11/05/2007 RAW REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: Man, Daily Motion is sweet. Although it took me going through about 4 french versions of Smackdown before I found the right one. I get to knock some of this out now, because the wife went to Rockford (about a 1 1/2 hour and 60 mile trip) at 8 in the morning on a Saturday to go see some friend. I get to stay here. Her loss is your gain.

INTRODUCTION:

In memory of Fabulouse Moolah

PYRO PYRO PYRO.

FIRST MATCH "FUNNY" SEGMENT

Out first is OUR HAIRLINES ARE DEGENERATING! they are Triple H and Shawn Michaels, D-X. Apparently. If I remember the commercials, they are D-X for one night only. Until another 4 months down the line when they have another "one night only." Shawn has on a cowboy hat and runs around playing like he's a pony, cause that's what Degenerates do! HHH has on a Degenerating Baseball hat. They must have read my nickname. HHH has the mic. They go through the same shpeel they did 10 years ago. Someone has a DX sign where the X spins. It's spinnin' bitch, it's spinnin'! HHH: "It's for one night only." LIAR! No... I am NOT ready. HEAT has me soured on RAW for the most part. I go and make a sandwhich eat it, go the the can, wash my hands, give the dog a bath, and come back just in time for HHH to finally get to it. Hornswaggle didn't come down the ramp, so he doesn't get a nickname. He runs around doing the DX chop. It's a lower case X. HHH tells him to go back under the ring. HS shakes his head no. Shawn pulls out all sorts of merchandice, and pulls out the run sheet for the night. They show HS the Run Sheet and tell them he isn't on the script. He isn't in the show until the "Short Segment." HS hits an armdrag takedown on Shawn and locks in a Short Arm Scissors. They let him in DX, but he has to go under the ring. He won't go because there's a monster under the ring. Why does HS have dirt all over his face. Shawn looks, nobody under the ring, but Shawn gets pulled under. HHH and HS look on. Shawn comes out with worms in his mouth. Apparently he didn't know. Now, Boogeyman's music hits. I CAME FROM UNDER THE RING, AND I'M COMING TO GO FISHIN WITH YOU! is out. He is in the ring. HS hides being HHH. HHH: "Yes, that is a midget between my legs." Boogeyman: "I am the Boogeyman, and I'm coming to...see if I can join DX." They think about it. Now he's in too. They finally get to the intro, when they are interupted by I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY I WILL TAP OUT TO THE UNDERTAKER ON FRIDAY is The Great Khali. He wants to be in DX too. Is this the fucking Dudley Clan? Apparently... Khali joined DX too. He stands in the back. HHH mocks Apu from The Simpsons. Now... John Coachman is out. Two more people and we can rename them the NWO. Apparently Coachman thinks this is nonsense. Where were you 10 minutes ago? Probably making a sandwhich like me. HHH calls Coachman "George Jefferson." Racism is funny. HHH tells Khali's manager what Coachman said about Khali. So Khali's manager tells Khali. Coachman tries to reason with him. Coach! He doesn't understand English! Don't you read your run sheets? Coach gets hit, so he runs away while Khali follows. We are left with just HHH and Shawn in the ring. Shawn: "This is the worst thing since that Katie Vick debacle." HHH: "I don't think anybody writes this crap, they're on strike." They finally finish off the Suck It. I'm sooo happy. Aren't you? The payoff for the whole segment was "Suck it."

DX Vs. Orton/Umaga booked for tonight. Austin will be here. We're at the Staples Center. Tom Green is here! Luke Perry is here! This is obviously a Time Machine situation. To further show off their 90s angles, WWE is bringing out ALL of the stars!

Recap of the Diva's Halloween Battle Royal. Victoria in Sumo Suit = Ratings.

OMG IT'S A MATCH! LOL!

Out first is PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES!Kelly Kelly. From ECW... is there a brand split anymore? Kelly is wearing the tightest pink pants ever. This is sponsored by Jericho! He's coming! The game, morons. Her opponent is MOLLY MOLLY AND CHYNA'S ILLIGITAMATE LOVE CHILD is Beth Phoenix. Face off. Kelly is going to die. Beth grabs her hand. Kelly tries to run. Beth hits a clothesline, then picks up Kelly for a stalling fisherman's suplex. That's enough for three. JR: "This is a dangerous, dangerous woman." She beat up a 100 lbd skank. That's not dangerous.

Santiano Marella (sp?) is backstage, telling us SCSA will not be here. Apparently his logic is Austin won't show, because if he was going to he'd already be here. Has he never seen an episode of RAW is WAR from 8 years ago?

THAT WASN'T A MATCH, BUT IS THIS?

Already in the ring is BULLSHIT MATCHES, DAT'S NOT COOL is Carlito. He tells some jobber named Joey that he won't be wrestling Carlito, but he gets to wrestle IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I THOUGHT THIS WAS HEAT is Snitsky. Snitsky hits a boot and a pump handle slam for the win. Carlito in and raises Snitsky's arm. Snitsky hits a boot and a pump handle slam on Carlito fo rno reason. He's EEEVVILLL!!!! That's what his music implies. So... a heel beat up a heel for no reason.

So... to see where we are at. We've thus far had a 30 minute DX segment, and 2 squash matches lasting a total of MAYBE 4 minutes.

Jeff Hardy video. Everybody squeel!

Jeff Hardy is backstage playing charades with Rey Mysterio.

THEY'VE SCREWED ME SO FAR, SO MAYBE THE THIRD MATCH WILL BE.. A MATCH

Out first is WELLNESS VIOLATION...... VIOLATION is Ken Kennedy. His partner in this tag-team match is MY NAME IS FATHER TIME, AND WHERE AM I AGAIN? he is Fit Finlay. Their opponents are 619 IS THE PIN FOR MY ATM he is Rey Mysterio. His partner is BECAUSE YOU SAW MY VIDEO, YOU KNOW MY NAME IS HARDLY JEFFERY is Jeff Hardy. Jeff is the IC Champ, but does not come out with the belt. He must have sold it for glow paint and glitter. No.. .wait... there it is. His shirt was hiding it. Sneaky Jeffy! I completely phase out for some reason,and miss the beginning of the match. Jeff and Finlay are in the ring, rolling all over each other. Rope break. Finlay hugs Jeff. Jeff hugs back. Jeff slaps Finlay in the face and goes all "Don't touch me there!" Jeff pushes Kennedy off the apron. Finlay clotheslines Jeff outside. Kennedy grabs Jeff, but Finlay shoves Kennedy off. Kennedy and Finlay face off while Rey and Jeff just get up and walk away... AWK-WARD. Commercial.

We come back to Rey and Kennedy. Rey with a hurcanarana, charges Kennedy. Kennedy dumps him to the apron. Rey with the springboard senton. JR: "The biggest little man indeed." Is Rey fucking a 12 year old nephew of yours? Rey to the ropes, goes for something but Kennedy hits a low dropkick and drags Rey to his corner. Tag to Finlay. Finlay with stompery and a scoopslam. Rey's leg is hurt (kayfabe). Finlay with a scoop slam, drags Finlay out and locks in a Boston Crab. I pause to respond to Nero Cain and Insider. Kennedy in, but the ref didn't see the tag, so Finlay back in. FInlay works over the leg again, tag to Kennedy. Kennedy works the knee too. Knee stomp, knee smash, cover for two. Jef acts like he was going to do something, but goes back to smoking a joint like a good hippie does. Tag in to Finlay. Finlay shoves Rey in the corner a little, then Rey hits a mule kick, and a wheelbarrel DDT. Hot tag to Jeff. Clotheslien on Kennedy. Clothesline. Clothesline. Capture neckbreaker. Cover for 2. Shoots Kennedy to teh corner, one-man Whispers in the Wind. Jeff with a swinging mule kick off the corner for a 2 count. Stop doing moves! It's hard to keep up. Jeff shoots Kennedy to teh corner, and hits a corkscrew legdrop. One count. Finlay breaks it up, helps up Kennedy and Rey hits a dropkcik on both. 619 on Kennedy connects. Finlay outside. Rey hits a senton on Finlay. Jeff with the Swanton Bomb on Kennedy is enough for the hot three count. The match picked up at the end there. There are 82 children in the front row gyrating like Jeff Hardy. For the record, that is the fourth of seventeen signs of the coming Apocalypse.

Recap of the ending. Hey, Jeff didn't take his shirt off? Well then... I suppose I will.

Santino is on the phone, and Maria comes up and tells him Austin is here. He thinks it's a rumor. I really like him. And Maria's boobs.

SEGMENT FROM 1998 PART DEUX

Out is I LIKEA YOU! accompanied by IF MY DRESS WAS ANY SHORTER, IT WOULD BE A SCARF. Santino Marella and Maria. I still don't know if I'm spelling that right. Santino runs down Austin. I'm not writing all of this out. I'll wait for the inevitable Stunner and Beer. Heh... SANTINO: "Nobody's going to stomp a mud pie!" Glass shatters and out is DID SOMEBODY NEED A YOUNG SUPERSTAR SQUASHED? HELL YEAH! He is Stone Cold Steve Austin. He does his bit. Santino looks uneasy. They talk back and forth. Austin tells him he got his catchphrases wrong. Santino complains about the movie, and Austin, and then complains about beer. That's too much! Kick, Wham, STUNNER. Austin: "I'm not a doctor, but the SOB looks thirsty to me." Yes, I spent 8 years in med school to bartend. Austin goes to the back as Maria checks on Santino. Before he left, Austin put the DVD in Santino's mouth. Austin drives a beer truck out. I think it's the same one he used in 99. The plates are also from 99. Austin's going to get a ticket. He pulls out the hose (Are those standard on all beer trucks?) and hoses Santino down, then punches him, drinks beer, celebrates, then finally notices Maria. Are you BLIND? Prolonged alchohol abuse can cause blindness. Maria pleads for not getting hosed down. Austin thinks it over. And he hoses her down. Austin then points it up like a fountain, climbs to the top of the truck, drinks more beer, slips and falls off the top and pokes out an eye. It's only fun and games until someone loses an eye, kids.

Autin gives Luke Perry a beer. Reminder that we've got DX vs. Orton/Umaga.

Save Us 222 video. You all know know that it's Pete Rose, right?

Recap of the beer bash.

Hornswaggel and Vince backstage. The overall message? Vince says that Hornswaggel gets in these situations because Vince is playing tough love. Apparently that's why Hornswaggel faces Khali at Survivor Series. That'll put asses in seats. Hornswaggel should win the match by shooting a slingshot at Khali and taking him down.

What the hell do chainsaws have to do with Survivor Series?

Rundown of the Survivor Series card.

DX segment to stall. HHH's words, not mine. Apparently HHH wanted dancers, but because Shawn is a father and husband, he doesn't know what cool is, so he thinks a greased up, shaved fat man is what we want. HHH saves the day, by having full clothed skanks from "The Girls Next Door". Both ideas suck.

IT'S A FOURTH MATCH. YAY.

Out first is Do I STILL HAVE THAT METAL ARM? with his partner WE COME OUT TO MY MUSIC CAUSE I WON THE COIN TOSS is Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes. Their opponents are BROS BEFORE HOES, MAN! is Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. They see Mickey James backstage, who flirts with Trevor, but Lance is all "Chicks are for fags, man." This might be for the belts, but I missed that part. Wait... this is NOT a tag match. It's Murdoch/Cody. Circle, lockup, knee to Cody and a BIG slap by Trevor. Cody to the ropes, lays down and slaps Trevor, shoots Trevor to the corner, but fucks it up. Trevor back out with punchery and kickery and clubbery, snapmare to Cody. Lance outside just relaxing. Trevor with a chinlock, Cody fights out, elbows by Cody, but Trevor locks it back in. Cody finally breaks it, Trevor gets a forearm, shoots Cody to the corner, charges in. Cody attempts a boot, but Trevor catches it, pulls Cody to the ring. Spin around by Trevor, attempts a back body drop, but Cody flips over and hits a drop kick. Scoop slam and Cody gets 2. Cody shoots Trevor to the ropes, but Trevor shitkicks him, then shoots Cody to the corner. Trevor charges in, but Cody gets an elbow. Holly and Trevor get into an arguement outside, Cody goes up top. Trevor tries to crotch him, but Cody jumps over. Trevor hits his head on the turnbuckle, and Cody schoolboys him for the three. JR: "We still don't know the relationship between Rhodes and Holly." We don't know if they exchanged letterman's jackets yet.

Fabulous Moolah video package. RIP Moolah. How in the hell did you go before Mae Young? It's actually a pretty classy package, but most of these tribute ones are.

I read an article online where Mae Young said that Vince said that her and Moolah could have an match when they were 100.

Someone from ZZ Top is here. The one with the beard. So is Jamie Kennedy. He too has a beard.

RETARDED MATCH NUMBER FIVE

We have Super Crazy and Hacksaw going back and forth going "Ho!" and "Si!" The crowd does nothing until Hacksaw says "USA." No entrances for anyone. Shelton and Haas are already in the ring as well. Crazy and Shelton start out. Shelton hits some clubbery, but it's hard to recap with Duggan yelling "USA" to himself every 5 seconds. Tag in to Haas, more clubbery, tag in to Shelton. Scoop slam on Crazy. Shelton mocks Crazy as he tries to make a hot tag. Nice. Shelton hits Jim, and Jim is all "USA!" Shelton with a scoop slam, but Crazy floats over and rolls him up for the three count. Now Duggan is in the ring, and chases off Haas by standing there with a thumb. Literally. Play Jim's music, because he didn't do DICK in the match.

THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENTAH?

Out first is I WOULD BREAK OFF DUGGAN'S THUMB AND EAT IT is Umaga. His partner is HEY, THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SAY, I'M THE CHAMPION FOR TODAY is Randy Orton. Their opponents are WE LIKE GIANTS, MIDGETS, AND DANCING FAT MEN I'm not a huge fan of DX, or Orton so I might be lackluster here. Orton is somewhere outside. HHH and Shawn double team Umaga, toss him over the ropes, and Shawn hits a plancha to take him out. Fightery, and we get back in the ring with HHH and Orton. Arm wrench on Orton, tag to Shawn. Shawn with arm wrenchery and a stomp. Orton reverses another arm wring, knees Shawn and tags in Umaga. Umaga picks up Shawn, Shawn attempts a sunset flip, but Umaga blocks, goes for a sit down but misses. Shawn rolls to HHH, tag in. Punchery. Kick and a DDT on Umaga. HHH with more punchery. Umagaq shoots HHH to the corner, then eats boot. Umaga: "Mmm Beefy!" HHH comes out, and Umaga hits a sidewalk slam, then some kickery to the corner. Umaga goes for the avalanche, but HHH moves. Tag in to Orton. Orton tries the charge, but HHH puts up a boot. HHH hits a clothesline from behind, and now everyone takes a nap. Shh, crowd. HHH is sleeping. Movement at 4. Everyone goes for the tag. Hot tag to Shawn. Chop to Orton, Shawn hits a clothesline, then kips up. Scoop slam on Orton, knock Umaga off the apron, another scoop slam on Orton, and Shawn is up for a elbow off the top rope. Umaga is in and hits a clothesline, putting an end to all this facery. Tag in to Umaga as everyone gets up. Umaga with stompery on Shawn. Umaga with a choke, ref breaks it up. Shawn crawls to the corner. Umaga with more punchery. Shawn tries to fight back, but Umaga hits an elbow and takes Shawn down. Tag in to Orton. Orton with punchery o njShawn. Orton with a textbook dropkick for a 2 count. JR's words, not mine. Stompery on Shawn. Shawn back up. Exchanging blows. Then they exchange Christmas gifts. Shawn got Orton a new duffel bag. Orton got Shawn a tag in to Umaga. Shawn wants to return it. Umaga now with a chokehold and punchery. Shawn with an arm up. Save him Jebus! Shawn tries to fight out, punchery, but Umaga is all "HHH isn't ready to come in yet" and headbutts him back down. Umaga back up to the top rope, misses the flying headbutt. Shawn trying to make the tag. Pray, Shawn! Umaga up and grabs the leg. Shawn with an enziguri takes Umaga down, Orton tags himself in. Hot tag to HHH. Clotheslines to Orton and Umaga. HHH shoots Orton to the ropes, hits the knee lift. Umaga shoots HHH, but HHH counters with the facebuster. Umaga tossed to the corner. HHH with a spinebuster on Orton. HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Umaga breaks it up with a clothesline. Everyone is asleep again. Ref counts to 6, but Orton covers HHH for a 2 count. Tag-in to Umaga. Umaga drags HHH to the corner. Dude, that didn't work the last 13 times. Stompery on HHH. Umaga goes for ANOTHER Avalanche... THIS one connects. Umaga knocks Shawn off the apron. Then stands there looking stupid for a few minutes. Umaga goes for a springboard stomp, but HHH gets a knee up for a low blow. Tag in to Orton. Orton does pushups, misses the RKO. HHH shoves him into Umaga. HHH with the tag to Shawn. Shawn is in, Sweet Chin Music on Orton gets the three. Umaga must have been having a snack on the outside or something. Afer the match, Shawn rolls Orton over and hugs him, then HHH and Shawn lay on the ring together and hold each other. I'm not making that up.

Recap of the finish. DX celebrates. I go to bed.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Smackdown is decidedly better than RAW, but RAW is better than HEAT. But only a little bit. I also don't like their short jobberish matches. I'll give you Snitsky's match against a REAL jobber, but they could have done away with one of those two other throw away matches, and at LEAST went a little bit on the other ones. 3 squash dud matches, 2 long ass segments 1 sort of match, and 2 tag matches from people who aren't officially tag-teams. Fuck.