10/3/2005 RAW HOMECOMING REBEAK




CIVILIZATIONS: Apparently my glorious Scandinavian Empire likes the fucking Celts, because I attack them, and half my cities go into revolt. This is a revoltin development. I really don't understand it. I have the same fucking government that I had when I destroyed the Arabs and the Egyptians, but for some oddball reason everyone wants to revolt now. I'm really confused on the whole matter. But then again, I also don't understand how a Spearman can injure Modern Armor units, but that's just me.

B FILES: I have had alot of unchecked aggression this week, and it all spewed out as I yelled at someone being a dick to me on a messageboard, and then I screamed at my best friend because he kept calling me on my phone to get him a beer. He was sitting in the other room. So by screaming at the two people, one of them felt bad and cleaned up all the beer, and then vacuumed my frontroom. You can guess which one of those people did what.

PRE-RAW: I wonder if I should keep up with that format, since I blatantly stole it from others. Eh. Who cares. I need a new tape. This one is getting all... wavy. If I say that I see four Vince McMahons on the screen one of three things happened:

1: There are four people in Vince masks on the screen (I remember them doing that once)
2: The tape is more fucked up then I realize.
C: I need to stop drinking.

I tuned in when a... a fucking COUNTER is telling me that RAW is home in a minute and a half. And what do they show me to encourage me to watch RAW? Mark Henry feeling up a cross-dresser, and.... I don't know what else. I fast forwarded through. Anyone else notice that when Triple H wants to, he can have really soft and nice hair? That was just me? Ah...

DA POWER IS BACK IF I PAY DA BILL!

I think I got the tracking right as I see glimpses of Cactus Jack, and then PYRO PYRO AND MORE PYRO! We are live in Dallas, TX. Let's run down who is from Dallas so we can figure out if they lose to Chris Masters tonight in some sort of challenge.

MY CAR CRASHED CAUSE I WAS READING SCOOTER is out first. I thought he was on Piper's Pit? "Mrs. Foley's little boy... has come home!" Tell him to chop some wood. Billy Gunn is cold. Foley refers to Piper as being a legend and starring in the new film "Honor." Huh? They Live has a sequal? I thought Piper died. DONT HAVE A PICNIC ON MEH KILT comes out so Piper can call him crazy. Call me crazy, but Foley doesn't look like he likes being called crazy. He's gonna get them crazy eyes any minute now. After one legit Foley chant, Piper starts up ANOTHER Foley chant that doesn't quiet work, when SOMEONE MAKE FIFI A LEGEND SO I CAN KILL THAT BITCH is out with his DAD'S DON'T GET KILLED. Orton says some shit about how he can do whatever he wants, then gets in the ring. I really like the plaid. They should do that all the time. Orton calls out Piper, and screams at him in teh face. Piper looks confused. Orton shoves Piper, and Piper jumps him, and they roll around like they are in love. So sweet. Foley and Daddy break it up as... did Piper lose weight? Dad sucker punches Foley. Randy RKOs Piper and then Foley. Then I go RKO myself a beer.

Angle and HBK recapping of their feud from Wrestlemania to Bad Blood. Was it Bad Blood? I dont' remember, and I refuse to rewind otherwise my tracking job might fuck up.

Commercials. I fast forwarded through and fucked up my tracking. Obvisously... I'm a retard.

We're back to show us what just happened fucking five minutes ago, because I forget alot. BLACK SPY and WHITE SPY are in teh back, argueing about how Randy Orton just fucked up a RAW segment. Teddy doesn't show emotion very well.

I SUCK is out first, with I SWALLOW doing introductions. I SPIT is out next. That would have made more sense if it was Carlito. Or Orton a year ago. Whatever. Fuck off. I messed around with my AIM here, so I missed the beginning 55 seconds, but phaze back in for a two count by HBK. I may get distracted alot here, cause this is a long match... I think it goes for about 30 minutes... give or take. I phase back in for another two count on Angle. Angle back up with some punches and a European uppercut. I fuck around with the tracking some more, to see HBK hit a backdrop suplex on Angle. Angle back up with some boots to HBK. Angle with a Million Dollar Kneelift on HBK. JR's words. Not mine. Everybody has his price. Even Angle's knees. Angle has a reverse headlock on as a weak HBK chant starts up. HBK attempts to muscle up, but Angle just powers him back to his knees. Where he belongs. Zing. HBK with a jawbreaker. He knows all about that shit. Not as good, but still a zing. Angle charges HBK, and he just backdrops Angle over the ropes, where he lands hard. That looked like it hurt. It was here that I paused to go get some more beer to continue this, but... I passed out drunk with alot of gibberish that I deleted. It looked something like this...

jusutsuts ashthjskldhruiosd s dtkjdkjtuut #@^$*^#@$ what te fuck? askljlkdjaskldjasdjlkasdk I LOVE YOU NEIL!

Pretend that didn't happen.

Is this match over yet? It's like I started rebeaking it days ago. 22 minutes left and Angle is back in the ring during my distraction, and fucking powerbombs HBK into the turnbuckle. Diring the replay both men are on the turnbuckle. Angle with the attempted belly-to-belly off the top, but HBK shoves him off. Angle lays for a minute, then runs up and does his quick Angle Slam off the top for the first fall. Lillian makes sure to tell us the score, in case we missed it. Am I the only one who doesn't like Lillian Garcia AT ALL. She isn't even hot.

Commercials for alot of comic book stuff.
Taco Bell? Eh.... not in the mood.
Netzero? I have Comcast and pay... way... more then you.
I phase the rest of this shit out.
Why do the put commercials FOR RAW during RAW?

We return to Angle choking HBK out with ninja chokehold. Angle however, is NOT a ninja. Ask Cena. He knows all about that internet thingy. They have it on computers now. HA HA! I tried to type HBK without looking, and typed JBL for no reason. HBK has Angle in the corner with some elbows. The come back out and Angle gets a german suplex for a two count. JR: "Angle is in the driver's seat offensively." The best defense is a good offense. Count my SImpson's references. Please. HBK selling the bakc as he tries to get up. Angle picks him up, but HBK rolls through for an attempted cover. Angle rolls right out and gets the ankle lock. HBK attempting to go for the ropes, but pull Angle forward for a rollup and a pinfall. I check with Lillian, who tells me it is now 1-1. JESUS! It's 46 fucking degrees outside! That's wrong. Or... October at 3 in the morning. Both men are outside as Angle puts on some hurtin. Rolls HBK back in for a two count. Angle then applies the body scissors so everyone can take a breather. HBK lays his shoulders down abit for a two count. Then another. HBK attempting to power out, but instead... turns around and hugs Angle? WTF? No... apparently he's biting Angle. If he bites Angle too much, he'll be acute. Har Har. We all roll around as Angle gets the ankle lock. HBK flops around, but Angle won't let that shit go. Angle does the cool little boa-constrictor locking it on, as HBK taps like a bitch. Technically... couldn't Angle just leave the hold on and get multiple taps? I mean.. you can keep covering for multiple covers, right? Triple H and Rock did it... Lillian tells me the score as we go to more commercials.

Subway, Domino
Spade, Gameboy, Shaq, Jeans, Axe, Yay?
I Hate Commercials.

That was the commercials in Haiku form. You can keep that one, kid. HBK is back chopping Angle for Wooing. Angle hugs him and wretches that ankle the other way. Are they spooning? No wonder my buddies think wrestling is gay. Angle has HBK in the corner, attempting Shattered Dreams, but HBK powers back out for more chopping. Both to the ropes for a sleepy spot, but HBK kips up. Scoop slam. IT'S ALL OVER! HBK to the turnbuckle for the elbow drop which connects. HBK does some stompy in the corner, and hits Sweet chin music. That gets us an even count, so Lillian can tell us all. Both men are outside as the replay goes on. HBK rolls Angle back in, gets him in the corner and chops him some more. Angle reverses a whip so HBK can do his flippy thing in the corner. It gets a two count. Angle has HBK up and lays in some punches. Whip to the ropes, but the back body drop is telegraphed and HBK kicks Angle in the face. HBK with a DDT for a sleepy spot. If there's a double count-out does it even matter? HBK is able to roll over for a cover, but Angle is able to kick out twice. Both men back up for some more chopping on Angle's chest. If HBK was Benoit, I think Angle would have quit from all the taps by now. At 1:40 left, Angle gets in the ankle lock. There's no more reason for me to talk, cause for the next minute and forty seconds we are gonna get ankle lockin. Or... not. HBK rolls Angle over on his side, and just starts shitkicking him to break it up and 17 seconds left. Angle has him back in it as he looks at the Titantron and starts screaming to HBK that we have 10 seconds left, when we have... 15 seconds left. HBK pulls Angle through to hit the ref, turn around and eat Sweet Chin Music. The ref starts the count at two seconds left, which means the match ends in a tie. Looked to me like someone fucked up. I don't know if it was HBK, Angle or the ref, but it sure as shit looked like it was supposed to be a pin there. HBK gets on the mic to solidify my conspiracy theory, but Angle says fuck off and leaves. Then Angle beats the shit out of Torrie Wilson's dog. I may have made part of that up. PLAY HBK'S MUSIC CAUSE HE WON!

Replay of pinfalls galore.

I am never doing this with Iron Man Matches again. Good thing this only a Copper Man Match.

HBK hugs legends. I fast forward through some Hip Hop shit.

We return from the fridge as Lillian Garcia introduces Kerry Von Erich. Kerry looks glad to be there I guess. He must have sold his library to Vince. Vince can buy all the videos he wants, as long as he stays out of the ones in my sock drawer.

Bischoff and Vince are backstage argueing, and Eric says the one thing he should have said when he was hired by Vince. Vince doesn't really dispute any of this. What did he say? You watched the show. Why ask me? Cause I'm EVIL! BWA HA HA!

Lillian introduces Vince. After her introduction of the person coming out as creating all these superstars, and how strong, handsome and well-endowed he is... I mark out for myself. But alas... I apparently am NOT on the show, as NO CHANCE IN HELL I'M NOT GETTING A STUNNER is down the ramp. Vince just rehashes a bunch of Austin footage where Vince got the upperhand. This is all just a way to make sure new fans know who Austin is and what he did. Too bad there ARE no new fans. Zing. Huge Austin chant. I'm gonna go put my crackers away. No, not John Cena. You racists. I come back in the room just as I LOVED THE BIONIC MAN, UNTIL I FOUND OUT HE DIDN'T LIKE BEER. Austin says some stuff, that garners a shitload of "what's" from the crowd. Thankfully, they only do it to Austin, and not Vince. Austin laughs, cause he reads my stuff. They show the single greatest Austin moment ever, that just barely edges out the time Austin and Angle wore cowboy hats and sang songs. The time that Austin hits Vince with the bedpan, and you get the really cool "BONG." I loved that. They continue to watch TV as I don't, and Austin and Vince might start over. Good for them. Vince tries to leave the ring. This... is taking too long. Stun him. Oh... he did. Thanks. Austin gets some beers to celebrate, when music hits and out comes HERE COMES THE MONEY, THAT TAUGHT ME HOW TO DANCE. Shane just gets in the ring and eats a stunner right off the bat. Glorious. Now here comes I REALLY MUST BE A BLONDE FOR COMING OUT TO GET A STUNNER. Seeing her eat a stunner and her massive boobs popping out of her shirt are the only thing that will make me like this. Why? Because Stephanie starts talking. Didn't she quit? Or get fired? Or something... Triple H must have gotten her job back. Austin accuses Steph of flirting with him. Steph... at first cracks a smile methinks. I hope Triple H isn't watching right now. Austin says BOOYAH all funny, so Steph slaps him. So... Austin gives her a stunner. Only a portion of her boob is visible. Hold on while I rewind and pause a few times....

I'm back. Austin celebrates as... DID SOMEONE SAY STUNNER'S WERE BEING HANDED OUT? comes out. FUCKY A. Does this mean Triple H is gonna get a stunner too? How about Shane's wife and kid? I want Austin to stun the shit out of a small baby for no reason. Linda hurts my head when she talks, so I fast forward through Austin hitting on her, then spilling beer on her, and then stunning the shit out of her.

When Austin decided he didn't want the kiss from Linda, and said he wanted to really have a moment, don't tell me you wouldn't have lost it if he said "Blow me."

Commercials. Who the fuck is Estebon? He has some infomercial on CMT late at night too, I think.

We return to Vince saying that someone is going to get fired over this. Why not fire the guy that DID it to you? No? Ok then. Just fire some Cruiserweights. That always makes you feel better, don't it?

We lower the briefcase from the roof, as I HAVE THE MONEY IN THE BANK, IF BY MONEY YOU MEAN PENIS, AND BY BANK YOU MEAN LITA'S SNATCH. Cause.. everyone makes deposits! BURN! Lita stands on the ramp as Edge plays hide and seek. Out next is MY CAREER WILL NOT DIE, IF BY NOT YOU MEAN WILL AND DIE YOU MEAN GO TO SMACKDOWN. Edge shows that he is the single smartest wrestler on the face of the planet ever, by shoving Matt down when he comes out and making a mad dash for the briefcase. Both men fight a little bit, with the ladder used, but I missed it as the dog did something stupid. Wow... this three hour thing is killer. I'm totally losing interest in doing play by play. I'm saving myself for the Cena match. I phase back into the match as Hardy rams Edge in the corner with the ladder. Lita grabs her hair on the outside, cause that's how she likes it. Hardy attempts a suplex on Edge onto the ladder, but Edge counts with a reverse suplex on Hardy onto the ladder. Edge sets up the ladder and climbs, almost gets it but Hardy is up and tosses Edge off head first into another ladder. Edge htis the ladder Hardy is on and knocks him off into the ropes, which calls for a commercial. At least I'll miss the sleepy spot.

We are back, and somehow during the break they went outside, set up a table, and a ladder, and pulled out two more ladders. Go paint my house while you're up there. Hardy climbs the ladder on the outside. THE BRIEFCASE IS IN THE RING DUMBASS! Matt jumps off and hits Edge somewhere into the crowd, and goes to get in the ring. Lita jumps on his back. Matt flails around, not wanting to catch something, and whips her off. He attempts to powerbomb her through the set up table on the outside, but Edge got a kendo stick from a nun in the crowd, and hits Hardy in the back with it. Matt is on the table, and Edge gets on the apron to splash him through it. Couldn't Lita just go get the briefcase in the ring and toss it to Edge? Two ladders are set up in the ring as Edge climbs. But Matt is up and climbs the second ladder. Both men on top, as Matt hits the Twist of Fate on Edge off the top. Tommy Dreamer did it better. Lita does her Vince gulp on the outside to show fear and disbelief. Matt is up, and climbs the lone ladder to get the case, but Lita is in and hits him with the kendo stick. Matt finally blocks it and tosses her into the corner. Lita is dressed like a soccer slut btw. Matt is able to get the briefcase, but Lita kocks the ladder out from under him. Matt fucking dangles from the briefcase, and Edge slings him across the ring, where he falls off hitting the ropes. Matt is wrapped up in the ropes as Lita wraps her arms and legs around Matt to hold him back as Edge gets the briefcase. Matt rolls outside as we get some replays.

Backstage, Trish and Ashley talk. I mute it and watch them tie each other's shirts. Trish then looks down Ashley's top to make sure she is wearing a bra. Cause Ashley is too stupid to know if she's wearing one. Mae Young comes out, and Ted DiBiase offers $2000 to Mae to put her shirt back on. So the stupid bitch takes it off more. Moolah drags Mae off, and Jimmy Snuka grabs the cash to go get Mae Young. Hacksaw Jim Duggan does the cliche "I can't watch so I'll cover my eyes BUTWAIT I'll uncover them." Sigh.

IF THIS IS A HOMECOMIMG, WHY AREN'T I HOME interviews MY BEST FRIEND IS BACK, AND THERE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE. HEY LA, HEY LA, TRIPLE H IS BACK. He puts over that the game is back, woos and leaves. You know, Maria is pretty hot.

Commercials. I stopped paying attention.

We are back as two Mexicans are dressed up like Cabana boys in the crowd. WTF? Out first is TRIPLE H IS GONNA BEAT DOWN FLAIR, AND DAT'S COOL. His partner is TRIPLE H HAS A MASTERPLAN TO BEAT DOWN FLAIR. Carlito and Masters are so not gonna win here. And sadly... I think Carlito is gonna get pinned. Sigh. After a small delay for drama, out next is WOO! HUNTER WOULD NEVER TURN ON ME, RIGHT? And as JR screams about the rafter rattling, out comes IN THE OFF-SEASON I HAVE BEEN ASSINATING CEREBALS. My nicknames have run out of steam. So have I. Triple H acts all facey with the fans, posing it up and roaring all over. The match starts, and I really DO give up here. Cause... Carlito loses. And dat's not cool. After the match, Triple H hits Flair like everyone knows he will. This happened... 2 hours and 13 minutes into the show. Exactly. The beatdown then goes THROUGH a commercial break, and doesn't end until the NEXT commercial break at 2 hours and 22 minutes. It was a NINE MINUTE BEATDOWN of nothing but Triple H beating Flair down and yelling at Kevin Kelly's cousin. No wonder ratings dropped off in the second hour. Sigh. And although it seems that people blamed THIS for the lack of time towards the end of the show, how come nobody has blamed the Austin segment? I liked it, but they easily could have just had Austin talk with Vince a minute or two, and then stun him. There was no reason for Austin to interact with Linda as much as he did. He could have just stunned her and that would have been it. But no, everyone bash Triple H instead. I'm not defending either one. i'm just saying if you're gonna blame one, blame both. Austin's segment went at least five minutes too long. And five minutes plus let's say... another five minutes off of the Triple H beatdown would have been another ten minutes for Hogan and Cena/Bischoff. I'm just saying.

We are back after my rant to an extremely fat Dusty Rhodes talking. The only cool thing about that entire segment was Kerry Von Erich locking the Claw in on Rob Conway. And I kept expecting Snuka to fall on his ass when he went up top. Why is Pat Patterson in there, but not Jerry Brisco? And was Michael Hayes at a spa or something?

Commercials. I need to get a job here so I can buy some Wrestlemania tickets. My priorities are FUCKED up.

Do I even NEED to rebeak the Bra and Panties match?

Out first is I AM THE CHAMPION OF NOT TAKING OFF ANY CLOTHING IN THIS MATCH AT ALL, WHICH IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT, I SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST LOST A TOP OR SOMETHING with AM I WEARING A BRA? DURR... Trish and Ashley both have real pants on, so don't expect them to lose. Next is EVIL BIMBO BRIGADE. The highlight of the match? Victoria losing her top early, and when she ran she grabs her boobs so they don't bounce. JR at the same time as Victoria eats a clothesline "Thanks for coming." Was he talking to King? No wonder he wasn't on camera. Wierdos. Trish and Ashley won. Trish didn't lose a single article of clothing. Fuck you WWE. Fuck you all to hell. At least make Ashley get stripped of her pants too. She's posed naked. Seriously... fuck you very much.

Such language. I really hate Ashley.

Eric and Angle are backstage. They already got nicknames I think. Eric says that he's making it no DQ now that Vince is gone, and that when he wins he'll give the belt to Angle. Evil laughing ensues.

Commercials. Again.

We are back to ORANGE YOU GLAD TO SEE ME and HA HA HA announcing ringside for the Smackdown match. First out is AS LONG AS I WEAR THE MASK, NOBODY KNOWS I'M A CRUISERWEIGHT... SSH! then 30 SECOND MAN... IN BED. And lastly BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA. It's the sound a machine gun makes. Those were Mysterio, Benoit and Batista for you idiots that are reading. Yes you. You know who I'm looking at. For the heel team out first is I DO JIGS. Then out is I DO JOBS. And lastly, I DO WINDOWS. JBL, Christian and Eddie Guerrero. Hey, Teddy Long is on commentary as Bishcoff interupts. He turns out the lights and stops the match. Ha ha. They didn't pay da bills. Why doesn't Teddy ever look angry when shit like this happens?

Commercials.

We are back with MEANINGFUL GENE introducing I'M GONNA BEAT AUSTIN SO I CAN GIVE HIM THE RUB. In the time I took to think that nickname up, this interview is over. Cause we're running out of time. Father time. It looked like Father Time was in the ring. Hiyo.

More Commercails. Are there more in the second hour? Or is this the third day...

We are back for Da Maiinnnnn Evvvvennnnttaahhhh.

Out first is I WILL NEVER BE DA CHAMP.. SO SAD with YOU CAN HOLD MY MEDALS FOR A FEW MINUTES IF YOU WANT. They stand in the ring as JR reminds me to buy Subway. Ok JR. All over it. IT'S SPINNIN BITCH, IT'S SPINNIN is out next. Cause tradition is alive in Dallas. Cena gets kick by Bischoff. Cena smacks him around a little. Angle comes in. Angle gets tossed out. Cena FUs Bischoff to retain. I could have Yadda Yadda'd that match.

Teddy Long sends half his roster down the ramp to beat down Da Champ and Da Chump, but then some RAW guys come out. Viscera somehow gets in the ring without me seeing. Big Show shows up twenty minutes later. The combined weight of everyone in the ring collapses it into the ground, and they end up in China.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I may have made part of that up. This really kind of sucked. I am never attempting to do this long of a show again. Unless it's an ECW thing. Which means... never again.