12/2 HEAT REBEAK



ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE... MYSELF I mentioned that I hate John Cena's spinner belt, so I guess I should add that post-humaneously. And I have YET to add Viscera to my list too...

BRAD HATES:
People mispronouncing his name
Foglights
Laguna Beach
Omarosa
John Cena's Spinner Belt
Viscera

PRE-HEAT: I don't think I'll be screaming about outside TV shows I'm watching, since I'm watching VH1's top 35 Music Videos of 2005. The reason it isn't on MTV, is because MTV didn't show 35 videos all year. ZING!

MYSPACE: Most everyone knows I'm on MySpace. Well, there's this guy in the "random" slot on my home page that is called "Matt The Viking." He describes himself as such...

Well I have a friend who likes to call me a city hick. I'm a redneck who lives in the city. I love being outdoors, especially up in the mountains, hunting, hiking and all kinds of roudy. Yet I still keep a bit of the civilized in my life. I am a christian and I try to keep my life in perspective with my walk with God. And for all of you (several hundred) who have posted messages and friend requests, give me some time. Getting through that many is going to take a while.

Which is ok, except he claims to have several hundred messages and friend requests. But he only has 2 comments, no blogs, and 7 friends on his list. So.. I call Shenanigans on this guy. Good Christians don't lie.

They go to TNA.

FIRST MATCH, EH?

Out first is #5 ON THE HATED LIST and I'M WITH #5 ON THE HATED LIST. They are Val Venis and Viscera. Their opponents, are DOUBLE B and MY PARENTS WERE CRUEL. They are Brad Bradley and Jaymin Oliveris. Vince reads my recaps, and he sent out someone who couldn't have MORE of my name to job out to my most hated wrestler. I take this moment to give Vince the middle finger.

Moment has passed. Is Velocity on yet? Thankfully, Val and Jaymin start. Val with some arm wringery, but Jaymin breaks it with an eye poke. Kelly Clarkson is Hawt. Fuck you if you disagree with me. And I like her music too. So double fuck you. WHY AM I SO ANGRY? Oh yeah... I'm watching HEAT... Val goes to the ropes, Jaymin sends him through, reversal by Val and a shoulderblock. Val picks up Jaymin, tag in to Fat Fuck. Val hits an atomic drop, and Fat Fuck hits a spinebuster. Fat Fuck to the ropes, hits an elbow drop for a two count. Broken up by Brad. GO BRAD! Tag out to Val. Val and Fat Fuck simulate sex with Jaymin's legs ,then hits a wishbone. Val has Jaymin up, more arm wringery. They go to the turnbuckle, and the ref breaks it up. Brad hits Val from behind, taking him down. GO BRAD! If there is a God in this world, he will let Brad Bradley pin one of these mudderfuckers in the ring, and then Brad Bradley will get in his car, drive to my house, and hand me a winning lotto ticket and Victoria for an hour. Tag in to Brad, and he hits a snakes eyes on the ropes on Val. Brad back in to lock in a front facelock, and hit a falling neckbreaker. Choke out Val on the ropes, and tag in to Jaymin. Jaymin thought it was a cool idea, so he chokes out Val on the ropes. Tag back in to Brad. Apparently Brad has to show this chowderhead how it's done, cause he then chokes out Val on the ropes too. Brad locks in a front facelock on Val, and Val does the face in peril, powering up, almost getting to the corner. Brad breaks the hold, hits Fat Fuck. I LOVE BRAD BRADLEY! Brad reverses a bodyslam by Val, misses a clothesline. Fat Fuck... kisses him? Val tags in Vis. Punch to Brad. Punch to Brad. Punch to Brad. Bodyslam to Brad. Goddamn you Fat Fuck. Jaymin gets jealous, and comes in for his own bodyslam. Fat Fuck shoots Brad to the ropes, hits a back elbow, kick to the midsection and a DDT on Brad. Fuck you you Fat Fucker. Fat Fuck looks to gyrate, but Jaymin thankfully jumps on his back. Fat Fuck whips him off, puts him in the corner, shoots Brad into the corner. Shoots Val into the corner. Fat Fuck hits the big splash to everyone, shoots Brad to the ropes and hits the sidewalk slam. Val up top, hits the Money Shot. Fat Fuck hits the splash for the three count on Brad. Fuck you you asshole. They call Viscera falling down with his splash the "Viscera Drop." I call it a Shitty Move.

In fact, next time I recap a Viscera match, I'm gonna call every single one of his moves "Shitty Move."

Fat Fuck hits a Shitty Move. Fat Fuck hits a Shitty Move. Romeo to the ropes, ducks the Shitty Move, but gets hit with the Shitty Move. Fat Fuck hits the Shitty Move for the three count.

Mission accomplished. Wow... I swore alot in that match.

DAT HERE IS THE SECOND MATCH, EH?.

I'm watching Smackdown at the same time as I do this. Is the reason that the RAW Tag-Team Champions are on Smackdown all the time, is because there are NO tag-teams on RAW anymore?

Are they trying to mess with me here? I mean... first Brad Bradley against Viscera, and now this? Out first is WASN'T I A TAG-TEAM CHAMPION? is Lance Cade. His opponent is I TOO, WAS A TAG-TEAM CHAMPION, CADE-SAN. He is Tajiri. I like Tajiri, and you make me wish he lose? Why are you messing with me Vince? If Cade loses here, I give up completely. I mean, there was no reason he should have lost to Viscera last week. If he loses to Tajiri, who hasn't won a singles match since 2003... They circle and lockup. Cade shoves Tajiri to the mat, and then mocks him by bowing. Grisham: "Cade's not earning any fans in Japan." Dude... they're Maven's fans. Lockup again, and Cade gets a side headlock. Tajiri punches out, shows Cade to teh ropes, and eats a shoulderblock. Cade back to the ropes, hops over Tajiri, once, twice, and bails out of the ring before Tajiri can lay in a kick. Cade taps his head, either indicating that he's smart, or needs a hat. Back in the ring for the test of strength, which Cade wins no problem. Tajiri kicks out of it, and lays in a few hard kicks, shoots Cade to the ropes, Cade reverses. Tajiri with the wheelbarrel armdrag, sending Cade outside. Cade back on the apron, but Tajiri handsprings over, kicking him off. Tajiri attempts a baseball slide kick, misses, and eats a clothesline for Cade. Cade has Tajiri up, rolling him in the ring. Cade chokes out Tajrir, who gets to the ropes. Cade goes back for more chokery. The ref breaks it up. Cade pulls Tajiri further in the ring, and covers for two. Cade hits an elbow drop, goes back to the ropes and hits a second elbow for a two count. Cade argues with the ref about what comes after 1. Cade thinks it should be 3. Apparently the south has poor school systems. Who knew? Cade with a ninja chokeout, lets go, punchery, argues with the ref. Tajiri doesn't really kick Cade in the head, as much as putting his foot to his face. I guess Tajiri has smelly feet. THAT'S WHY HIS KICKS HURT! I'm a genius. Cade comes right back with punchery and kickery on Tajiriry in the cornerery. Cade gives Tajiri a minute to recover to look out over the prarie or something, and turns around, eating a kick from Tajiri that takes him down. Tajiri hits the kick that is MUCH stronger then the others for the three count. Did Cade let his horse shit on Stephanie or something? Jesus.

Bret Hart DVD Commercial. In the same spot it was in last week. Stops me from wasting the time to retypye it. And yet, I type MORE saying that I didn't type it...

AH, THAT'S A GOOD SPOT FOR A MATCH, EH? OR A RECAP

Eric Bischoff might be fired. But he won't be. But think that he will be. It'll increase ratings! If his goal was to piss me off with match results, then Eric's job is secure. What if Eric told Vince, "My goal is to go backstage and fuck your daughter!" and then he went backstage, shot Triple H in each leg, and fucked Steph right there live. I'd cheer.

THIS HERE IS THE MAIN EVENTAH, EH?.

You know, I'd be really happy that this was Chavo coming out, if it wasn't that he was wrestling Conway. Who I THINK I liked for awhile there, but now that he's been gone for almost a month, I find myself NOT liking him for some reason. Out first is WHAT HAPPENED TO ME BEATING "LEGENDS" is Rob Conway. His opponent is MY BANDANA HIDES MY BALD SPOT is Chavo Guerrero. He puts on Rob's sunglasses, mocking him. Rob is all "No you dinnah!" and they lockup. Rob gets an arm wringer, but Chavo reverses with one himself, and armdrags Rob to the mat. Rob slows it down, lockupos again, and gets a hammerlock. Chavo falls down and gets a drop toe hold, and a leg submission of some sort on Rob. Looks like a crossbow. Yeah, that's it. Chavo floats over to a hammerlock, but Conway is up, shoots Chavo to the ropes. Chavo with a shoulderblock. Both back up. Overhead wristlock. Conway wins it, takes down Chavo, hits a headlock takedown. Chavo with a headscissors to break it up. Conway with another headlock takedown. Chavo reverses again with the headscissors. Everyone back up. Chavo attempts a backdrop suplex, but Conway just kind of slumps to the mat. Wierd. Chavo with a headlock takedown for a one count. Continues to lock it in, Conway to his feet, shoots Chavo to the ropes, slides under Chavo, hops over Chavo. Chavo hits a shoulderblock, and a headlock takedown. This match is in contention for most headlocks ever. Rob punches himself out, yells "Chavo sucks!", shoots Chavo to the corner, charges in. Chavo floats over and dumps Rob to the outside. Chavo has Rob back in and in the corner for some punchery. Rob reverses it, and lays in some punchery of his own. Chavo punches his way out, shoots Rob to the ropes, Rob reverses, and Chavo hits the headscissors takedown on Rob, then clotheslines him to the outside. Big "Chavo" chant from the crowd as Chavo goes outside and rolls Rob back in. Chavo goosesteps in the ring? Huh? Rob hits an eye poke, and some punchery, shoots Chavo to the ropes, misses a clothesline, telegraphs the back body drop, Chavo kicks him, goes to the ropes, and this time Rob hits the flapjack. Rob with a clothesline. Chavo up again, Rob with some punchery, shoots Chavo to the ropes, hits a shoulderblock, and celebrates as he lays in some kickery. Rob with a reverse suplex to the ropes on Chavo gets a two count. And a second two count. Rob locks in the abdomible stretch as the crowd chants for Chavo again. Rob uses the ropes, but the ref has no eyesight past 12 inches in front of him. Rob uses the rope again, and AGAIN the ref sees nothing. Rob with some forearms to the midsection of Chavo, as he grabs the ropes a third time, and again the ref misses it. Grisham: "Conway has had this move locked on for the better of a minute and a half to more then two minutes." According to the timer, it's been a minute and fifteen seconds. Get a watch. Chavo hits an armdrag to get out of the hold as Rob reaches for the ropes again. Both men kick each other a few times, Chavo with punchery, points to the sky, and hits a shoulderblock, then another. Chavo with a knee lift, and another. Chavo shoots Rob to the ropes, misses a clothesline but hits a sitdown powerbomb for two. Chavo with two European uppercuts for a two count. Chavo back over for more punchery, shoots Rob to the ropes, Rob hits a swinging neckbreaker on Chavo for two. Rob back up, picks up Chavo, shoots him to the turnbuckle, charges, but Chavo gets a knee up. Chavo up top, attempts the sunset flip but Rob sits down on Chavo for a two count. Rob charges Chavo and eats a dropkick. Somewhere backstage, Viscera sits up and goes "Did someone say drumstick?" Chavo kicks Rob to the midsection and hits the a Modified Gory Bomb for the three count.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Once again, Chavo Guerrero is the only good thing on HEAT. The main event tonight was good. The rest is crap. I wonder how many fucks I used? I should start a tally, but it might depress me. Anyone able to figure out which language I was spoofing for THIS recap?