10/21/05 VELOCITY REBEAK





BLOGGING IT UP: So Friday night my buddies Pat, Dale and I went to go see Doom. I was the only wrestling fan in the bunch, so I wasn't expecting them to be all "DUDE IT'S DA ROCK." But they still were. I thought that the movie captured the Doom theme of keeping me on the verge of a heart attack for about half the movie. This had the classic points in any video game/horror movie for ME. It had a plethora of scenes where I could say out loud "Why don't they just fucking shoot every single one of them in the head NOW?" The movie was sort of taking any zombie movie, Predator, Aliens, throw in a Rock heel turn, stir and you have this movie. Luckily, the kept the first person shooter part of the movie to a small segment at the end of the movie, where it worked prefectly. Basically, this is one of those B Movie monster movies with a B+ Level star.

Since when did this turn into a fucking movie review?

PRE VELOCITY:Anyone remember that show on MTV called Fear? That show was fucking awesome. And why don't they even play it in re-runs? I mean, it's getting close to Halloween, I figured they would at least dust it off and bring it out at that time period for a few weeks, right? I guess we have too many episodes of Pimp My Ride to show. That, and it looks like ABC Family ripped it off with "Earth's Scariest Places." Next week's show? My ex-girlfriend's box. And as the only part of the Pre Velocity that has anything to do with Velocity.... They have the matches clearly marked this week, in the correct order. About time Shane.

OPENING MATCH RECAP

No recaps here, bitches! We have a title match here on Velo, as we kick it off with DA VELOWEIGHT CHAMPION, HOMES is Juvi. His opponent to challenge for the Cruiserweight Title is I FLIP OVER TITLE SHOTS! is Paul London. Bells rings, and we circle each other before a lock up. London with an arm lock, but Juvi flips out and reverses it. London with a headlock, shoots London to the ropes and London takes Juvi down with a shoulderblock. Juvi kips up, eats a kick from London and the two back off. Indy respect as they shake hands. Isn't Juvi a heel? Lock up and London rolls up Juvi for two. Juvi small packages London for a two count of his own. Juvi to the ropes, London ducks and goes himself. Juvi hopscotches over, then rolls under. Juvi attempts to leg sweep London, but he jumps over and they face off, ECW style. And thank God the crowd cheers, or I would have to go back in time and beat the fuck out of each and every one of them. Starting with you Row A, Seat 14, Section 102! Juvi gives himself a hand, London charges but Juvi gets wristlock. London reverses it to a wristlock of his own. Josh Matthews: "I can't wait to see what Matt Hardy does on Smackdown!" Probably job to Edge. Despite being on different shows. HIYO! London sweeps Juvi down for 3784 two counts, then Juvi bounces up and over the ropes to the outside. He falls off the apron, jumps back up and shoulders him to the midsection, then hits snake eyes. Juvi to the top, hitting a dropkick for a two count. Juvi goes to the headlock. I find his neon green headband lacking in style. I'm gay like that. Juvi back up with some punchery and kickery to London's head. Juvi to the ropes, but London pops up and counters with a spinning heel kick. Both men are taking a nap, but London slides over for a two count. London hits a drop kick on Juvi again, but the camera misses most of it, so it almost looks like both of them are just flopping around like fish. London holds his back and walks all gay. London to the corner. Juvi charges but misses. London hits the Mushroom Stomp on Juvi. To the opposite turnbuckle as Juvi chops him back down. London back up with some forearms, but Juvi counters with his own. Matthews: "A couple of big elbows for London." He bought them on Ebay. Punchery and Juvi shoots London to the turnbuckle. Juvi charges but it misses. London has Juvi up for an attempted Crucifix Powerbomb, but Juvi, LANDS on his head and STILL hits the hurcanarana roll up for two. Juvi picks London back up and hits a flapjack for a two count. It has taken me three days to get through this fucking match. FUCK YOU LIFE! Juvi goes to the ropes, attempts a crossbody, but London rolls through, picks Juvi up and hits a whirlwind backbreaker for a two count. Both men back up. London attempts the whip to the turnbuckle, but Juvi counters. London hits the corner chest first, hard, then hits Juvi with a knee kick for a two count. London has Juvi on the top turnuckle. London looks to go for a hurcanarana, but Juvi dumps him off. London kicks him off the top, then goes for the springboard dropkick, but Juvi fucking FLIES 60 feet in the air and kicks him mid-air. Wowza! It only gets a TWO count as London gets the ropes before the three. Both men back up for punchery, double clothesline. Both men down, but each up at five. London whips Juvi to the corner, Juvi attempts to float over, but London catches him, but Juvi hits a reverse head scissors that looks SWEET. Juvi yells at me for saying sweet, and hits the Falcon's Arrow for the three count. That was a really good, medium paced match. They didn't take anything too fast, and it worked really well. In fact, it was so good, it took me three days to do. Blame Canada.

EL SECOND EL MATCHO

Why don't these matches count in the Fantasy thing? Fucky A. Out first is WHERE MY MARSHMELLOW PEEPS AT? is Christian. And he gets to take on EVEN THOUGH I DON'T TAG WITH LONDON TONIGHT, I'M STILL GONNA RUN LIKE A RETARD TO THE RING is Brian Kendrick. Did Christian cut his hair shorter? Christian talks some smack and slaps Kendrick. Kendrick gets all uppity with a bunches o' punches and a dropkick. Christian tries to recover in the corner, but Kendrick hits a splash. Christian takes abck over with some Candian Rights, whips Kendrick to the ropes, but Kendrick ducks under, drop toe kicks him to the mat and slaps Christian in the head. Fuck you Kendrick. Christian all angry is up and charges right into a shin kick for a two count. Christian slows Kendrick down with the thumb to the eye, then reverse suplexes him on the ropes and knee lifts him off the fucking apron HARD. YEAH! Fuck that midget up! Christian rolls Kendrick in for a one count. A FUCKING ONE COUNT?!?!?! Christian stalls for time, walking around. Kendrick up with some punches to the midsection, but Christian powers him down, picks him up over his shoulders and hits the gutbuster for a two count. Kendrick mule kicks Christian a couple times, but Christian has none of it, getting Kendrick up and locking in the abdomible stretch. Kendrick elbows out, but Christian stops it with a back elbow, then a reverse Falcon's Arrow for a one count. FUCK YOU BRIAN KENDRICK. Christian attempts a suplex, but Kendrick rolls him up with a small package. If Kendrick wins I will stop watching wrestling. That's it. I'll be done completely. Kendrick to the ropes, but Christian stops him with a running low knee lift. Christian chokes out Kendrick on the ropes a little bit, then eats a boot to the head. Both men down for sleepy spot. Jesus Fucking Christ. It's Goddamn Christian. God, his name is CHRISTian. Can't you hit someone with lightning and give him a fucking win? I missed stuff as I yell. Kendrick up top, but Christian puts a stop to that. Christian, the heel, gets cheers when he poses for the crowd. So Kendrickshoves him off and hits a senton bomb for a two count. Christian gets his boot on the ropes. Kendrick picks him up and looks to go for an Acid Drop, but Christian shoves him off, hits the Unprettier and gets the three count. Thank you God. You were listening to me... Wait... I should have asked for more...

3RD MATCH RECAP
Romero and Matthews do some talkin. You know what their problem is? They have no style. I mean, Tazz has style with his nice ties and kerchefs in the pocket. JR at least has the hat. Coach is bald and wears those stupid glasses. King wears bad club wear shirts. Recap of Kennedy hitting Eddie after Eddie saved Batista. Ortons beat down Batista. You know, when Eddie FINALLY shows his true colors to Batista, it is gonna be so cool. I just have no faith in Eddie being a face. He is much better as a heel. Unless they really are gonna push for Orton/Batista, and this gets Eddie out of the picture. Maybe Eddie/Kennedy? That might be a good feud I suppose. And as I suppose... the recap is over. Yay.

YOUR MAIN EVENTAH!

Out first is BOURNE NAUGHTY. Paul Burchill and William Regal. They face off against CRAP O' DEE 2005. Animal and Heidenreich. God... Heidenreich looks aweful with that face paint. This is for the WWE Tag-Team Belts, so I will die a little more inside when Regal jobs. I'm calling it right now. Regal gets pinned by Animal, proving that there really is a Satan in the world. God... is this gonna be fast at least? I pray for a DQ finish, just so Burchill/Regal aren't pinned. Burchill just beats the fuck out of Heidenreich, then tags in Regal who does some more of the same. English Chops against Heidenreich's chest. Tag to Burchill who covers for a one count. Burchill continues the assault, hitting a fisherman's suplex, two count and a tag to Regal. Heidenreich: "Animal!" Animal: "Chomp Chomp Chomp." cause Animal is eating in the corner. More English violence to Heidenreich, makes me happy. But this all means that there will be a hot tag to Animal here, who cleans house and pins Regal and makes me angry. Brad Smash! Burchill with a wicked looking knee drop for a two count. Burchill locks in a ninja chokeout on Heidenreich, as the fans make me hate them by chanting "LOD!" Late On Dinner? Then get in the fucking kitchen and bake me a pie! Animal gets them to chant USA. Wasn't Heidenreich's character originally border-line Nazi? Hot tag to Animal, who cleans house. Burchill attempts a kick, but Animal catches it and hits a dragon leg takedown. And to further show that God loves me, MNM comes out and beats the fuck out of LOD, causing the DQ. And then the Mexicools come running out to beat up MNM. And then... The Tolands or Shane Twins or whoever the fuck they are beat the shit out of Animal as Burchill/Regal beat down Heidenreich. I'm gonna call them the Shanlands until I know for sure. Since bobody can agree on who they are. Shanlands and the Tea Bags (Regal and Burchill) stare down, but don't attack each other. Cause they're all eeeevvviiillll. And we're out.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Since God is listening to me, can my lotto ticket tonight be a winner so I can make that documentary I want to make? Please? I'll cheer for Jesus on the independant circuit. I swear!