10/29/2005 HEAT REBEAK
BLOGGIN IT UP: The absense of my usual posting of these over the weekend was hampered when my buddy decided, in a drunken state, to pour beer in my keyboard. Perhaps he thought it was thirsty. The following letters would not work: QWERTYUASDFZX and the left shift key. Without those letters.... sentances would have looked very odd, as I couldn't even use the word Fuck. And that word is gold to me. Although I've been scaling back. The kids demanded it.
CIVILIZATIONS: I haven't played video games in a week. I have the shakes.
PRE-HEAT: Jesus H Christ. Vader ate Zach Gowan and returns to the WWE. Golddust is back in the WWE. They apparently hired Roadkill from ECW and Mikey Batts from TNA. Torrie Wilson is released and Christian has quit. Austin refuses to job to Coach, so we now get Batista versus Coach. What's going ooonnnnn????
THE FIRST MATCH THAT MAKES ME WISH VELOCITY WAS ON
I gotta get this done before they take it all down and do something... wait.... Tommy Dreamer is announcing? Sweet. Out first is MY DADDY WAS THE REPO MAN is Johnny Parisi. I'll let you figure that nickname out. His opponent is NO MATTER HOW BLACK I AM, THIS MATCH IS GONNA SUCK. Shelton Benjamin. They talk about how Shelton won the IC Belt at last year's Taboo Tuesday. They fail to mention that now he can't even make it on TV. Arm wringer by Parisi is flipped around and countered into more arm wringery as Matt Striker comes to the top of the ramp. Now talk about how Striker lied to his boss as a teacher. Shelton finally notices him, and eyes the top of the ramp as he beats down on Parisi with generic kicks. Shelton doesn't trust whitey. Parisi attempts a backdrop suplex, but Shelton flips out and shoots Parisi to the corner. Shelton misses the spear and Parisi kicks him alot. I go to sleep. While I'm asleep, I may share dreams with you as this match happens. I miss nothing, as a front facelock is still applied by Parisi. I dream about Torrie Wilson.... now Tommy Dreamer is telling me that she should be in lingere. My brain complies. The entire time I dream, Parisi just punches and kicks Shelton. Shelton recovers, jumps to the top turnbuckle and hits a twisting crossbody on Parisi. SHelton to the ropes, and hits a springboard neckbreaker. Parisi in trouble, as Shelton hits the T-Bone for the win. I would make some joke about how Shelton's T-Bone is bigger then Parisi's cause he's black, but... I'm still dreaming of Torrie....
Taboo Tuesday CyberCommercial
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO WATCH HEAT, THEY PUT ON A SECOND MATCH
HOW IN THE BLOODY HELL DID I GET IN THE TABOO TUESDAY MATCH is Tyson Tomko. X-PAC'S BETTER LOOKING TWIN BROTHER is Shawn Riddick. He looks alot like X-Pac. Luckily I'm still asleep, cause I miss Tomko hitting fourteen shoulder thrusts on Riddick. Riddick has some pretty gay tights. Tomko misses a splash in teh corner, so Riddicks gets three of his four allowed punches in this match. Tomko throws him back in the corner, but Riddick attempts to float over. Tomko catches him, tosses him to the apron and hits the boot to knock him out. See? EVERYONE sleeps on HEAT!
Snitsky and Tomko meet backstage. Apparently, Snitsky respects Tomko, and wants to form a new tag-team. This would be a better team then Val/Vis. Snitsky "Come on man, we have the goatees, we're big, we're scary, we've got the foot fetish.. oh yeah, that's me with teh foot fetish." Tomko says he'll think about it. Why do I have the feeling this is gonna dominate HEAT for the next month? Wasn't this tag team suggested on the internet months ago? Vince must have a REALLY slow modem...
AT LEAST THIS THIRD MATCH DOESN'T HAVE VISCERA
Out first is TOO WHITE TO FEUD WITH SHELTON BENJAMIN? is Kerwin White with his caddy, who I constantly forget the name of. I AM IN HELLo LADIES is Val Venis. In my dream I'm still having, Stone Cold Steve Austin came up to me, handed me a beer, and I like an idiot drank it. He stunned me for no particular reason. What a jerk. Val walks around the ring trying to figure out who to throw his towel to. I would not give him a Coke. That's for damn sure. I really love how Kerwin hangs up his clothes. "Chavo" chant from crowd, as Kerwin tries to tell them what his name is. He should really wear a nametag. Val with a headlock takedown, then a test of strength puts Kerwin down to the mat. Back up, and Val hits an armdrag. Kerwin's all angry. Dreamer and Grisham argue over if anyone ever wrestled in Khaki shorts. And then Dreamer plugs the new Dress Code for the WWE? WTF? Kerwin is down as Val wrenches the arm. I swear, if they ever get rid of Kerwin/Chavo, I would be pissed. The guy has thrown himself into whatever gimmick they give him. Kerwin back on the offensive with some stomping and a backdrop suplex for a two count. Is that the first two count of the evening? Val fights back with punchery. Val attempts a whip, but Kerwin counters it and hits a back body drop. Chavo chant from the crowd again. Kerwin with a facelock on Val in the middle of the ring. Dude, I've been watching HEAT for two months now. That never works. In my ongoing dream, Tommy Dreamer showed up with the Sandman, and the two of them beat the hell out of my neighbor with a cheese doodle. Kerwin continues on the offensive, shooting Val to the ropes, but Val just kicks Kerwin in the head, and we have a sleepy spot. Kerwin up first, with a kick, but Val punches him back, and continues. Val with a clothesline. And another. Val shoots Kerwin to the ropes and hits his own back body dorp. Val shoots Kerwin to the corner and hits a clothesline, then decides to hit 10 more. Val hits a half nelson slam, and goes to the turnbuckle for the Money Shot. Caddy gets on the apron to argue with him, as Kerwin rolls away. Val hops down and knocks the caddy off the apron so Kerwin can get the schoolboy for the three count. Kerwin: "1, 2, 3 it was fair!"
Recap of Cena/Angle from RAW.
NOW... YOUR MAIN EVENTAH
I'll give them this, rather then all the recap crap every week, we've been getting some matches. No matter how crappy. It's when they throw in an entire segment for recapping that pisses me off.
Out first is WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BIRD? is Koko B Ware. His opponent is LOOK AT ME, RUN OUT BEFORE MY MUSIC HITS is Rob Conway, who Pearl Harbors Koko. Conway tosses him into the corner from the outside, and continues his assault, rolling Koko in the ring so the match can start. Conway with punchery and kickery. In my dream, Gail Kim is now giving me a massage. Something about a happy ending is mentioned. Sadly, I'm distracted by Conway's huge elbow to take Koko down. Koko hits the mat, to attempt to get the crowd behind him, but nobody pays attention. They all know this is HEAT I guess. Tommy Dreamer is a genius, as he asks where Frankie the bird is. Apparently he died in a fire. Dreamer wants to know why he couldn't have gotten a new one. I guess you can't afford a bird wrestling in my backyard for a twinkie. Conway hit some shoulder blocks to get the Ego Trip and the three count. Eugene comes out to attack Conway, but Eugene apparently is retarded, cause he just gets beat up by Conway. There must be something wrong with Eugene if he can't beat someone down properly. Hit Conway's music twice!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Total move count for the entire evening? About 12 different moves, all hit anywhere from 2 - 45,123 times. Give or take. My dream turned into a nightmare, as I dreamt that Christian quit the WWE. Good thing it was all in my head. Right? RIGHT?