11/8/2007 IMPACT REBEAK
BLOGGING IT UP: Last I saw Impact, they had shitty music and Scott Steiner. From the opening credits, it looks like they have at least one of those things.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?:
The MAIN reason I'm randomly doing this right NOW, is I used to recap HEAT and Velocity here and at Wrestlingpeeps.net, which is now defunct. I'm going to do a test run of HEAT, RAW, Smackdown and Impact, and then say if I think a certain promotion sucks or doesn't. This is inspired by alot of arguement between some guys on YouTube. It's the equivelent of a rap-off, but everyone is white, they stay in their homes, there's no rapping, and nobody in the background yelling "Oh snap, son!" For your entertainment, I may swear if this is a bunch of crap.
TNA has a rundown of what happened last week. Apparently Kurt Angle is a Homicide Detective or something. Sting's partner is Scott Hall? How is that worse? Lock up your booze and kids!
TNA has a better video intro to their show than anything WWE has.
PYRO! PYRO! Rundown of tonight's card, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash will be here. Who will come out on top? Who will pass out drunk? Tune in to FIND OUT!
I hate Mike Tenay. We run down the card... again. WHy do they do this? Rundown of the brackets for the Fight for the Right Tournament that leads us to our finals tonight.
Out first is MY FAVORITE WRESTLER WHO SHOPS AT HOME DEPOT is Christian Cage with a ladder. They say that he put ladder matches on the map. I think that's a LITTLE bit of a stretch. His opponent is THe MIZ'S COUSIN Kaz. Video of how both Christian and Kaz got this far. Lockup. Kaz gets the upper hand, breaken up. Cage smiles, lockup, Cage with the waist lock, reversed to a wrist lock by Kaz. Christian reverses to a wrist lock of his own. Kaz grabs the rope and flips, reversign it to a wrist lock of his own, and takes Cage down. Both men back up, continues to hold the lock, Cage kicks Kaz and breaks it, gets a wrist lock, Kaz falls down and kips up a couple times, Cage and Kaz break it up, run around each other and Kaz gets a drop toe hold for a headlock. Whip to the ropes, Christian misses the clothesline, eats a shoulder block for one. Another shoulder block for one. Kaz goes "that close." Not really. There's one more number between 1 and 3. Apparently TNA doesn't do drug testing or teach math. Lockup again, another wrist lock by Kaz, takes Cage down and gets an armbar. Cage reverses to a headlock. Is this RAW? Cage to the ropes, misses a spear and flies out of the ring. Kaz is now "lookit the idjit!" Cage in the ring and there's a face off. Cage smacks Kaz in the face. Tenay: "Looks like there's some mutual respect in the ring." Nothing says respect like a slap in the face. Cage takes down Kaz with an elbow and a flying elbow off the ring. Tenay calls it an uppercut. Idiot. Punchery by Cage. Woo chops by Cage. Choking by Cage. Expressions by Cage. Available in your local JC Penny. Cage shoots Kaz to the corner, hits a monkey flip but Kaz lands on his feet and hits a scoop slam and springboard leg drop, then a wheelbarrel kick. Cage goes outside to rest. Kaz eats a shoulder to the gut, suplex attempt to teh outside but Kaz lands on the apron. Cage holds onto the ropes after some punchery, and Kaz his a springboard leg drop as we go to commercial.
TNA Meltdown pimpin.
We're back with Cage in control with some chops, eats some kickery and Kaz hits a leg sweep as we show what happened during the commercial. Christian tossed Kaz around and licked his own arm. I'm not making that up. Cage attempts to toss out Kaz, but Kaz reverses. Cage off the top rope, but eats a dropkick to the face from Kaz. Both men down. Both back up. Kaz with some elbows and a clothesline, then a flying elbow smash to the head. Shoots Cage to teh ropes, hits a kick and a bycicle kick for a two. Cage wants a time out. WAIT UNTIL HALF TIME! Cage hits a double leg takedown, flips Kaz to the corner, and KAz comes off with a spinning heel kick on Cage for two. Kaz with a slingshot DDT on Cage for two. Don West has a heart attack. Kaz up top, goes for a leg drop off the top, but misses. Kaz runs up as Cage goes to teh top, attempts a enziguri, but completely misses it. Cage stops as Kaz tries to get back up and cover it. The announcer's say it didn't have much impact. That's because it fucking missed, you mooks. How about rather than "It wasn't that good" replaced with "He didn't have enough to get up there." Kaz up top, goes for a super plex, but Cage tosses him off and hits the frog splash for 2 1/2. West has another heart attack. Every time West has a heart attack, take a shot. You should be drunk by now. Cage smacking around Kaz, who attempts some wierd headlock, but Cage reverses, goes for the Unprettier, reversed, Kaz goes for backdrop suplex, reversed, and Cage eats a Wave of the Future for a 2 1/2. West dies again. Now AJ Styles is out here. Kaz suicide dives him, rolls AJ in the ring and fights with him. Why would you take him IN the ring? Tomko on the apron, Cage tosses in a ladder, Kaz knocks Tomko off the apron, Kaz hits Christian, ref gets AJ. Tomko punches Kaz and Cage hits Kaz with the ladder, and Cage gets the pin and the win.
Matt Morgan is out, and calls this a screwjob. Apparently he's the Big Baller and Shotcaller. Is he the Commish? Is he in charge? What the hell is he? He tosses out the match, Matt calls Cage son. Isn't Morgan younger than Cage? Apparently this match will be redone on Sunday as a ladder match. Ok.
Kurt Angle is backstage, yelling at Kevin Nash. Some skank stands up and yells at them to stop argueing. Is that Karen Angle? Apparently. Karen is dressed for the prom, and will go talk to Scott Hall. She better bring a fifth of Jack, a box of condoms and hand wipes.
Christian Cage is backstage with Styles and Tomko. Cage: "Who put Matt Morgan in charge? Who is Matt Morgan? Who did he ever beat?" That's my question. Tomko wants to know who Christian's fav guy is. Him or AJ. Cage tells him not to think. And until Tomko stops thinking, AJ is in charge when Cage is not around. That makes no sense. AJ calls out Scott Steiner, talking about Scott wrestling in college. Wasn't that 40 years ago?
Out first is HAVE YOU SEEN "THOSE" PICS OF ME ON THE INTERWEB? is Gail Kim. Her opponent already in the ring is Alexa Jade. Is she a jobber? The Women's belt is on the line. Lockup, Gail with a headlock takedown, Jade with a headscissors, broken up, more headlocks. Crowd: "this is awesome." Does this crowd just chant at everything? Hey! Peanuts here. Crowd: "This is awesome!" They love peanuts. The girls wiggle around, Jade hits a chop, but Gail hits an arm drag off the ropes. Gail up to the top, hitting a tiltawhirl wristlock takedown, then a knee drop, and goes up top. Jad eis up, and crotches Gail. Jade chokes out Gail, then hits a running knee. West: "Nice knee! Nice knee" He has a fetish. Two count on gail, Jade hits a snapmare and a kick to the back, chokes Gail out on the ropes. Gail back to the corner. Jade runs in and eats a boot, then eats an elbow. Gail with a clothesline, another clothesline, knee lift, neckbreaker for a two count. There's been alot of boos around there. Gail to the top rope for a clothesline for two. Jade with kick, and Gail hits a fireman's carry for the three count. The crowd must have had more peanuts. The TNA move of the match is a replay of 4 different moves. So... which one is it?
Billy and James are out, distract Gail, who is attacked by Roxxi Laveaux. She kicks Gail to the midsection and hits a dominator on Gail. Now Angel is in the ring, and hits Roxxi to hold th ebelt. ODB is in the ring, and htis a fallaway slam on Angel to hold the belt. She jumps around like a fucking moron, and Gail hits a missle drop kick to get her belt back and leave the ring.
Karen Angle is backsage where she's looking to blow Scott Hall. Scott Hall only wants things blown that are white and in powder form. Karen whispers in his ear. Apparently Angle married a slut. She rubs up on Scott. Scott Hall: "Aren't you married?" Karen: "I am, but you can trust me." Scott Hall tells her to go talk to Angle, saying you can't trust anyone. Scott Hall says he's only here for Kevin Nash. Tells her to get lost.
Main Event promo for Genesis.
Karen returns to her lockerroom. Karen has an appointment scheduled in... the men's room. Seriously.
More information on the main event.
3RD MATCH Out first is WE BURY THINGS WITH X'S IN IT is Team 3D. Their opponent is MACHO MAN LETHAL Jay Lethal. Why does everyone have some gay nickname? The Instant Classic. The Black Machismo. The Big Fuckhead. Where do these COME from? Matt Morgan hands a special announcement to the booth. Lethal's partner is MANKIND AND KANE'S LOVECHILD is Abyss. Oh... Jay Lethal is black. Ok... part of the nickname explained. Bubba and Jay start out. Headlock by Bubba. Bubba to the ropes and a shoulderblock. He slaps Jay. Lockup, Bubba wins. Break up. Bubba misses a club, and Jay hits 2 armdrags and a head scissors. Bubba rolls around the ring like a bowling ball. Lockup. Tag in to Devon. Jay ducks a double clothesline and hits a double crossbody on them both, then hits a dropkcik on them both and tags in Abyss. Abyss attempts to hit chokeslams on them both, but it's blocked, so hits a double clothesline. Side slam on Devon for 2. Tag-in to Jay, who hits an axhandle drop on Devon. Jay with punchery, gets shot to the ropes, but catches Devon with a boot. Bubba pulls Jay into the ring post. Devon picks him up and hits some elbows, head smash to the ring post. Punchery. Devon chokes out Jay with a boot. Tag in to Bubba. Bubba hits some punchery and mocks Jay. Dat's not cool. Arogant cover for two. Bubba tosses Jay up top, then puts him in the tree of woe. Bubba with a neckbreaker off the corner. Bubba slaps him around, tag in to Devon. Devon with a punch to the chops. Headlock by Devon. Jay fights out, hits some elbows, goes to the ropes and Devon stops that with a huge back body drop. Devon stands over Lethal telling him to get up. Listen to him! He's a preacher! Devon to the ropes, but Jay his a drop kick to stop that. Both men sleep for awhile. Abyss reaches in for the tag. Bubba reaches in. Tag to Abyss. Tag to Bubba. Clotheslines all around for anyone who is a Dudley. Abyss with a spinebuster on Devon. Splash in the corner on Bubba. Anotehr one on Devon. Running knee to Bubba. Chokeslam on Devon. Jay tagged in, hits a knee drop off the top on Devon for a two count. Black Rain is out attacking Abyss. Jay off the top rope on somebody, end up in the ring by himself with Bubba and Devon. Bubba accidentally clotheslines Devon, Jay covers Devon for two. Devon low blows Jay, and that allows the 3D on Jay for the three count. Abyss and Rain are still debating politics to the back.
Dustin Rhodes must have won a lifetime supply of metallic face paint and plastic body suits or something. 3D sets up a table, puts Lethal on the table, and whip him with belts. What was the point of the table? The Motor City Machine Guns now run out to save Lethal. They fight off the Dudleys and take their belts. But... how will they hold up their pants?
Kurt wants to know what happened from Karen with Scott. Karen tells him it doesn't matter. Angle wants to know what took so long. Borash tells Kurt that she was in the men's room. Apparently Kurt doesn't watch the show. Angle wants answers!
SEGMENT NUMBER 234234, BUT THE FIRST ONE IN THE RING
Kurt Angle is out, and wants some answers! He calls out Scott Hall. He doesn't show, so now Kurt goes to the back to find him. We follow Kurt to find him. Kurt Angle is TNA's Triple H. Angle is WALKING backstage. Nice carpet. He walks by the men's room, where Karen is trying out for GloryHole.com. Angle goes into his lockerroom, where Eric Young is standing there, scared. Angle and Hall face off, Angle takes a swing at him. Hall punks him out and tosses him out of the lockerroom. So... some old fat guy who drinks too much is tougher than a drugged out Olympic Champion? And your World Champ? WTF?
Rundown of Genesis card. Only 2 of the 4 in the Women's Title match are on the official roster on their website.
Backstage segment with the Steiner Brothers. Apparently they like to talk about their college days to each other. That's how the kids talk trash nowadays?
Out first is I LIKE MY BUZZ LIGHTYEAR BLANKET! is AJ Styles dressed in his old college wrestling gear. His opponent is YOUR GIRLFRIEND SLEEPS ON MY ARMS is Scott Steiner. This is a takedown challange. I assume it's timed. The two circle each other with no ropes on the ring. AJ runs around, trying to get in, but he can't. Steiner tosses him away a bunch of times. This has broken ankle written all over it. Four minutes left on the clock. Way to put that up at the beginning of the match. AJ is angry, adn takes off his headgear and throws a tantrum. They continue to argue. The ref wants AJ to put it back on, even though Scott doesn't have any. AJ styles takes powder out of his hands and hits Scott in the eyes and gets a takedown and does some pushups and a spinirooni. Three minutes left and AJ gets another takedown. Scott still blind. AJ gets another takedown to go up 3-0. Scott bails out of the ring to clear his eyes. That's strong powder. AJ in and Scott gets a takedown , then gets another quick one to come within one. Scott gets another one for a three. Why wouldn't AJ just have avoided him as Scott gets a fourth, and Tomko is in, attacking Steiner from behind. I doubt this happened in college. THey double team Scott when Rick comes out, waltzes up to Tomko and starts to punch people. Steiner hits a belly to belly suplex on Tomko, and now they double team AJ. Rick runs around Scott like a fucktard for awhile as we go to...
Angle and Nash now back in their lockerroom argueing. Apparently Nash is going out to get Hall in the ring. Hall comes out of his lockerroom. Skank: "That's him, that's Scott Hall right there!" Thanks for the update, skank.
5TH MATCH WITH EIGHT PEOPLE, SIX WRESTLING, AND FOUR FAKE BOOBS Out first is BIG TITS WITH BIGGER TITS is James Storm and Jackie Moore. More fucking nicknames. His partner is SHORT SKIRT WITH SHORTER SKIRT is Robert Roode with Mrs. Brooks. Apparently Mrs. Brooks and some chick in the crowd don't like each other. Skank fight! THEIR Tag-team partner is I HAVE OLYMPIC MEDALS IN DRUNK DRIVING is Kurt Angle. Their opponents are DON'T FIRE ME is Eric Young with Comic Sans as his font. His partner is I KILL PEOPLE, SO SAYS THAT SIGN is Samoa Joe. And THEIR partner is I CORK MY BAT is Sting. Knowing how over booked TNA has been doing their matches, I might have trouble keeping up here. Everyone teases fighting as the announcer's point out Joe and Roode's bandages on their head. Roode and Sting to start. Fighting, headlock by Roode, Sting shoots him to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Roode to the ropes again, eats a hip toss and a drop kick. Tag in to Joe, but Roode dives out of the ring like a bitch. If I had a choice between wrestling Samoa Joe and banging Tracy Brooks, where do you think I would be? Tag in to Storm. Joe and him do some stuff while I get distracted. Storm goes for a clothesline off the ropes, but Joe just walks away. Tag in to Young and Angle. Circling. Lockup. Young ducks and hits a few rights. Tries to shoot Angle to the corner, but Angle reverses. Angle charges, Young hits a shoulder block and dumps Angle outside. Young grabs a phone book and hits Angle. Isn't that a DQ? Young rolls Angle in and covers for 2. We see a video of Nash backstage wating. For a bus. Angle covers Young for 2. Karen Angle now walks out to the ring. Tag in to Storm as we go to commercial.
We are back where Young eats a body drop from Roode. Joe runs in the ring, Roode bails and Joe leaves. Tag in to Angle. Stompery on Young. Angle picks Young up and hits a backbreaker for two. Covers again for two. Body scissors on Young. Young tries to make it for his corner, doesn't make it. Young gets up, elbows his way out, and goes to the ropes. Angle hits him with a shoulder block and locks in a headlock. Young gets back up, Angle chops him down, and hits a back body drop, but Young lands on his feet and tag in Joe. Joe kills everyone, powerslams Angle, hits slam on Storm, puts Angle up top and kicks Angle in the head. low blow on Storm, Roode hits Joe from behind and Storm takes over. Storm shoots Joe to the ropes and hits a knee lift. Tag in to Roode. Storm never officially tagged IN that I saw. Roode hits a few clotheslines on Joe for a two count. Roode with a chinlock on Joe. Joe elbows out, but Roode clobbers him. Shoots Joe to the corner and eats an elbow from Joe. Joe kicks him, hits aboot to the head, then goes to teh second rope for a heel kick. Both men down. Joe makes the hot tag to Sting. Roode tags in Storm. Sting clears Storm and Roode, knocks Angle off the apron, hits a Stinger Splash on Storm, then Roode, then hits the Scorpion Deathdrop on Storm, Roode makes the save at 2. Joe takes out Roode. Angle is in and hits the Angle Slam on Sting. Young in and hits Angle with a clothesline. Angle rolls outside. Young follows. Storm sizes up Sting. Skanks running outside. Sting blocks a kick and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock on Storm and Storm taps out. Young back in to hug. Brother's don't shake... BROTHER'S HUG!
Backstage again with Kevin Nash, who is AGAIN vague.
Out first is I HAVE AGED LIKE A FINE FRUIT. I LOOK ROTTEN is Kevin Nash. He calls out HEY YO, HAVE YOU YO SEEN MAH CAR? IT'S A 92 DODGE SHADOW is Scott Hall looking pretty sorry in his hockey jersey. Is it an Insane Clown Posse jersey? They stare each other down a little bit. Hall has a mic. Where's the mute button. Hall: "Hey yo." TENAY: "That's that signature phrase that we're all so familiar with" Fucktard. Hall wants to know when Nash got mature. Never. He isn't even in his prime yet! They talk to each other and use more language like "Kliq." Apparently cool guys talk about backstage stuff too. Talk about his College career! I feel no need to recap this part. I'll just throw in sarcastic and snide comments. Scott Hall says he isn't Sting's partner and they hug. What is the fucking point of this?
Ah, here comes the pinnacle of sanity, Kurt Angle. He looks so much smaller. Apparently he doesn't like any of this, and asks what I want to know to Hall "Then what are the hell you doing here?" Now Sting is on the top of the ramp. And doesn't say anything, just stands there.
Video package to recap what happened on the show. Huh. That's not too bad. It also hypes up the PPV matches.
FINAL THOUGHTS: It's like an hour of RAW with 20% less Triple H.