11/12/2007 RAW REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: I've got nothing at the moment.

INTRODUCTION:

Pyro Pyro more Pyro! BURN THAT FUCKING HOUSE DOWN!

FIRST MATCH SEGMENT

We got hot right into the show as out first is ANIMAL BANG DRUMS! is Batista. He's dressed to wrestle, World Title on his waist, and on the wrong fucking show. You know, you never see Triple H on ECW or Smackdown unless it's a video package, do you? Batista: "Yeah!" He agrees. Apparently William Regal invited Batista to RAW to take on RAW competition. Batista shills his HITC match. He's GEARING up for Undertaker. Next week he'll be working on Taker's bike. Apparently him and Taker don't like each other. He also reminds us there are no rules. The crowd cheers. They hate rules! No rules RULE! And that bring out TURN OUT THE LIGHTS BECAUSE I'M DEAD is Undertaker. Was he invited too? Is there a brand extension anymore? I don't think I have seen a single exclusive match on RAW, Smackdown or ECW. Wait... scratch that. MOrrison/Punk. That was it. If it wasn't a squash jobber match it's been inter-show. Taker takes a few days to come to the ring, which is why this is posted on Wend, rather than Monday night. They stare down. Taker takes his hat off because he's polite like that. They circle looking to wrestle, but now comes out CHEEKY MONKEY is William Regal. Regal apparently is booking the two of them as tag partners against WE'RE THE TAG CHAMPS, SO JOB US OUT is Lance Cade and Murdoch.

Taker doesn't even pay attention to the guy who doesn't like him, and attacks Cade. Punchery and Taker goes up top for the Old School ELbow. Batista tags himself in. Boos. Batista with shoulderblocks into the corner, punchery. Batista throws Cade to teh corner, but eats a boot on the charge. Cade throws him shoulder first to the corner, adn tags in Murdoch. Murdoch with kickery, to the ropes and hits a clothesline for two. Tag in to Cade. Cade picks Murdoch up and slams him down on Batista for a leg drop for two. Cade up, Batista punchery to get up, but Cade stops that with a knee lift, goes to the ropes and Batista hits a spinebuster, then goes to the ropes to hump them. He likes ropes. Taker tags himself in, chokeslam to Cade for a two, broken up by Murdoch. Batista hits a spear on Murdoch. Taker picks Cade up and hits the Tombstone for the three. Batista grabs Murdoch after the match and hits the Batistabomb, then Batista and Taker stare dreamily into each other's eyes.

Shit like that pisses me off, and is why Tag-Team Wrestling is mostly dead in America. You have an established Tag-Team who are the champions of one show, who get beated in under five minutes by two guys who don't like each other, and SHOULD want to see the other person hurt. This happens every time they book the Tag-Champs on either show against someone. It's bullshit, and they have conditioned everyone to think this is the right thing to do, by doing for the last 4-5 years.

Smackdown Vs. Raw shill to show Orton Vs. Michaels. Even in the game Orton walks like a fag.

ANOTHER MATCH, AND WITH SOME BOOBIES!

Out first is I BOUGHT THIS BOOK ABOUT GLAM ROCK ON AMAZON is Beth Phoenix. Her opponent is I AM REALLY HAWT is Maria. Wow.... this is gonna go 2 minutes at best. Lockup, and Beth just tosses Maria down. Beth charges into the corner when Maris agets up, but Maria avoids it and hits that split legged choke. Beth just fucking shoves her off, and she does a split in the ring. Beth kicks her in the back, then another to the ribs. Maria gets a punch to get up, Beth tries to powerhouse her, Maria hits a headstand kick, goes for something but Beth Phoenix catches her in the wheelbarrel, then hits a wheelbarrel slam, picks Maria up and hits the Fisherman's suplex for three. That was about a minute and a half. So in the first 30 minutes of RAW we've gotten a total of 6 1/2 minutes of wrestling.

Hey, this isn't over! Out is THAT LOOKS LIKE THE CUP OF THE ASS WHOOP HURT YOU MARIA is Santino Marella. He checks on her, grabs a mic and says she'll be fine, and talks about how he got attacked by Stone Cold. Santino: "What ever happened to the first ammendment rule of America?" He calls out Austin for an apology. Apparently since he won't show, he wants an apology from JR. JR does what he always does in these situations. Sits there staring, then waits for Lawler to stand up. He calls Lawler out for standing up, and wants him in the ring. JR continues to do what he does best... shut up. He offers Lawler the first punch. Lawler thinks, then gets in the ring. He punches Santino in the face, and Santino is mad. What did you THINK he was going to do? SANTINO: "You stupid! I hate you! You'll pay for that, Jerry Stupid Lawler." I think I might call him that from now on too.

Apparently there's a lumberjack match tonight. Why?

Backstage, Santino challenges Lawler. Santino: "I won't be as easy to beat as that guy from the Taxi." Santino = Ratings.

Video Package of Michaels/Orton. They count how many Superkicks Michaels has hit on Orton. Or how many STDs Orton has. Probably both.

MAYBE THIS THIRD MATCH WILL BE REAL

Out first is WHEN I LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, I REALIZE THE MOMENT PASSED ME is Matt Hardy. Girls squeel for him. His partner is VISCERA WEIGHS 619 TIMES MY BODY WEIGHT is Rey Mysterio. Their partner is DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION is Jeff Hardy. They then show a "Classic" Survivor Series match from 1987 with Hogan's Team Vs. Andre's where Andre was the soul survivor. Apparently during that, I'M THE MVP OF NO ENTRANCES, NO ENTRANCE.... ENTRANCE and MY NAME IS FINLAY, AND I GOT NO ENTRANCE is MVP, Ken Kennedy and Fit Finlay. Finlay and Matt to start, lockup, broken up, face off, shoving, hair pulling, Matt slaps Finlay. Finaly pushes Matt in the mud. Matt breaks Finlay's favorite GI Joe. Finlay yanks Matt's ponytail. Tag in to Ken. Ken with some punchery, tag in to MVP. MVP refuses to fight Matt. He tags in Ken. Ken with some punchery, takes Matt down, stompery, picks Matt up and shoots him to the ropes, Matt hits a cross body, picks Ken up and shoots him to the ropes, hits a hip toss. JR: "Nice Headlock takeover." Matt with another hip toss, another, Ken tosses Matt out of the ring to recover. Commerical. We come back to Ken with a headlock on Matt, which JR thinks is a chokeslam. Ken has Mat up on his shoulders, attempts a thunder roll, but Matt wiggles out and hits a botched Side Effect. Tag in to Finlay and Rey. Rey with alot of fast offense I miss to get a two on Finlay. Rey to the ropes, misses the springboard cross body, Finlay fucking KILLS him with a kick to the face for two. Tag in to MVP. MVP with stompery and a knee drop for two. Stompery, shoots Rey to the ropes and hits a rising slam for two. MVP with an octopus. The Hardy's exchange makeup tips in the corner as Rey knees himself out of it. MVP with stompery and tag in to Finlay. Finlay with a leg drop for two. Picks Rey up for a sideslam, then cheap shots Jeff. The ref grabs Matt, and Jeff jumps in and punches Finlay, Jeff back out. Tag in to Ken. Ken with some capture backbreakers into a backbreaker submission. Rey punches and kicks his way out, tries to crawl through Ken's legs because he's an idiot, and Ken grabs the foot and tags in MVP. MVP with stompery on Rey, then a body scissors on Rey. Rey elbows out, but gets soht to the ropes by MVP. MVP attempts a sidewalk slam, but Rey hits a tornado DDT. Hot tag to Jeff. Jeff with some clothlesines on MVP, hits Finlay and Ken. Shoots MVP to the corner, hits the corkscrew senton off the top rope for two, but Ken breaks it up. Jeff hits Ken. Rey drop kicks MVP, Rey hits the 619 on both of them, Jeff hits the Swanton on MVP for the three count.

Backstage, VINCE WALKS!

We're reminded again that Orton and Michales have a face off tonight.

Save Us 222 video.

15th RAW Anniversary Commercial.

SEGMENT TWO

Vince is in the ring as he lets everyone know what is going on. Apparently these two wrestlers are going to engage in a debate, because they have podiums. Out first is I WAS THE CAPTAIN OF MY DEBATE TEAM IN SEMINARY SCHOOL is Shawn Michaels. His "opponent" is I WAS CAPTAIN OF THE DOUCHBAG TEAM IN FUCKTARD ACADEMY is Randy Orton. I read my community bulletin while the two of these idiots talk for the thirtith time about the goof-ass stips to their match. You know, if Michaels was using the Superkick outside of the ring, I could see the reason for it. Actually... the two of them are sort of debating. I fast forward through the next fourty minutes of this crap until Vince pulls HBK away from Randy. HBK punks Orton out with the tease of a superkick, but Orton fights back, and gets HBK down with punchery. Orton then squats over HBK, probably the same way he shit in that bag of that Diva. Orton goes for the RKO, but Vince stops him, then Orton hits it anyway. FIRE HIM VINCE! Why do they still have the spinner belt?

Recap of the piece of crap segment.

ANOTHER MATCH?

Out first is SKANK PATROL, ACTIVATE! is Melina, Jillian Hall and Layla. Their opponents are LUNCHMEAT is Michelle McCool, Mickie James and Kelly Kelly. The heels better just fucking kill them. Nice to see everyone color coorinated, though. Michelle and Melina to start. Michelle hits her arm wrench to the top rope flippy takedown, tag in to Kelly, who remembers she can't wrestle, and Melina kills her with a clothesline. Tag in to Jillian, stompery and a backbreaker. JR calls her Lillian, but catches herself. Jillian with a wheelbarrel leg drop, picks Kelly up, Kelly wiggles out of a hold and botches pushing Jillian to tag in Mickey. Mickey with head scissors and clothesline on Jillian, punch to Layla and a hangman on Melina. Mickey with a clothesline on Jillian gets two count, broken up and all the skanks run in the ring. Mikey and Layla end up in the ring, even though Jillian is legal, Mikey kisses Layla and hits the spinning kick for the three count. The pink faces celebrate as the heels retreat. Michelle McCool isn't too bad looking.

ANOTHER "GREAT" MATCH

Out first is I AM ANNOUNCING THAT I AM TAKING OFF MY SHIRT is Jerry Lawler.

We show a video clip of The Rock Vs. Mankind for the World Title at SS 1998.

Video package of Snitsky making no fucking sense backstage, talking about pain. You don't know pain until you've looked at your own face, Snitsky.

THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SAY, FAIR TO BE HITTING THE ME is Santino Marella. Lockup and Satino gets the upper hand with some punchery. Shoots Lawler to the ropes, reversed and Lawler hits a back body drop. Santino eats some more punchery when he gets up, gets shot to the ropes, and kicks Lawler in the face. Santino with punchery. Lawler flops around almost as much as his tits. Santino with a headlock. Lawler powers up, and Santino hits some shoulderblocks and a snapmare, misses a knee drop and Lawler hits some kicks to Santino's leg. Lawler with some punchery. Lawler shoots Santino to the corner, adn Santino hits a big boot to stop the charge and a punch. Santino goes to pick up Lawler, and Lawler rolls him up with an inside cradle for the three.

Reminder of the Lumberjack match. Viscera is going to be a lumberjack? WHY?

Save us 222 video. It's fucking Jericho. It says "Break the Walls" and has alegebra equations with Y, 2 and J in it. And apparently he'll be here on next week's RAW.

SERIOUSLY, ARE WE GOING TO GET AN ACTUAL MATCH??

At least it's a RAW only match this time. Well, the Lawler/Santino one was too. It's an empty arena, apparently taped earlier. I COME FROM UNDER THE RING is Horswaggle. His opponent is THE GREAT COACHLI is Jonathan Coachman dressed like the Great Khali. Hornswaggle. Regal is announcing: "What a great physique." They mock Indians with some fat white guy, and we ring the bell. Hornswaggle kicks him in the shin a few times, then bites his finger. They said that was against the rules! Horswaggle tries him up, pulls down his pants, shoves him down, then goes up top and hits a frog splash for the three. This is the low point of my recapping career.

Rundown of the Survivor Series card.

We are backstage with Triple H getting interviewed. Fuck this show. I'm going to get a beer.

I come back just in time for another Classic Survivor Series clip from 1994, where Lawler and midgets took on Doink and midgets. Hillarity ensued.

YOUR MAIN EVENT... FINALLY

Talk about your main event of a shitty show. Out first is I DON'T WORK ON A DAY THAT DOESN'T START WITH AN M is Triple H with his lumberjacks (Matt, Jeff, Rey, Kane). His opponent is I'M SO GLAD MY CAREER HAS TAKEN OFF... WAIT, WHO AM I WRESTLING? ... SHIT is Umaga with HIS lumberjacks (Big Daddy V, Kennedy, Finlay, Striker, MVP). Face off. God... please let this show end. Punchery by Umaga. HHH runs, more punchery. 9 minutes left. HHH gets the upper hand, but Umaga dumps him. Striker runs at HHH to each a punch and HHH back in. HHH hits a hangman and a swinging neckbreaker for one. HHH with more punchery. Umags shoves him off, and charges, but HHH dumps Umaga this time. THe heels protect Umaga, and HHH jumps from the apron, taking them all out. HHH hits Umaga's head on the apron. Shouldn't the fucking lumberjacks put them BACK in the ring? There's 11 fucking people out there! DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. After some head smashing, Both men back in. HHH goes for the pedigree, but Umaga dumps him outside and the heels attack. The faces come over and back them off, commercial. We are back and HHH is in the ring getting punched. HHH in the corner. Umaga charges, but gets hit with a boot. HHH out, but Umaga hits a swinging sidewalk slam. Umaga stalks him, hits a head butt. Umaga with the springboard butt slam, then stalks HHH again like a fucktard. He goes for the butt slam again, and hit connects. Umaga then goes and makes a sandwhich. Comes back and hits some punchery. Umaga distracts the ref while the heels attack HHH on the apron. The ref turns around and they're all "What?" Umaga with some more punchery. I wish I could go to sleepery. Umaga to the ropes and hits a splash for two. Umaga with a kick to the back of the head, and continues to walk around like a fucktard. HHH chants? WTF? Stompery on HHH, and he goes for the butt slam, but HHH gets a knee up. HHH picks Umaga up and attempts a slam, but Umaga just falls on top of him for two. Umaga with a nerve hold on the neck. Umaga with some clubbery on HHH. HHH with some knee lifts to get out, but Umaga hits punchery to put him back down. Kennedy chokes out HHH while the ref is distracted. Umaga goes for the running splash, but misses. HHH back up. Umaga tries it again, because it worked so well, and HHH tosses him in the corner, shoots him to the other corner, hits some punches and a DDT for two. HHH shoots Umaga, reversed, and HHH hits the knee smash, and goes for the pedigree. Umaga counters with the Samoa Drop. Umaga goes for the Samoa Spike, msses, HHH hits a spinbuster and Finlay jumps in the ring, attackin HHH and getting the DQ. Now everyone comes in the ring and fights as RAW ends. Finally.

FINAL THOUGHTS: This show was completeky fucking horrible.