11/03 TNA IMPACT PRIME TIME SPECIAL REBEAK



BLOGGIN IT UP: So... I have my next interview with Jewel on Monday. Basically... I'll be making so much money, that I can just call people up, and pay them to surf the site. Lucky for me, I will only be hiring my dog. Go get your own money, you fools.

MECHWARRIOR 2: I have yet to go back to Civilizations again. I'll probably cycle back through the games here, and get back to it. I kind of have to. I mean...how do you blog about Mechwarrior anyway? I commanded my mechs. We blew some shit up. It was great. I laughed as I walked over infantry, and giggled as I blew up a town in the south for no apparent reason, other then they had no resources for me to capture. I'm apparently pretty evil.

PRE-SPECIAL THINGY: I think ever since shows like Space Ghost, Aquateen and Space Labd 2021 went on Cartoon Network... that every idiot who can draw a stick figure gets a show on that channel now. Cause there are some REALLY bad shows on at 2 in the morning. Shouldn't this be in the Blog part? Nope.... cause I'm waiting for the tape to rewind. I also can 't remember if they gave this an actual NAME. Other then TNA Special. Eugene apparently is on the booking committee.

Apparently it's just called TNA: Impact.

Opening video package, which only informs me that Jeff Hardy has way too much Body Paint/Time on his hands.

PYRO, PYRO and PYRO starts this show off!

MATCH ONE

I won't make fun of the matches. Not yet at least. Out first is FAT GOTH CHICKS THINK I'M HOT is Jeff Hardy. His partner is I LOOK LIKE TEST, BUT I STOLE HBK'S PANTS is Lance Hoyt. And THEIR partner is MY PANTS ARE SO SPARKLY, THE SHEIK DOESN'T NEED TO SEE MY POINT, HE SAW ME IN THE DRESSINGROOM is Sabu with a shitty nickname. Apprently they are going up against MY RIPOFF MUSIC FROM DRAIN STH IS ACTUALLY NOT BAD with WHITE DIAMOND and BLACK DIAMOND. They are Simon Diamond, David Young and Elix Skipper AKA The Diamonds in the Rough. Simon and Hoyt to start out. I don't know how much play by play I can handle. My neck is hurting pretty bad. Insert gay jokes here. That was a gay joke on it's own... Zing on me? You know, maybe I'll just do my THOUGHTS on the matches as I go along on this. I mean... this is two friggin hours man. I can't take this. Remember when I did RAW Homecoming? I was tired from being tired. Young and Sabu are in the ring, and tag out to Skipper and Hoyt. Why does every big man in the business have to use the Big Boot? Somehow Jeff Hardy got the pin without me noticing. I continue my boycott of recapping Jeff Hardy matches.

KANEKIND is out! He attacks Hardy, but Hoyt and Hardy fight him off while Sabu takes a nap in the ring. I like Abyss's music. I don't know why. Ha ha! The commercial after they leave has Hardcore Holly's music in the background.

Interview with Jeff Jarrett. Why do I feel like he's getting the belt back. Oh. He just guaranteed it by saying if he doesn't win he's fired. Damnit. Monty Brown shows up. I like how Shane Douglas looks really confused at everything Jeff says.

MATCH ALA SECONDBUTTER SANDWHICHES... POOF!

If somebody can tell me why Monty Brown comes to the ring wearing my Grandmother's leapord print minx, I'll give ya a dollar. Out first is THE ORIGINAL BOBBY LASHLEY. His opponent already in the ring is ON AMERICAN GLADIATORS, I GOT HIT WITH NERF BALLS. I don't catch his name, and don't have enough interest to rewind the tape. You know, I say that I'm only gonna do the weekend shows, and then I do this bullshit. I only do this because I love you all. More then brownies. Not as much as cookies.

Monty Brown hits the pounce, the crowd chants One More, so he does it again. Then they chant it again, so Monty does it again. Monty... if the crowd chanted "Jump Off A Bridge" would you do it? I hate Don West and Mike Tenay, by the way. Monty Brown pins the poor kid finally.

Rhino video package. Minimu, of fourteen "GORE!"s in the package.

AT LEAST THIS THIRD MATCH DOESN'T HAVE VISCERA

Six man tag-team action! First out is MY CHOKER IS GAY, BUT MY MOVES ARE NOT is Christopher Daniels. His partners are IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO ME, YOU CAN HEAR THE OCEAN and DO I HAVE TO SMACK A BITCH? is Alex Shelly and Samoa Joe. Their opponest are THE TEXAN GOD OF WAR Austin Aries, WHAT IS A PLAYA FROM THE HIMMILAYA? Sonjay Dutt and GREGORY HELMS'S TWIN BROTHER, AJ Styles.

Shelly and Aries to start. They really pimp Styles as there is a lock up and whip. Shelly hits a shoulderblock and a baseball kick on Aries. The crowd is having dueling Shelly and Aries chants it sounds like. I missed something that mad this a two count. Aries tags out to Dutt. Dutt is all hoppy, hits a takedown and some stupid ass elbow drop. Some more punchery as Shelly attempts to monkey arm drag Dutt to the ropes, but Dutt hits the ropes, flips backward and monkey arm drags Shelly instead. Dutt goes to the corner, holding onto Shelly's hand all cute like, and hits the flying elbow that Undertaker uses, only 3000 times faster. Dutt goes to teh ropes, but Shelly gets a kick and a backdrop suplex, and tags out to Samoa Joe. Samoa Joe shoots Dutt to the corner. Dutt hops up and attempts to hit a backwards cross body, but Samoa, in the coolest thing I have seen all week, just nonchalantly walks out of the way. That was fucking great. Joe picks Dutt up, shoots him to the corner and hits a big knee. He pulls Dutt back out and does it again. Daniels tags himself in, and puts the boots to Dutt. Daniels shoots Dutt to the ropes, but Dutt hits an armdrag, then goes to the turnbuckle sweet hurcanarana. Dutt tags out to Styles. Styles hits some arm drags on Daniels, then shoots him to the ropes for a drop kick. Daniels tags out to Samoa Joe. Joe and Styles face off. Joe kicks him in the leg. Both men to the ropes. Styles BARELY leapfrogs over Joe, lays down, pops up and hits a drop toe kick, then locks in a reverse bow. Dutt is in, and locks in an octopuss on Shelly, as Daniels is in, and eats some modified triangle hold from Aries. Everyone is in a submission move, and my roommate at this point yells from the other room "Dude! This is awesome!" No joke. Most everyone breaks the hold at once, leaving the legal men, Styles and Joe in the ring. Joe shot to the corner. Aries back in and shoots Styles into Joe. Aries runs and hits a drop kick. Shelly back in, eats an arm drag from Aries. Daniels in, and eats a back body drop. Daniels and Shelly back outside so Aries can hit the suicide dive on them both into the crowd barrier. Joe just kicks Aries out of the ring when he tries to get back in. Crowd chants Holy Shit.

Listen kids. Holy Shit is a chant when a man is tossed off of a cage through a table. Holy Shit is when a man comes off the turnbuckle and flies into the crowd and kills four spectators. Holy Shit is when a man jumps off a balconey and crashes a man through a table. Holy Shit is NOT a suicide dive. Stop chanting it like idiots at the wrong points. Now I have to rewind. Look what you made me do.

Joe goes outside, grabs Aries and rolls him back in the ring. Joe with a snapmare, a slap to the back and a kick to the face. Goes to the ropes and hits a knee drop for two. Joe locks in a headlock. Aries to his feet, elbows out and goes to teh ropes. Joe snap powerslams Aries to the mat. Ouch. That look sweet though. Joe tags out to Daniels. Daniels picks up Aries, and goes for abackdrop suplex, but Aries flps out. Daniels goes after Aries, misses and hits Joe off the apron. Shelly jumps in as Aries tags in Styles. Man... Daniels hits his partners alot. AJ with the hot tag stuff, clearing the heels out. Styles with a bunch of rights on Joe, but Joe no sells it and yells at AJ. AJ to thge ropes and hits a springboard fist drop. Shelly grabs AJ from behind, AJ flips it around and hits a German Suplex for a two count. Daniels breaks it up and hits a tiltawhirl backbreaker on AJ. Dutt in and hits that flip reverse neckbreaker thing he uses. Joe murders Dutt with a clothesline, then Aries hits a reversed Samoan Drop on Joe, basically taking Joe's head off.Aries goes up top. Shelly knocks him off the rope. Shelly then runs off and suicide dives Aries on the outside as everyone is down. The crowd then chants "TNA!" which I find acceptable. Holy Shit is NOT. AJ and Joe in the ring. Joe has AJ. Daniels to the ropes and attempt a knee lift, but AJ moves and Daniels hits Joe instead. If I was in TNA, I would NEVER tag with Daniels. Daniels grabs AJ, and Joe hits Daniels on accident this time. The two exchange words as AJ hits Daniels from behind, shoving him into Joe. AJ goes for the Styles Clash on Daniels, but Shelly is in and hits an enzerugi to break it up. Shelly has AJ up, but AJ reverses it into a rollup, then picks Shelly up and hits the Styles Clash for the pin for his team.

I hate the announcers. And I hate Larry Zybisko. Or however the fuck you spell his name.

Jeff Jarret video package

Interview with Rhino. Raven shows up. The Zybisko. I continue the fast forward.

THE FOURTH MATCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVED JEFF JARRETT

Well. Sort of. Out first is UGLY GIRLS IN THE FRONT ROW ARE NOT CANADIAN is Team Canada (Eric Young, Bobby Rude, with Scott D'Amore. Thier opponets are FLANEL DOES NOT COUNT AS TIE DYE OR CAMO, SO IT'S THE ONLY REDNECK COLOR SCHEME WE HAVE LEFT TO USE. is Team 3D, Devon and Bubba Ray. Which is what I will call them. I refuse to call them anything else. Bobby Rude and Devon to start, because Eric Young was too scared to do so. Punchery from Devon, leaves Rude into taking alternating shots between Devon and Bubba. Rude and Devon just jump up and over each other for awhile, until Devon hits a shoulderblock, bodyslam and leg drop for one. Rude is back in control somehow. I THINK people in the crowd are singing Oh Canada... I'm probably wrong. Tag in to Young. Young with some kicks to Devon. Young shoots Devon to the ropes, but Devon hits the spinning elbow and tags out to Bubba. Bubba in, hitting a bodyslam and three elbow drops. Bubba covers for two. Young reverses and lays in with some elbows. Young shoots Bubba to the corner and Bubba chops him to the mat. More chops, and Bubba hits a stalling suplex. Young with a rake of the eyes. Rude in for the double team whip. Bubba kicks Young in the shoulder and tosses Rude. Bubba grabs Young for the WASSUP Drop, but Rude shoves off Devon. Bubba over to attack Rude, but Young sneaks in with a shin kick to the head. We go to commercial.

And we are back with Rude in control of Devon in the ring. Rude choking him out, tag out to Young. Young chokes out Devon on the ropes, then tags back out to Rude. Rude with a snapmare and a reverse chokehold for the resthold. I smell a hot tag coming up. Devon powers back up, elbows out, and hits a powerslam and both men are down. Rude gets the tag to Young. Devon tags Bubba, but the ref doesn't see it. Magically... time fast forwards because 3LK shows up and Team 3D wins.

What of that do you think make me fast forward? Commercials.

Video package of the Ultimate X match. There are 42 points of contact and 82 more corners. Yep.

THE FIFTH MATCH IS ALWAYS RATED XXX.

Is this over yet? I mean, this is some damn fine wrestling, but COME ON.

Out first is PETEY GRIFFIN. That is Petey Williams. His opponent is HAIL SATAN! or Chris Saban. And their opponent is RATHER THEN DRIVING A BENTLEY, I'D DRIVE TRACCI is Matt Bentley. I don't feel that those nicknames were very inspired, but oh well. I'm gonna get me some Crispix. OH YEAH!

Best part? I went for Crispix two days ago, and here I am finishing this thing up. I walk REAL slow. Hey, closed captioning goes onto video when you record it! I never knew that. All three men in the ring, as Saban and Bentley double team Petey. They put the boots to him, but Bentley tries to climb for the X. Saban pulls him off, and that starts the two of them fighting. Exchanging blows, Bentley takes down Saban, and Petey clotheslines Bentley to the outside. Bentley attempts to climb, and Saban drop kicks him head first into the scaffolding. Saban goes up top, wedging Petey's head in the supports. Bentley comes up from behind, grabs Saban and hits a superplex. The crowd chants something, but I can't tell over the announcers having a heart attack. Oh wait, it's dueling "Let's Go Saban, Let's Go Petey" chants. Petey goes after Tracci, but Bentley is there to break it up. Saban goes for the X as everyone is distracted. Bentley climbs up after him, and hits a swinging neckbreaker off the top rope on Saban. "TNA" chant. Mostly because I'm an ECWite, I really hate some of these fat chicks in the front row with Jeff Hardy facepaint, trying to say they're hardcore by chanting, but I guess if their fans like them... sigh.

I somehow missed Petey getting back in the ring, and being placed in the Tree of Woe. He eats two drop kicks from Saban, who goes for the X, but Petey is able to hold onto Saban's foot. Petey is out, and the two exchange blows. Saban goes to the ropes, and Petey lays down to avoid the charge. Saban hits a suicide dive on Bently outside. Petey knocks Saban off the apron when he tries to come back in, then leaps over the ropes, and hits a botched head scissors on Saban as we go to commercial.

And.. roughly six hours later... I return from commercial. Why is it taking me so long to do this? I can do HEAT and Velocity back to back super fast. We return to see Petey "Gorilla" Williams climbing hand over hand for the X, but Bentley grabs the legs, and Saban hits a drop kick off the turnbuckle to take Petey down. Bentley with a running knee to Saban and some elbows. Bentley shots Saban to the corner, floats over to the apron, hits an elbow and an elbow fallaway on Saban. Bentley's turn up top, climbing for the X. Petey grabs him and hits a powerbomb. The X loses one of it's straps. The crowd starts chanting "Please Don't Fall" Petey watches it, then goes to the corner to climb, but Saban runs up behind him and hits a release flipping German suplex off the turnbuckle. Ouch. Bentley is first up, going up top and reaching for the wire, and climbing over to the X. Saban attempts to grab him, but Bentley pulls his feet up out of reach. HE'S A FRIGGIN GENIUS! Saban just jumps up and down like an idiot. Petey after Saban, but Saban picks up Petey for a powerbomb, but that puts Petey up high enough to get Bentley. Bentley hits a drop kick to Petey, who flips through and hurcanaranas Saban. Holy shit. "TNA" chant starts. IN MY ROOM! All three men down as the crowd claps to get them up. Bentley first up, with some punchery to Petey. Shoots Petey to the ropes, goes for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Petey floats through and hits a side Russian Legsweep. Nice. Petey is up, sizing up Bentley for new pants, goes for the Canadian Destroyer, but Bentley reverses. Shoots Petey to the corner, but Petey reverses and sends Bentley. Petey to the ropes, and Bentley stops him with a super kick. Saban picks up Bentley for Cradle Shock, Bentley comes out of it, goes for a superkick. Saban catches the leg, sweeps him around and hits the Cradle Shock. Saban up to the rope, climbing for it, but it looks like Saban's arm is hurt, not allowing him to go further. Petey is up, grabs Saban's legs, pulls him down into an atomic drop, then hits the Candian Destroyer. Tenay: "That move is sick." Damn you Tenay for making me agree with you. Bentley is up, climbing for the X, but D'More is in. Tracci is in, and we have a... catfight? They roll around, then break themselves up and leave the ring. Petey is up on the ropes with Bentley. Petey low blows Bentley, knocking him off, and gets the X.

That match warranted the continuous screaming by the announcers. That is the only match that warrants such treatment.

Backstage, Team Canada beats down Team 3D. Commercials.

AND NOW, FOR THE MAIN EVENTAH! No main event promos here. Yet, I guess. Unless I forgot about one. Screw you. OMG! I'm gonna have this done TONIGHT! Only 1 week after it first aired! Awesomeness is mine.

Out first is KING OF THE UNIVERSE, SO BRING ME TO YOUR LEADER is Jeff Jarrett. Eugene's twin brother that looks nothing like Eugene is in the front row chanting Rhino by himself. You can guess why they're brothers. And now out is I CAN LOSE THE NWA BELT FASTER THEN IT TAKES TO TYPE THIS SEN... oops... SEE? is NWA Champion Rhino. Big Rhino chant. Commercial.

We are back and they circle, lockup and Jarrett gets an arn wringer, but Rhino powers out, and they go through the standard you lay down and I'll run over you, where Jarrett gets a drop kick to take Rhino down. Going to another lockup, but Rhino kicks him to the midsection and chops him around for awhile. Jarrett reverses a whip and hits a drop toe kick, and slaps Rhino in the head from behind. Fuck you Jarrett. Jarrett struts, so Rhino attacks him, hits a military press, goes for the Gore, but Jarrett bails in time. Rhino outside as we brawl around the ring. Rhino tosses Jarrett over the crowd barrier, and Rhino follows as we continue to brawl through the crowd. Some kid holds up a chair for Rhino to hit Jarrett with. THIS ISN'T EC FUCKING W! Rhino knows this too, and slaps the chair away. This arena is way too pretty to be ECW. Rhino puts Jarrett on the announce table so he can yell at Jarrett. Rhino leaves him there, and goes under the ring for a table. Jarrett wakes up from his nap, and hit Rhino. Both men back in the ring, as Jarrett comes out with a flurry of punches. Rhino hits Jarrett, goes to the top and teases a piledriver off the top. Gail Kim jumps on the apron, distracts Rhino, Rhino spits on Gail, and Jarrett shoves Rhino off the top. We are BACK outside the ring with more brawking. Jarrett drops Rhino face first to the crowd barrier, then goes and argues with the 14 year old referee. Isn't it a school night? Both men back in the ring, as Jarrett chokes Rhino out on the ropes. Jarrett jacks Rhino with a punch to the face, then shoots Rhino to the corner hard. Jarrett shoots Rhino to the corner, then gets a small bearhug on Rhino, who powers out. Jarrett hits a knee to take Rhino down for a two count. Jarrett goes to the reverse chokehold as the crowd cheers Rhino on. Rhino reverses a whip to the ropes and hits a samoan drop. Best thing about this match? Gail Kim is Hawt. She needs to do Playboy. Or me. Or both. Both men down as the ref counts. Both men back up at... I lost count. Rhino blocks some punches for a few of his own. Rhino with a clothesline, and another, then a shoulderblock into th corner. Jarrett hits a kick to Rhino on a charge, taking the champ down. Jarrett goes for the figure four, and Rhino is in trouble. Rhino is able to turn it over. Gail Kim is to the top turnbuckle, and jumps off for a leg drop, but Rhino rolls out of the way and she misses. Rhino grabs Gail and picks her up to toss her through the table. The ref stops him, and Jarrett rolls Rhino up for two. Jarrett hits a knee, and covers for a two count with his boots on the ropes. Rhino is up, and hits a spinebusted on Jarrett for two. Both men back up, Jarrett with some punchery, but Rhino hits a belly to belly suplex. Rhino signals for the Gore. Jarrett getting up. Jarrett side steps it, and Rhino hits the corner. Jarrett attempts to shoot Rhino to the corner, but Rhino reverses and hits the ref. Jarrett gets the guitar, but misses and Rhino hits the Gore. Rhino has the guitar as AMW comes down ringside. Rhino swings the guitar, but misses. Jarrett low blows Rhino, and AMW hits the Death Sentance on Rhino through the table outside. They roll Rhino back in, and Jarrett hits The Stroke for the three count. And Jeff Jarrett is your new NWA Champion. I turn off the tape and burn it.

FINAL THOUGHTS: . You know, the guy seemed to be over with the crowd here. Why not have let him run with it? And I really DO hate it when guys lose the belt, and just get it back a few days later. It cheapens the belt, in my opinion, and is just a way for someone to say they are a 10 Time Champ or whatever. I hated this title change about as much as I hated Triple H getting stripped of the belt, and then just winning right back in an Elimination Chamber. It made no sense. This makes no sense. For all that TNA can do right, they really seem to be able to fuck up their main event title scene really easily. They took that belt off of Raven, who was doing a fine job and gave it to Jarrett. And then they did this. At least the WWE keeps the belt on their guys for more then a few months. In fact, I'm so pissed at this (a week after it happened) that I'm gonna do some quick research. The NWA Belt... wait. Ken Shamrock was champ? Huh. Anyway, Jeff Jarrett held the belt from the begining of the year until May. Since then, it has gone to AJ Styles, to Raven, back to Jarrett, to Rhino, and back to Jarrett. In the WWE, Cena won the WWE Championship in April, and has held it ever since. He beat JBL for it. The World Heavyweight Championship was held up, Triple H won it in a stupid move, and then Batista beat Triple H for it in April. So, the WWE has had, if you combine them, 2 title changes and 4 different people hold their TWO big belts. TNA has had FIVE title changes, and 4 different people hold it. So 2 belts have had less changes then 1 belt. You want to invest in someone? Have them win that belt, and HOLD it. In fact, now that they have Christian, at the PPV this Sunday, have him win it in his debut, and hold that thing FOR MORE THEN A FRIGGIN MONTH. He's gonna be way over as a face. He can beat Jarrett for the belt, then have Team Canada come out and beat down Jarrett, siding with their Canadian brother. Have Jarrett go away for awhile.

Sadly, Chritian will probably be Jarrett's newest bodyguard..... Sigh....