11/15/2007 IMPACT REBEAK
BLOGGING IT UP:
We kick off the show as Jim Cornette is yelling at Don West and Mike Tenay to not mention the "two people who appeared in the main event of Genesis." Apparently nobody signed them to a match, and that means they could be sued forever. He says he'll try to sign them to a contract in the ring tonight.
So... They booked two people (I'm assuming Booker T and Sharmell), hype them up for a few weeks to be a "Mystery" and have them show up on the show, but they aren't signed? How did they get paid? Why would they show at all? And for that matter, I've heard them mention over the years Triple H's name. He's under contract to WWE. How is THAT legal if this isn't? TNA has serious logic flaws sometimes. Either that or I'm nitpicking, because I like LOGIC in my shows.
Out first is I CAN GET A DUI COMING TO THE RING! is Kurt Angle with Tomko and AJ Styles. He talks, and I don't really listen, but out comes FATHER TIME is Kevin Nash. Either the crowd is dead when these two talk, or polite and quiet. ANgle: "You know what I say. Don't sing it, just bring it!" That was a great comeback when I was in Seventh Grade. Nash gets in the ring because he's stupid, and gets the three on one beatdown. Then JOBBER SQUAD comes running down. Shark Boy, Black Machismo, Sonjay Dutt, Motor City Machine Guns, LAX, a whole shitload of people we probably won't see wrestle tonight comes running down to break it up. Angle and crew bail. Why do they care if Nash is beat down?
Backstage, Christian Cage shows up. In WWE, they all arive in limos. Here, they drive themselves. Then they go RIGHT to Kevin Nash, who has now FULLY recovered... and is standing backstage on the phone. Apparently not only was the beatdown not that bad, but Nash is so fast he ZOOMED backstage. He's telling someone to get here. Gee... who could THAT be? The only thing stupider about this segment is the blonde skank who just stands there pointign at Nash.
Out first is ROCK RAVE INFECTION!!! I have no idea, because I can't understand the ring announcer, and Christy Hemme is playing suck face with one of them. The girly looking one. Their opponents are WE'RE LATIN, HOMES! is LAX. They wear flags and bandanas. They MUST be tough! The announcers have YET to tell me who the fuck the first team is. Homicide and... Jimmy Rave in the ring. Ok, One down. I miss some stuff , and Hernandex hits a clothesline with the tag in to take down Rave. Homicide hits a springboard senton on Rave while he's being stretched out by Homicide. That gets two. Hernandex with a backbreaker for two. Broken up by Lance? Is that his name? FUCKING TELL ME. Tag in to Homicide. Homicide shoots him to the ropes, but Rave hits a boot to put a stop to it, and is now fine. Lance Hoyt! Tag in to Lance, and he hits a scoop slam. Lance Hoyt is the toolbag that was making out with Christy. Lance with a tiltawhirl slam as Christ screams like skanks do. Hoyt pics Homicide up, punches around, and Hoyt hits a clothesline. Hoyt goes up top, takes WAY too long, and misses a splash. Tag in to Rave. Rave goes for a neckbreaker, but Homicide breaks it and tags in Hernandez. Hoyt in but misses whatever retarded shit he was going for. Hernandex beats the shit out of Hoyt, Rave, The ref, The ring crew, the first four rows of the arena, then powerbombs Rave. Hernandez and Homicide double team Hoyt, hit double splashes in teh corner. Does the ref ever kick someone out of the ring? Hernandez goes to the ropes and jumps over the top rope to hit a suicide dive on Hoyt. Homicide stands in teh ring, and Rave rolls him up with a schoolboy for the three. LAX beat him down, Christy in to break it up. Some other skank in a bandana comes in behind Christy, and hits her from behind with... some object.
We go immediately backstage to see Team 3D with someone in a hood and the X-Division Belt. Are the Dudleys terrorists? Apparently they have demands. They want the letter X taken out of the English Language. They want the crowd to stop chanting "That was awesome." I might join Team 3D. They also want X-Division wrestlers to stop going on the internet and putting themselves over. O...k. They also want 12 cases of Ding-Dongs and 5 cases of Yo-HO. Original. They also want all X-Division wrestler to turn over their "Rats" to team 3D. If you don't know, a rat is what a wrestler calls a groupie. They have 1 hour to meet those demands. Plenty of time.
Blonde Skank (I know it's Crystal, because Bubba is the first person in 2 weeks to reference her NAME) is backstage with Christian Cage. She sort of mocks Christian losing at Genesis. Christian apparently is mad at AJ and Tomko... who for no apparent reason they are now with Kurt Angle. Anyone want to explain why? He also wanted us to look at how his face is messed up. I can barely make out his one bandage, because they have no lighting where they're talking. Fucktacular.
Breakdown of Angle/Kaz for the TNA Title tonight.
2ND MATCH Out first is HAIRY RIC FLAIR with BOOBS They are Robert Roode and Mrs. Brooks. That blonde chick is still stairing Brooks down. Their opponents are ASIAN BOOBS is Gail Kim. Her partner is THUNDERCATS... RULE is Wildcat Chris Harris. Seriously.. everyone has fucking nicknames here. The ring announcer said this was Gail's opponent, but she held the ropes for him... I'm assuming this is a mix-tag match. Gail and Brooks start out. Cirlce, lockup, Brooks with a suplex into a armbar. Gail flips out and gets a wrist lock. Brooks flips through, hits a takedown and a bridge for two. Gail back up and hits a backslide for two. Sweepleg takedown on Brooks gets two. Brooks hits an arm drag, Gail hits one of her own and the two stare down and the crowd cheers because girls can flip around. Roode tags himself in, but then goes outside and grabs a chair and tells Brooks to sit in a folding chair. Roode back in, grabs Gail before she can make the tag. We interupt the two of them being stupid for a video of a door. I'm not making that up. A fucking door. Tag in to Harris, who hits some clotheslines and a bulldog. Tenay: "Faceplant!" for two. Commercial. We come back and Roode hits a spinebuster on Harris for two. We get camera shoots or Brooks in that chair. It would be better if she was naked. Oh, and the blond behind her, which looks like a different blonde then the one from last week. Last week the blonde was frowning. This week she's smiling and has more hair. Hate it when there's actual wrestling going on and we interupt it for stupid banter on a girl sitting in a chair, or video of a door? Yeah. I hate it too. Harris hits a suplex for two. Harris attempts a scoopslam, but Roode just fucking walks out of it and hits a DDT for two. Roode then asks for the chair. Brooks sort of teases him with it. He goes outside and grabs it, Harris grabs him by the hair, and he waffles him with the chair. That's good as Roode back in for the three count. And the blonde girl apparently likes assholes who make women sit in chairs, because she has the "Hire Me Robert!" sign. Roode back in and chases off Gail with the chair. He then hits Harris with the chair in the back. West: "He just hit him in the head!" He does it again, then does the thing every wrestler learns in Wrestling 102: Chairshots, and puts Harris' arm in the chair and goes up top. Brooks stands in teh way. Roode and her argue. She slaps his hand, then pushes him. Punch the skank in the boob! He does nothing. Apparently he isn't heel enough to hit women. Then Brooks grabs the blonde's sign, rips it, and pulls the blonde into the ramp and attacks her. Why? The drag everyone away as Roode laughs at home fucking retarded all of this is.
Blonde Skank sees Hall arrive at the bus stop out back. Hall must REALLY be fat, because he's wearing another hockey jersey.
Cornette is backstage yelling at Matt Morgan. Apparently it's his fault that Booker and Sharmell didn't sign a contract. Hoyt and Rave show up to argue about the chick hitting Christy with the strap. Apparently Spike outlawed Man on Woman violence. THAT explains why Roode didn't punch her in the boob. Cornette then slaps a TV.
Out in the ring is Team 3D with their hostage. OUt comes MOTOR CITY JOBBERS is Sabin and Shelly with Jay Lethal. Shelly wants to give them Ho-Hos instead of Ding-Dongs. The entire Ding-Dong demand was to payoff that one line. West: "Touche." That isn't a touche situation. It's Douche situation. The crowd chants "That was awesome" to piss off the Dudleys. Apparently the guy is Havok. Who the fuck is Havok? Jay Lethal: "This has gone on long enough! Give me back my title!" He's horrible on the mic. Bubba says there's a traitor in the X-Division, so... they all run up to the ring. Behind the Duds comes Shark Boy, Petey Williams and Sonjay Dutt to attack. Six on two beat down. Lethal releases Havok. Havok grabs a kendo stick and now cleans house on all of the X-Division people. They then embrace and start beating down the entire X-Division. So... they went through what might have been a month-long "Who is the traitor" storyline in 2 minutes.
Backstage, AJ Styles and Tomko want to explain themselves as to why they helped Angle. AJ talks like a 17 year old kid trying to explain why he fucked the babysitter. Wasn't this guy NWA World Champ at one time? AJ thinks he might get demoted for helping Angle. He says he thought he could get Angle to join the Christian Colition.
Sinister Minster/Abyss video package. Sinister apparently brought Judas Masius to take on Abyss. So naturally, we go to...
YET ANOTHER SEGMENT IN THE RING
Out first is OUR FAVORITE AL YANKOVICH SONG IS "I'M FAT" is Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. Kevin Nash tries to speak, but Scott Hall takes the mic:" Hey Yo." Tenay: "That's money every time." Me: "I hate Scott Tenay." Crowd: "You still got it!" Got what? Herpes? Apparently they're taking on Angle and his group at Turning Point with a mystery partner. Hey... TNA has a Mystery Partner! That NEVER happens! Other then every fucking PPV. Who's it going to be now? Chris Masters?
Video package from Genesis where Abyss was attacked by Black Reign and Relic. Wasn't he Crimson Blood or something at the PPV? Oh, and they spell his name with the K backwards. It's Relik. Wow.
Out first is STUPID followed by STUPIDER. They are Relik and Black Reign. Their opponent is STUPIDIST. Abyss. This is a three way match. Abyss has a chain. THAT'LL help! Reign and Relik circle him. Abyss attacks Reign, and Relik hits a running boot to take Abyss down. The two choke him out. This must be the battle of the masked men in TNA. I'll bet whoever writes these shows said "Man... what can we do with these three masked idiots... I know! Put them against each other!" Abyss goes for a doubel chokeslam, but the two counter. Abyss dumps Reign, and Relik hits a spinebuster as we show Kaz sitting on the floor backstage. Everyone outside now, as Relik shoots Abyss to teh crowd barrier, and Relik and Reign stare at each other. FEEL the sexual tension! Commercial. Back and double team stompery on Abyss in the ring. Relik has Abyss from behind with a full nelson, Reign comes off the top rope for the clothesline, but hits Relik instead. Abyss out of the ring, and Relik and Reign stare at each other some more. Abyss back in and hits a clothesline on both of them. Running splash on Reign. Running splash on Relik. Running butt splash on Reign. Chokeslam on Relik for a two count. Reign back up with punchery. THey attempt to shoot each other to the ropes, but everyone reverses into... nothing. Regin attempts a powerbomb, but Abyss counters with a back body drop, then hits the Black Hole Slam on Relik for the three. Reugn then pulls out a nightstick. West:" He pulls out that vicious weapon!" He pulled out my wang? Reign hits Abyss with the nightstick. Reign picks up Abyss and hold him while Relik hits him with a chair. Reign hits a pedigree on Abyss, then GORE GORE GORE! runs out and fights them off. Abyss and Rhino stare at each other. FEEL THE SEXUAL TENSION!
Backstage with Kurt Angle. Angle does some bad grasps at humor at the expense of Hall and Nash. He mentions that Sean Waltman didn't have the brain power to find the arena. Cause... that's pertinant?
OUt first is I TREAT WOMEN LIKE PLANES YARG! is Awesome Kong Apparenlty she's reading her lines. It says "YARG!" No.. according to the announcers, she's looking at a picture of Gail Kim. This would be hawt if Kong was a woman. Her opponent already in the ring is JOBBER MCJOBBERTINE Kong tackles her to the corner, hits some cops, shoots her to the other corner and hits the three point splash. The announcers don't even say this chick's name. Kong picks her up and hits some backbreakers on her shoulder. Her name is Alexa Jade. Ok. We show a video of Kaz backstage stretching. Kong hit something, picks Jade up and hits a sitdown powerbomb for three. West: "Don't even count, count to 1000." I don't think West CAN count to 1000. Recap of Kong hitting a back hand smash, which we missed the first time because we were looking at Kaz.
Post match, Gail Kim comes out because NOBODY looks at her picture! Except for millions of 13 year olds on the interweb. Gail runs in, jumps on Kong's back and keeps hitting her. Kong does nothing. Kim shoves down a ref, then Kong clotheslines the SHIT out of her, picks her up and hits the powerbomb. COUNT TO 1000! Kong beats her chest.
We show video of a DOOR! Commercial.
SEGMENT NUMBER 78
Jim Cornette is in the ring and talks up Booker T without saying his name. There's a spiffy desk in the ring. It looks like a folding table with a sheet in front of it. Someone better go through that. Now out comes I NEED TO PLANT A TREE, CAN YOU DIG ME A WHOLE, SUCKA? That's no way to talk to the help. Booker and Sharmell come out as morons in the arena do the bow down thing. At least it makes sense for Flair or Hogan. It's Booker T. It took alot of people going down for him to get a shot at the top. He called Hulk Hogan a nigger. And he quit his company because they caught him doing the drugs. Now we cheer "Thank you Booker." For what? Giving MORE false hopes of getting over a 1.3 in the ratings? Sharmell signs first. Why could they mention his name before he signed when he was walking out. And why can they show him on TV before he signed? Wouldn't he sign backstage and THEN come out? "This is awesome" chant. I hate this crowd. Apparently so does my buddy, because out comes I WAS NWA CHAMP. is Christian Cage. Cornette is mad because they say they just made a talent aquisition. Cage can't find AJ and Tomko, so he decided to come out and yell at Booker. He says he's the #1 contender for the World Title. He tells Booker to go to the back of the line. RACIST! Then he said something about Sharmell, and Booker takes out Cage. Booker also has a hybrid of his old music. Booker: "I guess I just took your #1 Contender's spot!" Ok.
Commercial. Back to see Kaz backstage. Borash is talking while Kaz walks back and forth. He continues to talk while he stalks back and forth. Stop fucking walking. He says some indy generic crap and leaves.
Tale of the Tape of Angle/Kaz. They talk about Angle's match at Genesis. What the hell does tha thave to do with this match?
YOUR MAIN EVENTAH!
Out first is JOBBER MCJOBBERTON. Why is he a jobber? Because he won a handfull of matches to get to the Ladder match, and won that because AJ and Tomko are fucktards. Have him get some wins over a period of time. Give him a secondary belt. They need like.... a TV Title or US Belt or something. It's obvious that the X-Division title is mostly a smaller guy belt. So having a secondary title could help them PUSH some of these guys for awhile before this stuff happens. If the Fight for the Right tournament was so important, why is it the night AFTER he wins, he gets his shot right away? Why not build it up? That's right. Because we're too busy getting OTHER WWE toss offs to boost our ratings. Which doesn't happen. I'm able to say all of that while his opponent is MY APPLET HAS SHINY FLAMES! IT'S REAL! IT'S DAMN REAL! is Kurt Angle and his skank, Karen. Ok. 14:44 left, so I'm assuming about an 8-9 minute match, 2 minutes of commercials in the middle of the match, 1.5 minutes of run-ins and 1.5 minutes of their end of show recap video. Circle, lockup, broken off. Lockup again, Angle ges an wristlock takedown, Kax stands up, flips through on the ropes and gets his own wristlock. Takedown and a legdrop while continueing the hold. Angle with a headscissors, Kaz rolls through. The crowd will chant "This is awesome" soon. Kaz up and gets another wristlock. Angle powers up, to the corner. Angle with some elbows and shoulderblocks to break it up. Shoots Kaz to teh corner, but misses the tackle. Kaz with a armdrag takedown into a standing armbar. Angle powers up and hits an eye rake then a headlock takedown. Continueing the headlock as Kaz is up, shoots Angle to teh ropes, ANgle hits a shoulderblock. Angle goes to the ropes and Kaz hits a high shin kick for two. Both men back up quick, and Kaz hits an armdrag into the arm bar again. Angle punches out and hits more punchery. Angle attempts to shoot him to the ropes, but Kaz hits a spinning heel kick for two, then hits another armdrag into the arm bar. Dueling Angle and Kaz chants. Angle powers up, and half Angle Slams him over the ropes to the outside. Commercial. Kaz goes to teh ropes and Angle hits a belly to belly suplex then walks around. Replay of the slam over the ropes before the commercial. Angle with some European uppercuts and punchery down to stompery in teh corner on Kaz. Angle walks around again, then picks Kaz up. Angle hits a snap suplex for two, then another two. Angle with the bodyscissors submission. Crowd claps. Where's my "this is awesome" chant? Kaz powers up, elbows out, goes to the ropes, ducks a clothesline, and another, and now a double clothesline takes both men out. Both back up, ANgle misses a clothesline, Kaz with eblows, shoots Kaz to the ropes, Kaz hits a flying elbow, hits Angle again, shoots Angle to the corner, reversed. Kaz ducks the tackle and hits a springboard dropkick for two. Angle with a leg sweep and the ankle lock, Kaz kicks out and rolls Angle up for two. Angle with a German suplex when they get back up. The straps are off! Angle goes for the Angle slam, but reversed into an armdrag. Both go to the ropes and Kaz hits a dropkick for two. Kaz goes for the Wave of the Future, blocked. Armdrag by Kaz. Kaz hits the Wave of the Future and the crowd does nothing. Karen on the apron breaks up the count. Angle with a lowblow and an Angle slam for two. Angle picks Kaz up for a frontslam, then goes up top. Kaz jumps up and hits a kick to the head. Angle slumps up top. KAz gets up, goes up top. Kaz hits a botched superplex or whatever he was doing for a two. That apparently was a Flux Capacitor. We recap that move 8 times as Kaz grabs Angle for the Wave of the Future, but Angle holds onto his head and rolls him up for the three. The crowd has no reaction. Good job Kaz. I await your inevitible fued with Sonjay Dutt over the last parking spot. Kaz says he nearly got him. Angle back in. But now to further push home my thought, Hall and Nash are in the ring, and Kaz bails. Hall and Nash corner Angle adn attack, then hit punchery on Angle as Tomko and AJ come running down and help out. Now out comes Samoa Joe to help out, taking out Angle and crew. Samoa Joe tosses everyone out as everyone stares everyone else down. Apparently Samoa Joe is the "Mystery Partner."
Video recap of what happened to hip rock music.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Who in the flip flying fuck is Havok?