10/15/2005 VELOCITY REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: So... one of my best friends is home from college for the weekend, Dan. Dan's done with school in a month and a half, but it's still nice to have him home. Him and The Son of our Trinity, Jason, are coming over today so we all can sit around, get wasted and watch White Sox and some football. And then Kareokee again tonight! So... I figured I'd better get this done now, while I could still type sober and without getting mocked for watching "Gay Stuff on Gay Sites." Apparently, both of them are homophobes.

PRE VELOCITY: THEY DID IT! Shane reads my stuff! We have CLEAR cut main event link in the same spot as HEAT, not in the opposite spot! YES! Finally, finally I can rebeak this start to finish in some sort of order. I'm still kind of pissed I missed Smackdown this week, cause I still have no idea what the Shane Twins look like. They probably look alike. Someone else online refered to them as mini-Benoits. So I imagine toothless Keibler Elves. But that's just me... This card looks... wow. Really good.

Apparently when you're downloading a movie AND performing a System Scan for virus/spyware, Velocity loads a little slower. Go figure.

No Mercy recap. Wow... Christie looked hot. Eddie = Awesome. But why in the hell do you NOT show the Main Event last? No... they show the Ortons lighting Undertaker on fire, and actual people in shock. There's a girl crying. FUCKING CRYING. Are you kidding me?

OPENING MATCH RECAP

I SNACK ON SHAKES I DINE ON CHEESEBURGERS is Simon Dean. We show A WHITE STEVE ROMERO and a HISPANIC JOSH MATTHEWS as Simon gets on the mic and runs down that he had to eat cheeseburgers. You know, I might puke if I had to eat 20 cheeseburgers too. Simon: "If I didn't have my Simon System, I would have turned into a fat, disgusting loser like you guys..." How would 20 cheeseburgers make you THAT fat? CHEESEBURGERS GIVE ME THE ENERGY TO RUN LIKE AN IDIOT TO THE RING is Paul London. London apparently stores his cheeseburgers in a yellow t-shirt, cause he brought one out and ate it in front of Dean. Dean apparently is angry, cause now he's addicted to them. Simon charges and eats a knee and a couple arm drags. Simon shoots London to the corner, but London floats over and hits another arm drag. London with 356 arm wrenches, then continues to lock it in as Simon puts him on the ropes and gives London a knee lift to break the hold. Simon shoots London to the ropes, attempts a... something. London slides under whatever the hell Simon was doing and hits a belly to belly suplex. Shoots Simon to the corner. Attempts a splash but is tossed over the ropes by Simon to the apron. Simon smashes London's head to the corner to a chorus of boos. Hear them on key! Simon talks some smack, throws the burger back at London and rolls him inside to put the boots to him in the corner. London hits a kick to the midsection and a sunset flip for two. Simon attempts to grab London, but London hits low a few times. Romero: "London goes downstairs, pounding away at that breadbasket." London is fresh out of buns for his burgers. Simon takes London down, hits a few kicks to the back, and locks in a bow and arrow. Simon then just smashes London's head to the mat hard. Simon in control with an adomable stretch. London with some knees to the head to break the hold. London with MORE kicks on Simon. London channels Tajiri, and then hits a couple clotheslines and a spinning kick to take Simon down. London: "Raaaarrrr!" Me: "Aaaahhh!" My dog put his toungue in my ear. Simon attempts to shoot London in the ropes, reversal and a few stick kicks takes Simon down for a two count. London shoots Simon into the corner, but reversal. Simon misses the blind charge and eats a mushroom stomp. Love them Mushroom burgers, my man! London hits a dropsault for a two count that everyone in the arena is angry about. London attempts a standing shoot star press??? Wowza. But he hits the cast apparently, and Simon hits the Simonizer for the three count. Where's Tank Abbot?

ANOTHER MATCH! NO RECAP!

I KASHED IN MY TNA CHECK FOR THESE NEW TIGHTS is Kid Kash. Even has music that sounds like Kid Rock. He even gets a promo to introduce himself? And he gets to beat SMACKDOWN NUMBA ONE FAHEVA. Funaki. They lock up and Funaki gets an arm wringer. Kash reverses it for one of his own, but Funaki reverses it for a headlock. Remember Cruiserweights... less is more! Kash gets a headlock of his own. Funaki shoots Kash to the ropes and hits a dropkick, then locks in another headlock on the mat for a two count. Again. Kash powers up and hits a knee lift. Whip to the ropes is reversed and Kash hits a head whip takedown for a one count. Kash throws punches around like they're dolla dolla bills, y'al. You think they'll send Kash to Deep South to get rid of his Southern accent? THAT would make sense. Funaki with another headlock, shoots Kash to the ropes. Funaki hops over, and Kash hits a backflip kick called the Bank Roll that looks pretty sweet. Apparently Kash is gonna be a heel, cause he's all heely in his yelling at the poor ref. Kash with a snapmare and kick to the back, then locks in a read naked choke. He tells the crowd to shut up, because they weren't saying anything. So they clap. The love to shut up. Kash and Funaki exchange some punches. Kash reverses a whip, jumps behind Funaki and hits a sweet reverse neckbreaker to his knee. Kash locks in an arrowlock. Funaki powers out, shoots Kash to the ropes and hits a dropkick cause... we haven't had enough rest holds/spots yet. Both men up at six. Funaki attempts to whip Kash to the corner, but there's a reversal. Kash eats a boot from Funaki and some punches. Funaki shoots Kash to the ropes for a back body drop. Funaki hits the bulldog for a two count. Funaki jumps around like those crazy Asians are wont to do. Funaki up top to hit a high cross-body for a two count. Matthews: "Funaki feeds off these great Velocity fans." Where my dogs at? Funaki? (toe tapping to start here.) Kash hits a sweet moonsault off the top rope on Funaki as I type jibberish. Matthews mentions that Kash was at the ECW: ONS PPV. Everyone take a drink! Kash shoots Funaki to the corner, but eats an elbow and a slap. Funaki has Kash, going for the tornado DDT, but Kash grabs Funaki off the rope and hits... that's the Money Clip, right? He has Funaki on his shoulders and drops down so his shoulder hits Funaki's head. It gets a three count. Seriously... where the hell is Tank Abbot?

I like Kid Kash. I didn't really like this match. I chalk it up to someone telling him not to do some stuff somewhere. Blame Vince. It's all his fault. DO IT! Benoit has an interview backstage, but I kind of glazed over it, cause he talks about Booker T and Sharmel, who I also glaze over. They're both donuts to me. Chocolate donuts. I'm going to hell.

BUTWAIT... THIS ISN'T A MATCH! I'VE BEEN CONNED!

MORE COMMERCIALS!!! ARG!!! That's ok. We are back with The Rome and Matthews. We have a recap of Eddie and Orton from Smackdown. Allow me to express my thoughts in the form of two words...

Close Window.

You didn't miss much. It lasted less then 2 minutes, and was all just recap stuff.

FINALLY... YOUR MAIN EVENTAH!

MY ROBE CAN'T DECIDE IF IT'S A ROBE OR GAY. PROBABLY GAY. is Sylvan. We get a recap of Sylvan attacking Bob Holly. Speaking of which out is THE GREATEST HARDCORE CHAMPION OF ALL TIME who clotheslines Sylvan outside and chops him REAL stiff, knocking him into the crowd. Holly rolls back in the ring to break the count. Holly chops Sylvan some more and rolls him back in the ring. More chopping, which isn't getting alot of Woo!s so.. I refuse to call them Woo Chops. Unless Funaki was doing them. Yep. Going to hell am I. Holly shoots Sylvan to the corner and hits a clothesline. Sylvan rolls outside, Holly chases. Sylvan runs back in the ring and hits a drop kick to take Holly down. Sylvan goes outside and rams Hardcore in the corner of the ring. No... that was NOT sexual innuendo. Sylvan rolls him back in and hits a knee drop. Holly chant starts? Fuck you fans. Sylvan locks in a headlock, cause it's all the rage with the kids. Holly reaches the ropes, so Sylvan breaks the hold and hits some stomping. Sylvan picks Holly up and whips him to the corner, then lays in more stomping. Is Holly just napping on the mat? Sylvan with a backdrop suplex for a two count. Holly is a sleep kicker. Holly with more chops, but Sylvan knocks him down for a two count. Sylvan grabs the legs and hits low. Drags Holly into the middle of the ring and attempts to lock in the Walls of Jericho. FUCK YOU SYLVAN! FUCK YOU IN THE EAR! Holly reaches for the ropes, but Sylvan drags him back in the middle of the ring. The only crappy thing about watching this, is I KNOW that this won't end it, because there's too much time left on this match. Holly continues to crawl for the ropes, and finally... somehow... Matthews told you to do it! And he does. Holly reaches the ropes, and Sylvan, because he's a shitty heel, immediately breaks the hold and leaves Holly alone. Even Matthews is screaming that Sylvan should be attacking right now. Sylvan picks him up and shoots Holly to the ropes, but eats a The Best Dropkick In The Business. Holly is magically fine again, hitting a half nelson slam on Sylvan for a two count. Both men slow to get up. Sylvan counters a whip with a knee lift, picks up Holly and shoots him to the ropes, hitting a pancakge. Sylvan kips up, almost falling back down. The crowd boos. So do I. Sylvan picks Holly up for a suplex, but Holly wiggles down and rolls Sylvan up for the three count. Sylvan is angry... RAWR! He goes outside for a chair, but the ref grabs the chair away frmo him, so Holly can hit the Alabama Slam on Sylvan onto the chair. Play his music twice!

Does anyone else miss New Jack wrestling his entire match to his music?

FINAL THOUGHTS: I am starving. I need a cheeseburger. Or I'll eat a dropkick.