10/28/2007 HEAT REBEAK



ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF Man. I haven't done these in a long time. Why? Two reasons. One, I don't really WATCH wrestling anymore. Two, WWE hates me. For some reason, HEAT does not load on my old computer, or my new computer. However, I found a neat little site called Daily Motion. And the joys of pirated video is had by all. I typically put in some sort of a small rant here. When I did HEAT and Velocity, I detested HEAT and loved Velocity. So, I would post at the beginning of each recap a list of things I hated on HEAT, and a list of things I loved on Velocity. I won't be doing that. Let's see if I can even finish this first. However...

WHY AM I DOING THIS?:

Recently, I was suring the tubes on the interweb, and I came across something. On YouTube, people argue back and forth via video about how much WWE/TNA/ROH/My Mother sucks. They get into pretty heated debates. In video form. Well, I have a webcam. I have a computer. I have a microphone somewhere. But I started to think to myself... do these promotions really suck? I have heard TNA guys say that WWE is old and predictable. I've heard WWE guys say that TNA is no-name hacks and crappy angles. I've heard...well... most anyone who comments about ROH that I've seen loves it. So... I figured I would take a look. I'm going to see if I can get in the mood here first, by recapping HEAT. If I can get through it (and I can find it) I'll take a look at the most recent RAW, Smackdown, Impact, and ROH show (I believe ROH is all taped and DVDs, so it won't be a TV adventure). My exposure to ROH is watching a little on the internet, mostly trying to find a video of The Briscos swearing alot, but I never found the clip I was looking for.

I blame you.

Let's get to this. Last I watched these shows, both were online. Velocity is now gone, but HEAT remains. They used to have 3 matches, and then a recap segment for a total of 4 video segments. Let's see what I get this time...

MATCH THE FIRST

Jonathan Coachman and Todd Grisham are your announcers. Grisham still has a job? Out first is I LOST MY SLEEVES, BUT I ALSO LOST MY SHIRT LADIES is Benjamin Haas. Did I mention I did wierd nicknames before? His opponent is I'M SO OLD, I PUT AGE DEFYING CREAM ON MY SCTROTUM He is Val Venis. They still have his pink light, white towel, and whiter women swooning over him. His butt looks bigger than it used to. Val walks out and gives the towel to a lovely lady. She smiles, but she doesn't know how many STDs are on that thing. Val back in, and they lock up. Roll to the ropes, and to ther corner. Ref breaks it up and a stare down. Coach goes "Wait a second, talk about a staredown!" No shit, pele. Back to the lockup, side headlock by Haas, reversed to a hammerlock by Val. Val goes to a side headlock of his own. Haas shoots him to the ropes, Val with teh shoulderblock and a cover for 2. Val lays down for another side headlock for another two count. Both men back up. Haas shoots Val to the ropes and lays down. Val to the opposite ropes. Haas tries a hip toss, but Val blocks and hits one of his own. Val with an armdrag takedown, lets Haas back up and hits a headlock takedown for 2. That NEVER works! Both men back up. Haas puts Val in teh corner, and breaks it up with a couple punches. Haas shoots Val to the ropes, but Val counters and hits his holding knee to the midsection once, then again. Val with a Russian Leg-Sweep for 2. Haas back back. Val with a chop into the corner and shoots Haas to teh opposite corner, but Haas counters and both men are down. Haas back up with some kicks and punches. Ref breaks it up. Haas lets Val get to teh ropes, then chokes him on them and hits some forearms to the chest. Haas shoots Val to the corner again, then hits a belly to belly suplex for our first wrestling move by Haas of the match. It gets him a 2. Haas with a chinlock. The crowd votes rows 2-12 to cheer. Half of them do. Val gets up, elbow to the ribs, again, Val goes for a suplex but it's blocked. Haas tries to roll him up with a small package, but Val counters for his own for a 2 count. Haas hits a quick clothesline taking Val down. Val likes to go down. Ladies... Haas hits a backdrop suplex on Val, then helps him sit up. That was nice of him. Hey! He kicked Val in the back! That's NOT nice! Because we had some action, Haas now locks in headlock. I should count these. Haas lets go with some punchery and stompery. Val shoots Haas to the ropes and the two men hit heads. The ones they eat with. Not those heads, sicko. Val up first. Val with clothesline, clothesline, back elbow, clothesline in the corner, Val hits a spinning spinebuster for a 2 count. Coach "Which guy has more in the tank?" Hopefully they have gas to get to the next town. Rimshot. I missed something, and am not interested enough to rewind as Val goes for a Boston Crab, but Haas kicks him off. Val back and hits a half nelson slam, then goes up top and goes for the Money Shot, but Haas puts up a knee to counter. Haas covers, but Val grabs his leg, and whispers in his ear "I like it like THIS" and covers Haas for the three count. I'm going to recheck the date to see if this match was 2 years ago, and I clicked on something incorrectly...

They two men stare each other down post-match. FEEL THE SEXUAL TENSION!!!

MATCH THE SECOND RECAP THE SECOND.

Recap time? Nice to see they stuck to the formula. Fucking HEAT assholes. Replay of... is that Shelton Benjamin or a REALLY tan Hardcore Holly? Nope. Shelton versus Cody Rhodes. Shelton already has used more moves in the 20 seconds of his recap than the previous match had. Shelton literally just shitkicks Cody in the chest and Cody goes down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a night vision camera. I don't do play by play or recap a recap of a match. That's too many recaps. What the fuck? Cody Rhodes won? With pretty much the same stuff that Haas lost on. Haas and Shelton beat him down. How dare Cody Rhodes steal their finish? Hardcore Holly makes the save. I thought Holly was an angry old man? Why would he care about Rhodes? Everyone stares at each other. The crowd cheers. Music is played. It's Hardcore Holly's. HE'S THE NEW WINNER OF THE MATCH!!! Holly and Cody stare each other down too, and nod. MORE SEXUAL TENSION!

MATCH THE THIRD.

Oh my fucking God! Out second is IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS SHOW IS HORRIBLE Gene Snitsky is like an ugly Kane. How is that even POSSIBLE? His opponent is some jobber. Snitsky hits a splash in ther corner, bodyslam and elbow drop. Then he stares at teh jobber. Snitsky with a full nelson. Speaking of Full Nelson, did you hear Masters is fired? Did Snitsky get in a fire accident? His eyebrows are shaved off... Snitsky with a big boot, and a pump handle slam for a 3 count. Snitsky is the ugliest man I've ever seen. Oddly enough, that wasn't too bad.

Commercial for Cyber Sunday.

We get another recap. It's of Umanga versus Hornswaggle? WTF? There's more footage of Hornswaggle standing outside the ring not coming in there there is of Snitsky's match. HHH comes to Hornswaggle's defense. Cause Brothers gotta stick together, right?

WWE Slam of the Week is Ken Kennedy talking. Wait... it must be a verbal Slam. No wait... Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels run out. Everyone runs around. Cue up the... ANOTHER recap? Why would I even watch RAW? To see if Cade and Murdoch wrestled?

Some tag match with Hardy/Shawn Vs. Orton/Kennedy. I'm disinterested.

THIS IS THE MAIN EVENTAH????!

This will be off the hizzle fer shizzle. OUt first is I WEAR THE MEXICAN FLAG with his tag partner I WEARO THE AMERICANO FLAGO. I don't know Spanish. We then get another 45 seconds of Jim Duggan yelling "Ho!" and then Super Crazy yelling "Si!" The crowd is as excited as I am. Their opponents are IRISH BUSHWACKERS. The Highlanders. Jim Duggan with a cheap "USA" chant going. We start out with Crazy and... Rory? I can't remember the other guy's name. Thanks for telling me Coach. You jerk. They are now Rory (with the red beard) and Other Guy (black beard). Super Crazy and Rory wrestle with some actual action as Jim Duggan screws the crowd up by continuing to scream "Ho!" and "USA!" Yes. We've all been to Vegas. What if it turned out that Jim Duggan was Eugene's dad, and could only say "Ho" and "USA." Wait! Rory is the OTHER guy? Duggan no-sells some headslams into the turnbuckle by yelling "No." I'm not making that up. Duggan shows he can say more words than moves he has, by tagging in Crazy and yelling "Si!". Crazy with some slams and a rollup for two. Crazy with an eye rake and arm bar. Duggan in. "Ho!" Clothesline on Rory. Apparently... we interupt the match to show a commercial for Cyber Sunday. It features Big Daddy V's tits. BUY IT!

We are back with Robbie back in with a headlock on Duggan. NOW I know their names! Robbie with some punchery, tags in Rory. More punchery and a snapmare. Headlock on Duggan. USA chant. Duggan thinks he missed his line, and fights up, but eats a head slam to the turnbuckle. Rory stops him from taggint in by hitting a knee drop and a cover for two. Robbie yells for Rory to take off his head. Duggan fights because his head is where he keeps his cookies. Duggan up, punchery. Duggan loses the punchery, tag in to Robbie. Duggan fights off both of them, then walks over to Crazy, and falls down halfway to his corner. Cover for 2. Tag in to Rory. Rory with an ax-handle drop on Duggan. More head slams to the corner. More punchery. More slamery. More suckery. USA chant. Duggan gets shot to the corner. Duggan stops the charge with the worlds slowest elbow. Hot tag to Crazy. Crazy hits 48 moves in 10 seconds, clears the ring, fucks the woman in the front row and delivers his own child, covers Rory for two, but Robbie makes the save. Duggan drags Robbie outside, but eats the steel stairs. Crazy with a bodyslam on Rory. Robbie on the apron, distracts Crazy, Rory crotches Crazy and covers for a three count.

So... we couldn't job out the guy who's 798 in dog years? We job out the younger guy who was the best wrestler in the ring? Genius.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really forgot how much I fucking hate this fucking show.