10/01/2005 Velocity





BLOGGING IT UP: Hey hey! Velocity posts in the morning! Awesome. That means I can rebeak this shit now, and not be tempted to rebeak it drunk late tonight/tomorrow morning when I'm drunk. Way to go WWE! My tax dollars are at work... WTF?

PRE VELOCITY: Now, HEAT had their matches with the main event at the bottom of the screen, and Velocity has it where the main event is at the top. Pick one. It's like here in Illinois they have that stupid I-Pass thing on the tolls. They double the fucking tolls on us, but kept it the same if you had I-Pass. I don't have I-Pass. So now, rather then paying less then a dollar to go from my house to Chicago, I'm up to almost two bucks. One way. Both ways, and you have yourself like... 1/4 gallon of gas. Wait... that math doesn't work. Fuck you, Math! Always naysaying. Wait, what did the toll thing have to do with anything? Oh yeah! Some of the tollbooths have the I-Pass lanes on the left, and the manned and money tolls on the right. Well... a few of them have the I-Pass thing in the MIDDLE. THE MIDDLE!!! This isn't Malcom. Hell, I think I spelled his name wrong. But I-Pass should not be in the middle with me. It should be on the left, or at the back of the bus. Wait... wrestling...

OPENING MATCH RECAP
When I click on these links, it tells me it is Acquiring a License. Sit back and let the WWE drive. Josh Matthews isn't old enough yet. He still has his learners. And Steve Romero isn't legal yet. Ask JBL. Which we then kick RIGHT off into SMALLER LATINO BILL DEMOTT, BUT NOT REALLY and DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY are your announcers. Steve Romero and Josh Matthews. Basically, this is a recap, with some more shitty music just like it's big brother HEAT, of the Batista/Eddie Vs. MNM match. Batista and Eddie should be called Snickers. One of them is gooey carmel, and one is nuts. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE! No way I'm play by playing this. They show Eddie apologizing to Batista for the week before, for winning the match. Lots of hugging that if my buddies walked in right now, they would accuse me of being gay. Wait... now it's Batista/Eddie Vs. LOD2005. I got my weeks of Smackdown confused. Eddie hits Batista with a chair, Eddie blames Mercury... Batista kills Mercury. My mom told me not to play with Mercury. You get sick. Fuck this.

2ND MATCH IN SOME SORT OF REVERSE ORDER
Recap of Simon Dean getting his ass handed to him by that huge black man. I already forgot hsi name. Stacy Keibler is the ring announcer? Dat's not cool. Simon rides his Simon-mobile to the ring. God, he's alot of purple. It is GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T WANT BLACK PEOPLE TO TAKE THE SIMON SYSTEM vs. JOBBER MCJOBBERTON. Bobby Lasher? That's the huge black man's name? Ok. Oh yeah! He got a jobber match on Smackdown. But the veteran gets a jobber match on Velocity. Lots of arm wringing so far from Robby Donner (So says Matthews. Do not tell him otherwise.) But Simon is able to get the upper hand, take him down and put the boots to him, then his a springboard stomp to the head. Simon has Robby down, attempting to lock in the sharpshooter? Nope... similar to an Indian Surfboard, but Simon doesn't roll back. I guess he doesn't do pillates either. Simon fucking SMASHES Robby's head to the mat. Kicks him alot as Robby goes to the ropes. I'd laugh my ass off if Simon hit the 619. Simon witha Russian Leg-Sweep for his comrade in the ring. Simon locks Robby in a rolling bodylock, modified. Wowza that looks gay. Thank God I'm alone. Now THAT sounded gay. Simon must realize it to, because he breaks the hold. Robby attempts a roll up for a no count. Robby to the ropes, attempts a sunset flip, doesn't work, so he slams Simon head first to the mat. Robby goes for the sunset flip again, for a two count. Simon with a scoop slam, and he checks his pulse. Matthews yelling about how Simon's hand may not be working. Totally gay match. I say, AWESOME. Robby all groggy. Simon with a.. washback? Is that what it's called? It's that goofball neckbreaker that Sean O'Hare used to use. Man, my memory of calling some of the more.. um... different moves sucks this weekend. Usually I get them. Match ends with Simon's music playing and he rides into the sunset. Or the wall. Either or.

3RD MATCH THAT I CLICKED ON
Uh oh. It's a tag match... and... WTF? NOW I get the beginning of Velocity music? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WWE!?!?! MESSING WITH MY HEAD! HOW DARE YOU! The Velocity opening shows the footage of when the NWO crushed Rock or Hogan or someone with a truck. Which is funny because none of them will ever be on Velocity, much less Smackdown. And seriously, why in God's name is this the second match listed from the top, third from the bottom, but is OBVIOUSLY the opening bout? I'm writing a letter.

To even more enfuriate my sense of order, is our specail announcer for the evening I HAVE SOME HOT ASS PICTURES ON THE WRESTLECRAP MESSAGEBOARD. Looking hot, yet conservative tonight. She's in the office. Stacy Keibler starts out asking the crowd "Who wants to spend a night with ME?" Velocity is going to tease me. Hey! A bunch of fatties in the crowd get all worked up. SHE DIDN'T MEAN YOU! Simon Dean needs to start working the crowd and selling his stuff. OH... IT WAS A CON! A Conway... Bitch. She says it's cause we're gonna spend the night with her. Wait... it's noon here. And the lies keep coming.

Out first is NOBODY ASKS ME FOR PIZZA HERE and THEY GOT RID OF STAMBOLI FOR ME? I'M THE "F" IN FBI vs. PAC-MAN FEARS ME and I WAS SPANKYING IT IN THE BACK. For those of you that have no idea, Nunzio and Big Veto Vs. Paul London and Brian Kendrick, who USED to be Spanky... why am I explaining this again? HA HA. Kendrick and London race to the ring. Kendrick wins. PLAY HIS MUSIC! You know what I like about this online? I'm taking a break to go eat a hot dog. You don't care. Meany.

And... I'm back. Matthews and Romero talking all sexily about Stacy. Then Matthews says Benoit all funny. London and Nunzio to start. Lockup. Nunzio with a headlock. Nunzio to the ropes, and London trips him up. London all jumpy, stompy. Tag to Kendrick. London whips Nunzio to the ropes and monkey drags him down. London monkey drags Kendrick on top of Nunzio for two. Kendrick puts Nunzio into the turnbuckle. Whip is reversed. Kendrick floats over Nunzio, then hits a back bodydrop. Punchery to ensue. Nunzio to the ropes, stoped with a dropkcik. Kendrick to the turnbuckle, and jumps off for the high flying cross-body. I thought top rope moves were banned? Cover on Nunzio for two. Both men up and to the ropes . Nunzio distracts the ref for a cheap shot by Vito on Kendrick. Clothesline from Nunzio. Tag to Vito. $10 to me. Send in unmarked bills. Vito looks like Nathan Jones with a big nose and not as shitty. Or more. Vito puts Kendrick the corner and slaps the shit out of him, cause he hates the little people. Vito takes Kendrick's head off with a clothesline, then give him back his head. Tag to Nunzio. Double team arm drag and elbow drop. It was cute, they joined hands. Heelish double team putting the boots to Kendrick as the ref discusses poetry with London. Kendrick fighting back on Nunzio, trying for the hot tag. Makes it, and pulls Nunzio into a forearm from London. London to the second turnbuckle for a Mushroom stomp. Shades of Toad. London with a few punches, then kicks that he stole from Tajiri for a two count. Whip reversed and Nunzio gets a knee lift. London with a pancake for two, broken up by Vito. Vito tries to toss Kendrick outside, but Kendrick hits a snake eyes. THATS THE NAME! I REMEMBER NOW! Romero "London with the counter" Huh? Only JR can call people different names. Everyone in that ring is Jericho. Kendrick back on the apron to get knocked off by Vito as London gets the crowd to count his mounted punches on Nunzio. London yells alot. Him and Warrior should be a tag-team. The Immortal Shouting Tassles. I would like to apologize for the crappiness of that joke. London jumps off of Nunzio to hit a back elbow on Vito, but he merely grazes his arm like paper, and Vito falls 15 feet out of the ring. London with a cover for two. London all angry. Punchery. Nunzio sweeps the legs out from under London for a cover. Vito puts his foot up Nunzio's ass to help the heelish cover for three. I... really didn't make that part up at all. London all angry. Grr!

YOUR MAIN EVENTAH!
DUM, DUM, DUUUUMMMMMM is out first. Stacy just said that Regal is from Blackhole? Or Blackpool. I'm too lazy to click and rewind. Regal's robe = Awesome. Very magestic. Too bad he's gonna get fucked up. Matthews pimping Homecoming as THEY CALL ME THE 30 SECOND MAN... IN BED! is a blatant fortune cookie reference that nobody will think is funny. This is for da belt, homes. Regal and Benoit circle, and Regal is all shy. Benoit goes for the cross-face early, but Regal gets to the ropes. More circling. They tease holding hands, then go for the test of strength, but Regal kicks Benoit to the midsection and hits a sweet arm drag. Both men back up, and Regal has a standing armbar, takedown for a two count. Didn't work the first time, so let's do it again. It doesn't work. Benoit monkey flips Regal over, then flips over on top of Regal, and Benoit just fucking punches the shit out of Real. Headbutt.. Headbutt... Headbutt... they are both to their feet. headbutt. Headbutt. Headbutt... Chickenbutt. What? Headbutt. Canadian violence with some chops. Benoit hits Regal again, and Regal just cowers in the corner and kicks at Benoit trying to keep him away. I don't blame him. I'd bring a gun to the ring if I had to face Benoit. Benoit with a German. I took a break, and went to Kareokee. I am so far impressed with my drunken typing, as normally I suck alot of the ass at the typing when drunk. Wait... did I miss TNA Impact tonight? Fucking A. I didn't record it. Fuck all of you. And your sister. Please. I guess I'll just have to watch it Monday, with the other fourteen hours of wrestling on that day... Good thing I quit my job yesterday, otherwise I'd have to call in sick....

I guess I should finish this match, cause lord knows I am gonna use alot more f bombs then normal. Drunken rebeaks rock. Fucky A. Don't ask what that means. I click play again, and I get audio, which comes back to Benoit hitting a baseball slide to Regal on the outside, then Regal hitting a capture suples to the outside. Ouch. That deserves a fucking replay. Fucky A. Both men back in, and Regal is in charge, putting the boots, and racking the knee. Regal stretches the left leg as Benoit grunts like Candians doo. Benoit is wearing yellow. I just noticed that. Benoit yells as Regal shoves his forearm in his face and continues to wretch the leg. Matthews also notices. What a smart boy. Benoit back up, as Regal continues to hold the leg. Benoit attempts a spin kick, but misses and Regal just wretches that leg right back on the mat and tosses his forearm in Benoit's face. Benoit back up, but Regal again sends him to the mat. This time introducing his knee to Benoit's face. Benoit and Regal's knee make plans to go see a movie later, as Regal flips Benoit over and continues to wretch that knee. "Let's Go Benoit" chant starts up. You ever wonder if the pipe certain chants in to get the crowd to do it? Or you think they put something in the Fourteen Dollar Beers they sell? Fucking communist bastards. I blame Canada. For everything. What the fuck am I talking about? Oh yeah. Regal has released the hold, and Benoit back up, but Regal just grabs that leg again, Dragon Leg Drags him over, and wretches it again. Regal picks Benoit up for a backbreaker, then puts some knees to Benoit's ass. Matthews believes that Regal is working the hamstring. I don't remember any biology from school, so I'll take his word for it. Benoit somehow, slowly reverses this all back into the Crossface, but Regal gets to the ropes, breaks it up, gets up, and hits some knees to the head. Regal then with a Fisherman's suplex for two. Shades of Perfect. Regal attempts another pinfall, getting another two count. Benoit somehow gets up as Regal... I rewinded. Regal picked Benout up. Benoit hits a spinning heal kick, then a full nelson suplex. BEAUTIFUL! Benoit locks in the Crossface, and Regal taps like a little girl. Hit Benoit's music as Stacy, who in my drunken state looks so hot, I might search for her picture online, as Regal bails out of the ring and Velocity, in all it's out of orderness... ends.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I wonder if KFC is still open?