10/4 HEAT REBEAK
BLOGGIN IT UP: The amount of hits on the site is pretty sick, considering we have no advertising, no money, and we make up fake stories about fake wrestling matches with fake characters. This whole site is fake!
PRE-HEAT: I have a slight amount of hope for this edition of HEAT, mostly because there is no Viscera, and no Cade and Murdoch jobbing to said Viscera. They just job out to other fat men. Damn you Big Show.
THE FIRST MATCH THAT DASHES MY HOPE
Out first is I FEEL 500 POUNDS LIGHTER is Val Venis. His opponent is 2ND GENERATION JOBBER TO JOBBERS is Johnny Parisi. Lockup, Val shoots Johnny to the ropes, Johnny with a shoulderblock and a missed elbow drop. Venis hits some capture shoulder thrusts, whips Johnny to the ropes and hits an armdrag and some knees to the arm. Parisi is able to thrwart all of that with a punch to the face. Venis in the corner, so Parisi puts some boots on him. Parisi attempts to shoot Val to the ropes, but Val counters with that running knee smash to the gut. He hits it again so the four fans paying attention can cheer. Val with the Russian Leg Sweep, gyrates for the two more fans that showed up, and then hits some mounted punching. Val with a bodyslam, and he goes for the ropes, but Parisi shoves him off the apron, and rolls him back in for a one count. Parisi with gutbuster for a two count, then hits him low. Parisi liked it, so he goes for it again. Venis up, so Johnny puts in some knee thrusts, and locks in the abdomible stretch. Venis attempts to get the now... let me count... eight people waiting for RAW to start cheering, which they don't do. So Val hip tosses Parisi out, and throws him to a couple of turnbuckles as Val then hits 13 clotheslines that the crowd counts to 9. Val shoots Parisi to the ropes, hits a back body drop, a half nelson slam. Val up top, hits the Money Shot for the three count. That was... AHA! My audio was wierd there for most of the match, but it's fixed... but the video is kind of messed up... FIX IT SHANE!
Taboo Tuesday Recap of the WWE Title Match. Then the Tag-Title match. Yeah... the audio is definitely delayed or something....
THE SECOND MATCH, WHERE HOPE RETURNS... FOR A MOMENT
AJ STYLES is Gregory Helms... who.... looks almost exactly like AJ Styles... He has the same ring attire and everything.... I mean.... Hold on. I have the TNA Impact Special taped. Let me check this out. Ok... it isn't EXACT... but he looks alot like him. Same style cape/robe. Same style trunks. Same hair cut. WTF? WHERE THE HELL IS MY MUSIC? OH YEAH... I JOB. is Kevin Martinson. The pair circle each other. Kevin offers the indy handshake, but Helms tells him to fuck off, and slaps him. Kevin tossed outside, and Helms proceeds to beat him down, and then continue to stare at the mounted camera for heelish looks. Kevin crawls back in the ring, and gets a few punches and a whip, but Helms counters and hits a drop kick. The audio is still messed up, like it's a second or two behind the video. Helms hits a back elbow and then some sort of a choke hold. The crowd starts to chant something, but I can't make it out. Kevin attempts a sunset flip, but Helms punches out. Kevin still hits it, but Helms kicks out at two and chokes out Kevin again. Helms beats on Kevin as he picks him up and hits a suplex, then goes back to a rear facelock. Kevin powers up and hits some elbows to power out, and goes to the ropes. Helms attempts a dropkick but misses. Kevin with a gew big rights and a European uppercut, then a back body drop on Helms. Kevin shoots Helms in the corner, attempts a monkey flip but Helms holds on, tosses him off and hits the Eye of the Hurricane for the three. BUT NO! Helms pulls Kevin up at two! Shades of Malenko. Awesome. Helms picks up Kevin and hits the Vertebreaker, then locks in a standing armbar, falling back into a regular armbar for the submission win.
Triple H/Flair video package that goes on longer then the Helms match.... Screw you HHH. Helms doesn't bother you on RAW. So don't bother Helms on HEAT.
THE THREE H'S MADE ME LOSE ALL LOVE FOR THIS HEAT. THIRD MATCH.
Out first is MY CADDY IS STILL NOT WHITE ENOUGH TO RIDE IN THE FRONT OF THE CART is Kerwin White. His opponent is JOBBERS MUST COME TO HEAT ON A BUS OR SOMETHING. Mike Wellington. Kerwin goes through the entire schtick of hitting a golf ball in the ring, and everything. The man is certainly dedicated to the gimmick. Kerwin argues with the crowd about what his name is. He REALLY should start telling the crowd that his opponent's name is not Chavo. Fake lock up as Kerwin kicks Mike to the midsection, beats him down and applies some kicks. Kerwin: "What my name?!?!" as he takes off the polo and manhandles Mike with rights and lefts gallore. Kerwin with a backdrop suplex for two. Kerwin picks Mike up and hits a standing clothesline, then kisses are blown to the crowd. They didn't like it. Ingrates. Kerwin has Mike back in the corner for more punchery and a foot choke. Kerwin releases it, just to go right back to it three times. The Caddy looks to hand Kerwin a golf club as Coach and Grisham do a Hacksaw Jim Duggan impression. Mike rolls up Kerwin for a two count. Kerwin comes right back up with some uppercuts to take him down, and continue to argue with the crowd about what his name is. My isn't Kerwin ON RAW?!?! Mike shoots Kerwin to the ropes and hits a back elbow. Mike attempts to shoot Kerwin again, but it's reversed and Kerwin hits a dropkcik. Picks Mike up for a fisherman's suplex and the three count. What ever happened to people using the same finisher for their match every single time? Sigh...
Taboo Tuesday video package that is messed up... AGAIN.
More pimping of the Wrestlemania Boxed Set.
NOW... YOUR MAIN EVENTAH
Is this show over yet? Only six more hours until Velocity is up!
THE BLACK AJ STYLES is Shelton Benjamin. I've toned down my usage of the word Fuck alot here, mostly because I figure with near 40,000 hits, a few of them have to be 12 year olds, and I don't need to guilt. I STOLE KEN SHAMROCK'S TRUNKS AFTER CLASS is Matt Stryker, in his very green trunks. Striker teases a couple lockups. Coach: "He's very very cocky... and I like it." Gay. Shelton quickly jumps behind Striker and gets a rear body lock takedown. Striker goes outside, so Shelton is all "Man... get back in dis ring" and tosses him back in. Imagine my Shelton voice to be extremely deep. Like a cool pool of water in a well... so serene. Shelton rubs Striker's face in the ring, then picks him up for a kick and shoots him to the ropes. Shelton with a spinning back elbow on Striker. Striker all dazed, but hits a couple elbows to the midsection. Shelton shoots Striker to the corner. Striker avoids the running splash. Shelton hops to the top of the turnbuckle, but Striker shoves him off. Racist. Rosa Parks would have sat down on the turnbuckle. Striker in control as he smashes Shelton's head into various ringside objects. Both men back in as Striker chokes Shelton out, then gets him on the ropes and continues to choke him out. Wait... Striker is trying to lynch him! Dat's not cool! Striker has a sleeper on Shelton, jumps on the back and rolls back. Striker shouts something, that may be "Tap Out!" or "Taco Bell!" I'm not sure which. Shelton is fading. Fading... Fadin... We drop the arm, but it doesn't even fall once, cause Shelton has a bigger penis then you and me put together. Shelton stands up with Striker on his back, then charges into the corner once, twice, three times to break the hold. Striker attempts to hits Shelton from behind, but Shelton counters and hits a clothesline. Both men down. The audio seems to be alot better in this match. Striker's righst are blocked a few times, Shelton punches back, hbits two clotheslines, and then shoots Striker to the ropes, hitting an inverted atomic drop. Shelton hits a Samoan Drop on Striker, then yells as he's want to do. Shelton up top for the flying clothesline. Striker attempts to get out of the ring, tieing himself up in the ropes. Shelton runs and hits a big boot to the head, that looked like it hurt ALOT. Striker crawls back pu the ramp and leaves, going for the count out. Shelton wins.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Even throwing a Shelton Benjamin match wasn't enough to make this show any good. Where is Velocity??? WHERE SHANE? WHERE! ANSWER ME!!!