11/16 Smackdown REBEAK
BLOGGING IT UP: Nope.
Video montage of Batista talking about why he doesn't like Mark Henry. He could have just said "He's Mark Henry" and I would have been satisfied.
Pyro Pyro Pyro and we break down the card for tonight. Batista Vs. Henry in a No DQ match. Apparently that's the only match tonight.
EL FIRSTO MATCHO
First out is MY NAME IS BILL, AND I LIKE TO DANCETHIS IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN I DANCE is Jeff Hardy. Seriously. After SS, they had better just leave people on their own fucking shows. Recap of Jeff getting killed by Kennedy on ECW. Hardy chant, and they circle to start. Lockup, Jeff gets a headlock. Finlay puts him in the corner, broken up. Lockup again, Jeff with a wristlock, Finlay gets a nerve pinch into a standing armbar to break it up. All the women and one gay 13 year old chant for Hardy. Hardy elbows out, punchery and tosses Finlay outside. Jeff goes to the ropes, hits a dropkick, then his a springboard plancha. Jeff rolls him back in and covers for one. Both men back up, Jeff tries to shoot Finlay, but Finlay reverses. Jeff floats over the charge, goes for a splash of his own, but Finlay tosses him into the corner shoulder first. Replay of the spot. Finlay outside and shoots Jeff to the crowd barrier, rolls him back in. Finlay with a kick to the head for two. Finlay locks in a headlock. Jeff elbows out and powers up. Jeff to the ropes,but Finlay kills him with a clothesline for two. Finlay back to the headlock. Jeff just looks like he's taking a nap. Finlay with some elbows to the shoudler, then hits an elbow drop on the shoulder for two. Finlay lets Jeff up for another clothesline. Back to the headlock. Finlay has excellent ring psychology, because every time he covers he puts the elbow on that same shoulder. Jeff counters the hold with a jawbreaker, but Finlay his a dropkick for two. Back to the headlock. It really does look like Finlay is comforting Jeff. THey get back up, and Finlay lays Jeff's head on the ropes and hits a spring to launch him off. Finlay with some knee drops to the shoulder for two. Back to the headlock. Finlay hits some forearms to the head of Jeff, then whispers sweet nothings in his ear. Jeff elbows out, and tries to run away, but Finlay is all "Fuck you and your glittery hair" and hits a hair pull. Finlay picks Jeff up and shoots him to the ropes. Some bitch near the mic in the crowd keeps yelling "COME ON JEFF." Why couldn't have Snitsky killed THAT baby? Finlay shoots Jeff to the corner, and Jeff runs up the corner and hits the Whispers in the Wind. Jeff with some elbows, kickery in th ecorner, shoots Finlay to the corner and hits a running dropkcik, and another. Finlay grabs the Sheleighly, the ref pulls it away. Finlay yanks it out of the ref's hands, and Jeff punches Finlay. Finlay doesn't use the thing, and Jeff dumps him out of the ring. The ref DQs Finlay. For not using the object. Jeff stands in the ring massaging his belt.
Up next is Undertaker. Michael Cole says he's the originator of the Devil's Playground. WTF? Commercial.
We're back with clips of Taker/HBK in HITC.
Out comes I BUILD PLAYGROUNDS FOR THE DEVIL is Undertaker. He talks. He says HITC is referred to as The Devil's Playground... NOW It makes more sense. He talks. I google porn. Nothing happens.
Weigh-in for Khali/REy is tonight.
EL SECONDO MATCHO
Out first is I'M STILL WORKING HERE? AND HOT! is Torrie Wilson. Her partner is CANADIAN TUXEDO is Mickie James in all denim. Their opponents are I KILL BITCHES and her partner is I KILL BITCHES TOO! is Beth Phoenix. These teams are lopsided. Mickie and Victoria to start, lockup and wristlock by Victoria. James flips through and reverses the hold, Victoria shoots her to the ropes, James attempts a wheelbarrel, reversed, then James reverses into a roll up for two. James to the ropes, hits an elbow on Beth, then Victoria beats on her with punchery. Tag in to Beth. Beth with a kick, and a double team head takedown for two. Beth with some knees. Beth gets her in the corner and htis a shoulder, but the second one misses. James tries to tag in Torrie, Beth grabs the foot, James breaks free. Torrie hits a shoulderblock to the midsection, then some elbows to get Beth to the corner. Torrie attempts to shoot Beth, but Beth says no and tosses her back in the corner. Beth charges in, Torrie jumps over and rolls Beth up for one. Torrie attempts a swinging neckbreaker, but Beth reverses it into a side slam. Victoria in and gets James off the apron. Beth hits the facebuster for the three. For three great women's wrestlers, that wasn't that good.
Matt and Jeff backstage. Apparently Jeff is leaving because he has some "business to attend to." It involves the docks, a sailor, and a gallon of KY Jelly.
Video of Taker/Mankind in HITC.
Hey, Batista faces Mark Henry tonight. I wasn't aware.
ANOTHER IN-RING SEGMENT
Already in the ring is MY VEGTABLE PLATE is MVP. This is the VIP Lounge I guess. His guest is MY BROTHER IS A HOMO is Matt Hardy. He comes down the ramp, and has to get past a bouncer to get in the ring. Nice. Him and Matt talk about becoming Tag Champs. Apparently MVP thinks they're friends, but Matt wants to know why he let Jeff get taken out by Kennedy. So they show footage. For the record, didn't MVP stop Kennedy from attacking with a chair? Matt tells him they aren't friends after MVP continues to make his case that they are. MVP says he can't defend the US Belt against Matt, because they have a Tag-Team Title Defense right now. Against...
EL THIRDO MATCHITO
Matt and MVP already in the ring, their first opponent is I COULDN'T GET A RIDE WITH JEFF TO HIS "MEETING" is John Morrison. His tag-team partner is IS THIS ECW? I MUST ME MIZ-TAKEN is The Miz. So one tag -team that hates each other is going against another team that hates each other. Miz and MVP to start. MVP takes him down with punchery for one. MVp with some knees to the face, puts him in the corner and hits the running boot, tag in to Matt. MVP is hoping. Cover for two, Matt must have been hit with something, cause Miz tags in John, and NOW Matt who gets hit with some stuff and a bulldog for two, but I miss most of THAT because we have a recap of the MVP kick. John gets Matt in the corner, punchery, and Miz hits him a bit too. That same bitch is chanting HARDY!. It also might be a 13 year old boy. Or Jeff Hardy. Probably Jeff. Miz and Morrison double teaming Matt, and I keep missing stuff because Miz and Morrison suck, and they keep recapping other sucky stuff. Miz covers for one. Tag in to John. John with a punch, then some stompery on Matt's leg. Matt is up, hits a clothesline, and we begin the slow crawl for the hot tag. Morrison hits a dragon leg takedown, then covers for two. Morrison gets Matt back up, puts him in the corner, but Matt hits a clothesline on Morrison, a clothesline on Miz, goes for Twist of Fate on Miz, but Morrison hits a leg sweep from behind and Miz covers for the three count. And now ECW wrestlers are your Smackdown Tag-Team Champions... fuck. The new champs celebrate, because apparently sharing gold makes them friends. MVP is checking on Matt, who apparently hurt his leg. I have the sound off because I can't take the Cole commentary anymore. However, I CAN read lips, and MVP challanges for their title rematch right away. They come back down. Commercial.
DOES THIS COUNT AS ANOTHER MATCH?... O?
We come back to MVP beating down Miz with punchery, still favoring his leg. Miz reverses it with his own punchery, then gets shot to the ropes. MVP leapfrogs over, but collapses on the leg, then tags in Matt. Matt gets killed by Miz with punchery, dragged over to John, who gets tagged in. John goes to work on the leg. John just continues to kick the fuck out of the leg, tag in to Miz, who starts getting beat on by Hardy with punchery, but it's stopped with knee lift and swinging neckbreaker for two. Matt gets the boot on the ropes. Tag into John. John with a half Boston crab. Did Morrison steal Melina's boots? Matt tries for the ropes, but Morrison continues to dry hump Matt's leg. John pulls him back out, and locks in a leg bar. MVP yells at Matt to hold on, and Matt taps out. MVP gets in to check on Matt as the champs celebrate. Do shitty on commentary and get in a shoving match with someone backstage, and you can have the Tag-Team Championships too. Try it at Wal-Mart.
Replay of the beating on Matt's leg leading to the first finish, and then the second finish. MVP is still trying to help up Matt, gets him to his feet, raises his hand, and anyone that's seen a Ric Flair match knows... MVP kicks the leg out and starts beating the shit out of Matt Hardy. He takes the boot off and gives Matt a light massage. With kicks. MVP continues to undress Matt Hardy. He likes to start at teh foot and work his way up. He continues to beat down on Hardy's leg with the steel steps. Some skank in the crowd looks sad. So does another. So does.... wait... Mom? MVP continues the beat down, then yells in Matt's ear.. I can read lips BTW... that he just saved a bunch of money his car insurance. That's kind of off topic, isn't it?
Taker/Rikishi HITC video. Seriously. We didn't have a better HITC to show then that one?
Breakdown of the SS card with chainsaws galore.
Rey Vs. Kennedy is next! Don't let Grandma watch!
LA RIBA LA RAZE, EL FIFTHO MATCHO!
Out first is MIIIISSSTTTEERRR... UM... LINE? is Ken Kennedy. Is opponent is 316 LOVES 619 is Rey Mysterio. Is there a 316 area code wherever they are? That sign makes no sense. Recap of Rey/Finlay from last week. Circle, lockup. Kennedy with a wristlock. Ken flips Rey down, Rey kips up and hits an armdrag. Cole does his job and recalls Rey and Kennedy feuding last year. Continuality rules. Ken shoots Rey to the ropes, but Rey counters with a tilt a whirl headscissors, then some kickery. Rey to the ropes again, hits a elbow smash. Ken has Rey up for a powerbomb, but Rey hits another headscissors, and Kennedy bails. Commercial. We come back and Ken has Rey in a headlock, shoots Rey to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock and some stompery. Ken tries to pull Rey's mask off, but it's too complicated. Rey to the ropes, hits a kick, goes back to the ropes, goes for a hurcanarana but Kennedy face plants him. Recap of that. The crowd is kind of dead. Ken with a cover for two. Back to stompery, picks Rey up, puts him in the corner with a shoulderblock. Kennedy back to stompery, shoots Rey into the other corner hard. Cover for two. Kennedy decides since the crowd is so dead, that he'll slow things down with a body scissors. The two of them roll around, laughing and giggling like schoolgirls in love. Ken rolls Rey over with his legs for a two count. Rey shouts out "I CAN'T BREATHE!" I thought it was "I can't quit you" for a split second. Ken lets go after Rey gets to the ropes, and Rey bails. Ken follows and smashes him into the crowd barrier, then the apron, the rolls him back in the ring for a two count. Ken picks him up for a torture rack in the middle of the ring. Rey punches out, hits a sunset flip for two. Ken kicks him in the head, shoots him to the ropes, Rey springboards off attempting a DDT, but Ken blocks, Rey hits a tornado DDT anyway. Everyone goes to sleep. It's hard work to hug! Both back up, Ken dumps Rey over the ropes, Rey lands on the apron, hits a springboard hurcanarana, goes back to the ropes, hits a springboard lateral press for two. Rey tries to shoot Ken to the corner, but it's reversed. Rey hits a boot on Ken as he charges in, then hits a springboard senton, some kickery for a two count. Rey goes to the ropes, but Ken counters with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Ken picks Rey up for a Victory Roll, but Rey wiggles out, hits a dropkick, then hits the 619. I've heard 316 loves that. Rey stands on the apron for a minute, but Ken is too far away. Rey comes back in the ring, and Ken dumps him head first to the corner. Everyone goes up top. Ken looks for the Victory Roll off the second rope, Rey counters with some knees, and hits a sweet hurcanarana for the three count. Some fat Spanish broad celebrates like she won.
We're going to weigh Khali and Hornswaggle next, just in case you think it's a close matchup.
3RD IN RING SEGMENT. O.
Out first is THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION WEIGHS HEAVILY ON ME is Hornswaggle. His opponent on the scale is I WILL CRUSH YOUR AMERICA WEIGHING SYSTEM is Great Khali. Khali in the ring. Do you think he realizes he's dropped down the card a bit? I'm not giving a play by play of people standing on scales. If you want that, I'll go stand on mine. HS is 138, but Khali breaks the scale. So you mean to tell me that even in a match where people stand on scales, the WWE gives us a non-finish? Khali further makes me hate this segment by yelling in whatever language he speaks. Allow me to translate. Khali: "This little man, he has mocked this great scale in front of me, and I will crush him some lima beans for his trouble. Stern Rules!" My Gibberish knowledge may be a little rusty. Now Khali shoves his penis in HS's face. HS is scared. Rub his head and make him feel better. Now they stand next to each other. Seriously, why is HS's face always dirty? Khali eats HS's hat.
Batista/Henry is next. Hopefully Henry busts out that shouting while sweating alot move I love.
AYE CARUMBA! THE MAIN EVENTO!
Out first is I EAT SEXUAL CHOCOLATE FOR BREAKFAST is Batista. His opponent is IS MY FIFTY YEAR CONTRACT DONE YET? is Mark Henry. Henry mocks Batista like a fucktard, and Batista kills him with some knees. Batista tries to shoot him to the corner, but Henry stops it and shoots him himself. Batista kicks him down, then goes outside and smashes his arm on the ringpost abit. Head smash to the turnbuckle on Henry. Again. Rolls him back inside, and locks in an armbar. Batista is pulling his hair! Pussy. Batista goes outside and grabs the belt, then waffles Henry with it. That gets the three count. Cole: "Batista with a major statement!" If the statement is that Mark Henry is a fucking shitty wrestler, then I already got the memo. Batista goes outside and shoots Henry to the stairs, then shoves him in the corner, punchery. Isn't Batista a face? Batista chokes him out with a cord, and slams him into the turnbuckle again, then spears him hard. Batista grabs a chair. That's nice, he's going to help Mark up and let him take a seat. No! He beats the fuck out of Henry with the chair with about 12 chair shots to the back. The crowd loves it. I would be an instant face if I mugged Mark Henry too. Suddenly, DONG. Taker shows off his recent face lift by showing us his eyes on the Titantron as the show ends.
FINAL THOUGHTS: There was some good wrestling, and some crappy segments that actually fit into the show, other than the HS/Khali crap. Oh well.