01/28 VELOCITY REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: So, we had a center meeting tonight at 6PM. I got off work at 3PM. So... I come home, change out of my work clothes, and sit down to watch some TV. I remember thinking "Man, I am SO comfortable" and the next thing I know, it's 10PM and the dog is trying to wake me up. So... I missed the very first center meeting. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. What does this mean for all of you? If I get fired tomorrow for some oddball reason, I'll have plenty of time to recap every single wrestling show known to man before I finally go insane and commit suicide by hanging myself with my keyboard cord.

BRAD LIKES
Chess
Boobies
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Beer
Kareokee
Smackdown Vs. RAW 2006
Recapping stuff.

PRE VELOCITY: Please Lord... HEAT didn't change. Let Velocity not change as well, and continue to be a good show. Oh yeah, Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble. Sweet. John Cena won back the WWE Title. Fucking Cena. Oh yeah, and to further show why I didn't buy the show, Viscera fucked Matt Hardy in the middle of the ring and eliminated him. And Triple H eliminated Kane AND Big Show. At the same time. It's all about the game, bitches.

Oh, and there's word on the street that Rey won't even GET the title shot at Wrestlemania. Which if that's true, it's fucking bullshit. You win the rumble, you go to WM. End of story. If you wanted to have Orton/Angle at WM22, fine. Then Orton should have won the Rumble. It's fucking retarded to have the winner of the Rumble not have jack shit to do. I'm so angry, I feel like I'm watching HEAT.

OPENING MATCH

I've got this thing muted. Mostly because I don't care about the commentary at the moment, and I'm also watching Law and Order. No.. not anymore. Cause the fucking dog has to go fucking outside. I saw a fucking cat take a shit on a toilet. LEARN HOW TO DO IT YOU FUCKING DOG. I'll be back.

And I'm back. I swear, this dog has the worst fucking timing on when he has to go outside. He needs to go out whenever I get on the phone, or somebody gets me on IM that I actually respond to... damn everything. Out first is BLACK LESNAR. His opponent, already in the ring is I HAVE A BADDITUDE. He is Brad Attitude. Lashley is all hoppy cause he's Black Lesnar. Lockup, Brad shows his bad attitude and kicks Lashley. Lashley is all RAWR and shoots him to the corner, then hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Lashley picks up Brad, but Brad hits a back elbow. Lashley grabs him by the leg and hits a modified capture suplex, then picks him up and holds him up for a suplex for a full minute before slamming him. Lashley in the corner, comes out and spears Brad, then beats his chest. That's racist. Brad back up, Lashley hits the Dominator for the three count. You know, if they just have Lashley do shit like that, destroy jobbers for the rest of the year, and slowly work up to squashing the mid-card as well, they might have something with him. He definitely has a Goldberg-esqe quality to him. They just need to stop getting him involved with the main event guys, cause they're just gonna make him look bad.

THE SECOND MATCH, UH PROMO, UH... I HAVE NO IDEA.

We open up with I FORGOT HER NAME interviewing OPEN CHALLENGES MEAN I WILL LOSE. They are that black chick interviewer I forgot what her name was, and Kid Kash. He says he has a Cruiserweight Invitational at the Royal Rumble, which pretty much means he's gonna lose. And... he did. To Gregory Helms.

We go back to our match. Out first is DOUBLE YOUR TROUBLE is Gymini and Simon Dean. They are taking on JOBBER MCJOBBER and FAT JOBBER MCJOBBER. Jason Jones and Dinti Moore. I have no idea with is which. Gymini destroy them in the beginning, and... do these two guys have seperate names? I'm gonna call them B1 and B2. B1 chokes out Jones on the ropes (I THINK Jones is the fat jobber), tags in B2. B2 hip tosses Jason in the ring, then tags in B1. B1 just beats him down, and apparently Simon Dean stole Bill Alfonso's gimmick and just stands around blowing his whistle over and over ringside. B1 continues to beat down Jason until he gets a tag to Dinti, however the hot tag fails and B1 hits a swinging neckbraker. Tag in to B2, they then come in and throw Dinti eighty feet in the air for a slam. I'm not kidding. It was eighty feet. That gets a three count, and they slam Jason for good measure too, then pick up Simon for no reason.

LORD KNOWS WE NEED MORE RECAPS BEING RECAPPED

We have a video package of the Angle Vs. MNM match from Smackdown. It has Mark Henry, so I click on "Close Window."

YOUR MAIN EVENTAH! RECAP

Hey, a match. Out first is YEAH, THESE MASKS WILL HELP OUR CAREERS. They are Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Their opponents are WILL LOSE AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE and WILL LOSE AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE, Y'ALL. They are Kid Kash and Jamie Noble. When the fuck did Jamie Noble show back up on Smackdown? Kendrick and Noble to start. Circle and a test of strength. They then say "fuck it" and lockup instead. Noble punches Kendrick down, then chops him in the corner. Punch to Kendrick, then a headlock and some punches. Noble shoots him to his corner and tags in Kash. It takes me five times to type Kash for some reason. Kash stomps on Kendrick, then hits some knees to the face. Tag in to Noble and more knees. Aren't these people Cruiserweights? Noble attempts to smash Kendrick in the corner, it's reversed, punchery ensues, tag in to London, Kendrick hits a hip toss on Noble, then hip tosses London on top of Noble. Kash in and eats a hip toss. London tosses Kendrick at Kash and Noble, hitting a double drop kick and taking them outside. Kendrick and London both up top, and both hit flying cross-bodies on Kash and Noble outside. Noble and London back in, Oklahoma Roll by London gets a two count. London goes to the ropes a bunch of times to hit Noble with knees. London hits a suplex for a two count. London in the corner, reversed by Noble and some chops and shoulder thrusts ensue. London up top, but the ref is distracted by shiny objects in Kendrick's pants, and Kash dumps London outside. Kendrick back to his corner, and Kash just beats the fuck out of London and rolls him in. Kendrick watches for no reason. Noble covers London for two. Noble with more kickery and a cover for two. Noble with a headlock chokehold. London powers up, hits some elbows and big rights. To the ropes, but Noble stops it with a running knee. Tag in to Kash and Kash hits a bunch of elbow drops, then slams London on the mat a bunch of times. Kash shoves Kendrick so he can NOT cheat and just kick London some more. Cover for two. London attempts to get a tag, but Kash pulls him back and kicks him some more, then covers for a two. Tag in to Noble. Noble with kickery and some leg drops for a two count. Noble has a crossface chickenwing on London. London powers up, punches out, shoves Noble in his corner, elbows both Kash and Noble. Tag in to Kash and Kash locks in a crossface and hits some forearms to the face. Kash back to a recliner chokehold. Kendrick is all uppity in his corner. Kash now is just slapping London in the face. London punches, but it doesn't work. Tag in to Noble. Noble with a scoopslam and an elbow drop for a two count. Noble with a front choke. London attempting to get to his corner, gets the tag, but the ref didn't see it so he tells Kendrick to get the fuck out of Dodge. Kash is in, but the ref doesn't throw HIM out like he did Kendrick, just asks if he tagged. Kash is all "Sure I did!" and the ref allows it. Fucking idiots. Kash with more punchery and kickery. This is a long fucking match with all these kicks. London shoots Kash to the corner, but Kash does a backflip over him as London charges in. London misses a punch and eats afrontdrop suplex. Tag in to Noble. Noble misses a splash in the corner, and London goes for the tag and gets it. Kendrick clears house with lots of clotheslines. After 19 clotheslines, Kendrick hits a dropkick to Kash, but gets hit with a sweet powerslam by Noble for two, broken up by London. Kash tosses out London, they shoot Kendrick to the ropes, London pulls Kash outside. Kendrick jumps up on Noble shoulders, London hits a dropkick on them to get Kendrick to roll up Noble for a two count. Kash hits London. Kendrick drop kicks Kash. Noble clotheslines Kendrick. Kash is outside. London is tossed outside. Kendrick charges Noble and is dumped on the apron. Noble to the ropes, and Kendrick flips over Noble and now Noble is outside. Kash hits Kendrick with the CW Belt, but nobody is up. Kash rolls Noble in. Noble locks in a rear-naked choke on the passed out Kendrick for the win.

FINAL THOUGHTS: That was alot of punches and kicks.