10/22/2005 HEAT REBEAK
BLOGGIN IT UP: So I go to get gas this weekend. I put $39 in the tank. I walk in the gas station, ask for and additional $1 in Lotto Tickets, and hand the man two $20 bills. He hands me the Lotto ticket and BACK my two twenties.... So... I said thanks and made a hasty retreat. Either I got free gas, or there is a warrant out for my arrest.
CIVILIZATIONS: I have never destroyed every other country to dominate the planet, cause I always got bored with it and started a new game. I finally killed off the Koreans last week, and discovered what happens when you DO destroy everyone. Nothing. The game continues. Shouldn't I at LEAST get a fucking parade?
PRE-HEAT: Shane got it right... all the matches in the right place. I might have to get rid of the PRE-HEAT section. I have nothing to bitch about. Wait... the World Tag-Team Champions are curtain jerking HEAT? WTF?
THAT MATCH THAT CAME FIRST, AND YET LET ME DOWN SO SOON
511 POUNDS OF HOSS is your Tag Champs, Cade and Murdoch. Recap of Venis and Vis not winning the belts a few weeks ago. Remember when I got pissed off saying that the tag match a week or two ago now made these guys your #1 Contenders? Yep. Looks like I was right. Fucky A. 1511 POUNDS OF V GRADE CRAP is Val Venis and Viscera. Cade and Val to start out. Shit... that means Vis is gonna get the hot tag. Eh. At least he won't be in the ring that much. (Crosses fingers) Lock up goes back to the ropes for the break. Val gets uppity, and then decides to get the crowd to clap as Vis does something that fat black men do in the corner. I'll allow your imaginations to figure out what that is. Cade in control with some kicks and punches in the corner, but Val powers out and chops himself some Cade. Cade shoots Val to the corner, but eats a shoulder with teh charge. Val up top, but Murdoch knocks him off for the crotching, and gets a two count. Val outside as Murdoch works him over and rolls him in for Cade to cover for a no count. Tag to Murdcoch with a double team back body drop on Val. Shot of Viscera doing his "Hercules! Hercules!" impression in the corner. Tag back to Cade as he works over Val. Val shot to the ropes, Cade telegraphs the body drop, so Val kicks him in the face and both men do the sleepy spot. Val over for the hot tag to Vis, who cleans house. He loves to clean out Gingerbread houses. Viscera hits a whip and back body drop on Cade. Same to Murdoch, but he almost drops Murdoch on his head. Your tag champs in the corner together. Vis goes for the splash, but Murdoch moves, Cade hits the boot to Vis' head, and Murdoch goes for a huge running neckbreaker on Vis, but Vis hits a side slam. Val knocks Cade down, crotches him on the turnbuckle, then goes up top and hits the Money Shot on Murdoch for the three count. Thankfully it was non-title, but seriously... what... the... FUCK. You can't push a slightly BETTER team besides Val Fucking Venis and Viscera? What about the fucking Hearthrobs? What about the... the... Hurricane and Rosey broke up... there's another tag team. I know it... I just can't think of them right now. Goddamnit all.
THIS SECOND MATCH WILL PROBABLY NOT MAKE ME ANY HAPPIER
Oh man, and I am SO right with THAT title, cause I just saw who is wresting. Please be a two minute match, tops. Out first is IT WASN'T MY FAULT THAT TRIPLE B WAS PISSED OFF... BUT I WON'T MAKE IT BETTER is Gene Snitsky. Out next is MY THEME MUSIC MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE is Rosey. So Hurricane turns on Rosey, so Rosey keeps the "Stand Back, there's a Hurricane coming through" music? WTF? You couldn't have done a voice over of "Stand back, there's a fat man coming through!" or something? Sigh. I miss Mighty Molly sort of. They circle and lock up. Rosey with a headlock, but Snitsky whips him to the ropes. Shoulderblock no sold by Snitsky. Punchery and another whip, and Rosey falls THROUGH the ropes. Cheese and Rice... More punchery outside, Snitsky whips Rosey to the turnbuckle post outside. Maybe I can just cut and paste those last two sentances over and over? Snitsky doesn't let me, cause he hits two elbow drops back in the ring for a two count. Snitsky with a rest hold. Seriously, why is the Wrestlecrap board liking this guy? He's only entertaining when he ISN'T wrestling a match. I think he should be the special ring enforcer or something for hte Junior matches. Snitsky punting a midget ten feet would make you all laugh. This... not so much. Rosey has powered out. More punchery. Snitsky shoots Rosey to the ropes, but Rosey kicks him in the face and hits a clothesline. And another. Rosey picks up Snitsky for a Samoan Drop. Rosey to the ropes for a springboard moonsault, but it misses. Snitsky hits the running boot for the three count. That match was better then it should have been. Mostly cause it was short, and Rosey did a moonsault. My negativity was unwarranted. I apologize.... to myself. That's all. The rest of you get bent.
Ultimate Warrior commercial.
I WILL BE MORE POSITIVE ABOUT THE THIRD MATCH
But not yet. Recap of Austin driving his truck and almost hitting people with it.
JUST LOOK AT ME, AND SING ALONG WITH ME! is Rob Conway. Anyone else notice that he sings his ring entrance? Hey, he got a promo from the back, and we show it! Wait, Conway is wrestling Greg "The Hammer" Valentine? Yes he is, cause... APPARENTLY THE REST OF THE "LEGENDS" WERE BUSY is here. The fans cheer him. Fuck you fans, you probably never even saw his matches. Half of you weren't even alive. Hammer is slow to take off his rope to show his love handles and pretty hair. Greg dances and eats some punches from Conway. Greg tosses him in the corner, hits a few hand chops on the chest and head tosses him in the middle of the ring, then tosses Conway outside. Valentine grabs Conway back on the apron, and hits a forearm to the chest. Conway sells it, but pulls Greg outside and tosses him into the ringpost. Hey, maybe Conway can take on IRS next? Then how about he beats down The Repo Man. Those guys are legends too... Right? RIGHT???? Conway misses a dropkick back in the ring, and Valentine hits an elbow drop. Greg grabs the leg and hits the headbutt to the midsection, grabs the leg, and goes for a figure four, but Conway kicks him off, grabs the trunks and punches him for 45 seconds straight. Some more slaps, and then Eugene comes out for a DQ finish. Conway still wins, but Valentine couldn't have at LEAST fucking got pinned, and THEN Eugene comes out? Sigh... Eugene tries to mark out with Valentine, but Valentine wants none of it and shoves Eugene down. Eugene cries. Seriously. Play Valentine's music, cause he's the new winner.
Diva Magazine ad. Call me when Stacy, Victoria, or Trish poses in Playboy. Then I'll care. Who gives a fuck if Candice Michelle is in Playboy. I've seen her in a threesome on Skinamax.
NOW... YOUR MAIN EVENTAH
This, so far, is the single worst weekend show I've recapped. Maybe this will make me feel better. Out first is I STILL DON'T LET MY BOY RIDE IN THE CART WITH MY BALLS is Kerwin White. I guess this is a tag match. AHA! Nick Namath is the caddy's name. I finally figured it out. Recap of Striker interfering last week for no reason. Out next is BENJAMIN STRIKER IS A GOOD PORN NAME. Shelton Benjamin and Matt Striker, you idiots. I love it when Kerwin hangs up his vest before the match. That's great. Nick and Striker to start out. Nick has not taken off his caddy bib? Huh... They continue to circle, and Nick kicks him. Punchery. Striker hits a armdrag takedown as "Chavo" chants ensue. Nick continues to wretch the arm, but Matt flips over and takes control. Tag to Shelton. Striker hits a drop toe kick, and Shelton hits a leg drop. Nick lost his bib somewhere in that, tag to Kerwin. Kerwin reverses a whip to Shelton, and Nick hits the knee to Shelton's back. Kerwin argues with the crowd about his name, and he takes off his shirt. I pause to go take out my laundry. And I'm back as Kerwin also stops pausing to hit a drop toe and tag to Nick. Nick hits his punchery and tags back in Kerwin. A third "Chavo" chant. Shelton shoots Kerwin to the ropes, but Kerwin hits that sweet headscissors. Tag to Nick. Shelton reverses the double team suplex to hit a neckbreaker. Attempts the tag to Striker, but Striker walks away. So fan in front row "What are you doing?" He's walking away. Kerwin hits a DDT on Shelton for a two count. Nick is in, and they double team Shelton. Shelton hits a clothesline on Nick and back body drop on Kerwin. Still able to keep the heels off, as he hits a huge flapjack to Kerwin. Huge Dragon kick to Nick. Shelton up top, hits a huge clothesline on Kerwin. Nick on the apron. Shelton knocks him away. The ref gets rid of the golf club which got in the ring somehow, and the heels hit a double team electric chair drop on Shelton for the three count and the win.
FINAL THOUGHTS: So... if Striker was gonna turn on Shelton, why did he even help him last week? Oh well... at least the match was good. I feel complete, now that I've finally finished this. I did this report and 3/4 of the Velocity recap faster then I did the first Velocity match. So sad...