ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF Alright, so we' established more things that I hate. I believe that I might come off as real negative when I do HEAT, mostly because I hate at least half of it. Although Snitsky/Tomko might pull this show out of the gutter for me. Alright, let's add another thing on the hate list. Because I love Velocity so much, I think I'll put things I like on THAT recap. How's that for a more balanced Brad? Huh? HUH? ANSWER ME DAMNIT!!!

I hate Omarosa. Surreal Life has been on all day. And I hate her. I hat her alot. If I start to say why, I might exceed my weekly "fuck" limit, and I might need those for the Viscera match...

People mispronouncing his name
Laguna Beach

PRE-HEAT: I'm still a little let down that at the very least, they didn't put some more classic Eddie stuff on the internet shows. I mean, they already HAVE the stuff on the WWE 24/7 online. What would have been the big deal to link it over to HEAT and Velocity? And how come I never heard from Psycosis? He was real good friends with Eddie. You telling me we couldn't have had Triple H's comments cut down from 3 to maybe... 2 times, and then had a few Mexicools muddle through broken English and alot of Spanish oaths? I would have been more touched by that then watch Triple H three or four times. I'm not naysaying here, just kind of armchair booking a week after the fact.

Omarosa is an idiot. I really do hate her.


HEAT beginning. It's hot man. Don't get burned. Already in the ring is NOT COOL ENOUGH FOR A RING INTRO is Taylor Phoenix. His opponent is WHY AM I CURTAINJERKING HEAT? DAT'S NOT COOL. Todd Grisham and Coach can be heard... disembodied. Carlito is getting some cheers, no jeers yet. Carlito bodyslams Taylor right off the bat for a cheer from the crowd. They circle as a "Car-li-to" chant starts up. Carlito nods, and waves his hands as to say "Chant my name? Dat's not cool." Ha ha. Circle again, and a lockup. Carlito gets an arm wringer, and Taylor does the typical indy flippy out, and hits an armdrag and a dropkick, to BOOS. Yeah, fuck you Taylor! Carlito circles around, and slaps Taylor in the head, kicks him a few times, and then dumps him out of the ring. Taylor back in, and Carlito has him in the corner for some punchery, then shoots him to the opposite turnbuckle. Carlito gets schoolboyed for a one count. Grisham: "Technically, I'm a RAW guy." Carlito hits that cool backbreaker into both his knees as the crowd pops for it. Carlito has Taylor up and in the corner for a Woo Chop. Punch to the head and Taylor is back down. Carlito hits a brainbuster for two. Carlito puts the boots to Taylor, then chokes him out on the ropes. Taylor falls to the outside. Carlito follows, smashes his head on the apron and rolls him back in. Carlito gets a bearhug. That move should only be used if you are over 350 lbs. I still hate Omarosa. Taylor squeezes the eyes, but Grisham thinks he was pulling hair to get out of the hold. Carlito misses a clothesline. Taylor with some punches, shoots Carlito to the ropes and hits a clothesline, then another. Taylor hits a side suplex for a two count. Taylor looks to the crowd, and they boo him. Boo you Taylor! Taylor goes up top, jumps off for something and Carlito hits a dropkick to Taylor in mid-air. Carlito picks Taylor up and hits his captrure spinning... neckbreaker? for the three count. They need to call that something. Applesauce? Cool Runnings? Dat Hurts? Why the fuck is Carlito curtainjerking, and Viscera is in the main event? Fuck you Vince.


Already in the ring are JOBBER T AND JOBBER C, Brandon T. and Chris Chaos. Their opponents are THANKS FOR WORKING OUT THAT KINK, GENE and CENA GETTING BOOED WASN'T MY FAULT. They are the future of tag-teams, Tyson Tomko and Gene Snitsky. Seperate, I'm not too enthused about either of them. But together... Gene and Tyson shove each other, and I guess that's their form of Paper, Scissors, Rocks, because Tomko won. Brandon starts out against Tyson, he attacks from behind, but Tomko no sells it and spears him into the corner, tagging in Snitsky. Snitsky picks up Brandon for a bearhug, then slams him in the corner, and knocks Chaos off the apron. Tag in to Tomko, and Tomko takes down Brandon with some punchery, and some knees to the head. More punchery. Tag in to Snitsky. Snitsky with some punchery. Why do I like these guys again? You know what Peppa from the Surreal Life is thinking? "All you crazy crackas." Randomness again. I have to stop watching VH1 while I recap at the same time. Tomko with a bodyslam, picks Brandon up, and hits another bodyslam. Snitsky with an elbow drop for two, but Chaos breaks the count, hits Tomko, and gets beat the fuck up by Snitsky for hsi trouble. Snitsky shoots Chaos into Tomko, who hits a big boot, killing the kid. I'm not kidding. He's dead. Snitsky picks up Brandon and hits a sidewalk slam while Tomko hits an elbow drop for the three count. Snitsky and Tomko celebrate by slapping each other. Alot.

Bret Hart DVD Commercial.


We recap the Angle/Shelton match from RAW, with Davari as special ref. I still want to know why Angle didn't take out the mouthguard when he was talking.

I hate Cena's spinner belt.


Dear Lord,

Please let this match be really quick.

Thank you,
Brad Millar

Out first is TREVOR GOT AN IC TITLE SHOT, AND I GET THIS MATCH? is Lance Cade. His opponent 487 POUNDS OF CRAP THAT THE ENGLISH APPARENTLY LIKE TO CHEER is Viscera. I would like to think that the Canadians would boo Viscera. It's sad when I have to rely on the Canadians. Caprice is pretty hot. And she doesn't seem like a complete loonatic either. God I hate Viscera. And I hate the English for cheering him. That's it, in my e-fed, I'm jobbing out all of my English wrestlers for a month in retribution. That'll teach ya! Get your countrymen in line. Heather Graham is HAWT. Dude, this episode of Surreal Life is the Dirty Laundry episode, which can either be REALLY cool, or REALLY bad. It's hit or miss. You know, I don't think Omarosa is the top reality villian, which is what she calls herself. Wait... I'm supposed to be recapping wrestling shows, right? If you count something with Viscera involved "wrestling." Sigh. Viscera takes off his rope, and does some pelvic thrusts towards Cade. Gay. Cade doesn't like it, cause he's a MAN. Cade shoves Viscera and slaps him. Viscera slaps Cade, and Cade does the Flair Flop. Viscera gyrates right in Cade's face. Gay. Cade back in and they lock up. Cade with a side headlock. Viscera shoves Cade to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Cade goes to the apron to slow it down, back in and a lockup. Cade with a knee to the midsection, and attempts to bodyslam Viscera, but can't get him up. Cade goes to teh ropes, and Viscera catches him and hits a bodyslam. Viscera with punchery in the corner, shoots Cade to the opposite turnbuckle, and Cade bails before the charge can happen. Cade on the apron, hits a snake eyes on Viscera on the ropes, then goes to the turnbuckle and hits a shoulderblock for a two count. Cade with some elbows to Viscera's head, Cade goes to the ropes and goes for a sunset flip, but Viscera sits down. Cade rolls out of the way in time, and Cade to the ropes for a clothesline for two. Cade with a ninja chokeout as the crowd cheers Viscera on. Fuck you audience. Viscera back up, eats some elbows from Cade, cause he'll eat anything. Cade goes to the ropes, goes for a kick, Viscera catches it cause he thought it was a turkey leg. Clothesline for Cade, Cade gets up, gets himself a chop from Viscera. Later on, Viscera will eat some Lamb Chops. Viscera with a headbutt, shoots Cade to the ropes and hits a sidewalk slam. Viscera stands for a minute, then gyrates, sits on Cade, slaps him on the ass, and then dry humps Cade's ass. I wish I was making this up. I hate Viscera. Fuck you Viscera. Viscera hits a sitdown chokeslam powerbomb for the three count. Fucking Viscera won? It's one thing for Trevor to lose to Flair. Flair is good. Cade has to fucking lose to fucking Viscera? What the fuck. Motherfuckers that are booking this shit need to pull their heads out of thier asses. I... I... Fuck everyone.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Let's job out some of our newer, promising talent to large, unmovable slobs. Again. Jesus fucking Christ. Where's Velocity?