short.
Hmm.... commercials. Eh, it was only a matter of time. The first weeks where there were none was too good to be true.
THE GAYEST THIRD MATCH EVER... TONIGHT
IT'S THE HEART THROB LIFE.. FOR US is Romeo and Antonio. That nickname is funnier when said while humming Hard Knock Life. Out next is CATAGORY 5 JOBBERS. Hurricane and Rosey. And out last because tradition is ALIVE tonight is APPARENTLY I'M AN ALCHOHOLIC and HAVE YOU SEEN MY MURDOCH, WHERE IS MY MURDOCH. is Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, your Tag-Team champions. The entire RAW tag division is in the ring. I don't count Viscera and Venis. They have yet to send me the entry fee. To Coach's credit, he spent a minute attempting to justify why our Tag Champs haven't done anything for a few weeks. Apparently Murdoch has been drunk for 3 weeks, and Cade has been looking for him. How many bars could there BE in Texas? Don't answer that.
I guess this is for the belts. My money is on Romeo getting pinned. Hurricane and Antonio start out. Antonio in control with punchery, but Hurricane turns it around with a dropkick. Hurricane punks out Romeo, drop kicks Atonio again, and tags in Rosey. Rosey chant starts up. WTF? Rosey shoots Atonio... ah shit. Apparently I got the two of them mixed up. Romeo was in the whole time. So NOW Antonio is in. He tries to tag one of the tag champs in, but they both bail. Rosey with a headbutt and a Samoan drop for two. Cade and Murdock make the save. Both Heart Throbs in to eat some sort of... head... toss? From Rosey. Hearthrobs take over and dump Rosey to the outside. Murdcoch tags himself in and cheap shots Hurricane. Has Rosey lost weight? Cade rolls Rosey back in and Murdoch drops bunches O' elbows on him, then mounted punches him for a two count. Then another two count. Then a third two count. That's a six count almost. Cade tagged in, double team spinebuster on Rosey for a two count. Cade locks in a front facelock as more Rosey chants go out. Rosey attempts to muscle his way to Hurricane, but his biggest muscle wants a chilli dog. Cade continues to hit some forearms. Rosey almost gets free, but Murdoch jumps in and hits Rosey. Hurricane takes this to hit a double ax-handle drop on Cade, breaking it up. Rosey all over the place, makes the hot tag to Hurricane. Hurricane kncoks Murdoch down, then hits a headscissors on Cade. Hurricane and Murdoch lock up and dance with each other. Hurricane with a drop kick on Murdoch. Hurricane attempting a neckbreaker on Cade from the top turnbuckle, but he misses. Double team clothesline on Hurricane for the three count. Romeo in the ring, and eats a clothesline as well. Hey, that finisher is called the Sweet and Sour. Thanks Coach. Murdoch beatdown on Antonio, ending in a DDT. Please don't tell me that this means that Val and Vis are the #1 Contenders cause they didn't get their asses handed to them... please God.... Please? Sir? Are you there God? It's me.. Brad.
Goddamnit. Wouldn't you think that your fanbase that is on the internet probably KNOWS what happened on RAW? What's the point of a recap? It's all the JR getting Fired crap. Luckily, this allows me to fast forward. Linda can't even say "You're fired" right.
NOW... YOUR MAIN EVENTAH
Out first is IT AIN'T EASY BEING WHITER THEN MY MAN-SERVANT is Kerwin White and his caddy. Ha ha! Kerwin won't even let the poor guy ride in his golf cart with him. I HAVE A TON OF SHELLS IN MY BASEMENT AT HOME. Shelton Benjamin. Shelton has a mic "Yo yo yo. I finally figured out why you have this so called caddy for. It's not to help with your golf game. It's to hit people in the back." Now tell Kerwin that he isn't really white, Captain Obvious. "I talked to your girlfriend. And she told me that the problem with YOUR golf game, is that you're playing witha little putter." Kerwin salvages it by pointing to his clubs all goofily. Kerwin hands his sweater to his caddy, and attacks. Kerwin with an arm wringer and some elbows to the shoulder. Shelton flips off the ropes to break the hold. Arm drag sends Kerwin across the ring. Kerwin to the ropes. Shelton goes for a sidewalk slam, but Kerwin rotates around for a body scissors. Shades of Mysterio. Kerwin reverses it into a backdrop suplex. Kerwin baits Shelton in and grabs the trunks, slamming him head first to the turnbuckle. The Caddy cheap shots Shelton as Kerwin exchanges recipes with the ref. Kerwin in control, and the shirt is off! Kerwin with some uppercuts and then with a takedown locks in the ninja chokeout. Shelton elbows his way out. Kerwin to the ropes. Kerwin attempts a headscissors, but Shelton just keeps running in circles with Kerwin still holding on, looking to reverse it, but Kerwin pulls it off. That was pretty sweet. Shelton in the corner, and starts fighting his way out. Kerwin to the ropes, Shelton hits a clothesline. Shelton attempts to whip Kerwin to the corner, reversal and Shelton hits a springboard cross-body on Kerwein. Shelton attempts... something, but Kerwin flips out and goes to the ropes. Shelton tosses Kerwin 20 feet in the air for a pancake. Shelton knocks The Caddy (I refuse to refer to him by name) off the apron and hits the T-Bone, but the Caddy breaks the count, drawing the DQ. Kerwin and Caddy wait for Shelton to get up to hit him with a golf club but... Matt Striker comes out for the save? Huh? Coach: "Striker wasn't a golf teacher!" And that's all she wrote.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Despite the fact that half the matches involved Viscera, Parisi and Snitsky, the tag match and main event made up for it. Not too bad. I'm dismayed by the influx of MORE commercials and recaps each week. But I guess oh well...