10/28 VELOCITY REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: If I win the lottery tonight, I will send everyone who e-mails me and asks, a dollar. I'll do it. I'm crazy.

PRE VELOCITY: HEAT is live on the internet on Tuesday before the PPV. Don't look for a recap of that until LATE Tuesday Night or Wendesday, as I'm going to my buddy's house and watching the PPV with a few guys. Also, I'm pissed that I voted for the Austin/Coach match, they changed the match, and I can't vote again. Bullshit. I voted Verbal Debate for Austin/Coach! Not Batista/Coach and Golddust and Vader. I'm writing a letter.

OPENING MATCH RECAP

This one match will be better then the entire HEAT show this week put together. That is my prediction. Bank on it.

I wonder how long Christian will be in the opening? He's in there... at least three times it looks like. And like a GOOD show does, we introduce our crappy announcers, HISPANIC TOMMY DREAMER and PLAIN OLD JOSH MATTHEWS. Wow. Out first is I SHOW ALL KIND OF FLARE COMING TO THE RING is Kid Kash, and his opponent, who doesn't even get a VELOCITY intro, is I RAN SO FAST AND STUPIDLY TO THE RING, YOU NEVER SAW ME is Paul London. The two of them trade arm drags for awhile, before London hits a dropkick for a two count. Matthews: "I'm on Dot Com all the time!" WTF? London has had Kash in a headlock for awhile, but Kash reverses it and hits a big backbreaker across the knee, then locks in a bowlock. London has a pretty face. A little... TOO pretty. He somehow punches out of a move where Kash had both his arms behind him, but Kash is all "Get the hell back down" and hits a clothesline to take him back down for an arm wringer. London kicks out. Kash goes for a Russian Leg Sweep, but then picks London up for a backdrop suplex, and instead throws him FORWARD. That looked sweet. Kash locks in a surfboard. Shades of my No Mercy game. London with a shot to the midsection a couple times, then hits a spinning heel kick on Kash. Kash back up, and London dumps him head first to the ropes. London hits a side kick. Shot to the ropes, Kash leapfrogs over and eats a dropsault from London. London picks Kash up for a suplex, wiggles out and hits a head takedown for a two count. To the corner for some Woo Chops. London set on the top turnbuckle. London elbows out and gets to teh apron. London kicks Kash to the head, and springboards over for a victory roll for a two count. London goes to the corner and attempts the mushroom stomp, but Kash avoids it. Both men to the top turnbuckle. London attempts the hurcanarana on Kash, but Kash hold on and London is dropped Face first to the mat . OUCH. Kash jumps up and hits his sweet moonsault for the three count. I wonder if that was a fuck up? If it was or wasn't, it looked sick. My prediction stands correct.

Taboo Tuesday Commercial

EL SECOND EL MATCHO

What club lets you in with t-shirts? Serious?

TNA'S MONTY BROWN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING CALLED UP is Bobby Leshley. In the ring is I WANT NO PARTain IN THIS MATCH is Jason Partain, playing the role of our jobber this evening. Matthews: "Lashley is bigger then my apartment." He gets points for cuteness. I imagine Matthews lives in some sort of box smaller then a man. Partain wants a test of strength, but Lashley fireman takedowns him. That wasn't proper English. Lashley picks up Partain, doesn't hit a move, but then swipes him down. Lashley hits a big boot to knock Partain outside. Lashley follows and military presses Partain over his head and tosses him back in the ring. Partain attempts a kick, but Lashley catches it and hits a arm thrust for the takedown. Lashley hits a belly to belly suplex, then picks Partain up for his finisher... which I don't know if they named it "The Beginning of The End" in a blantant ripoff of The Viking King, but that may or may not be the case. Nunzio and Vito come out and jump Lashley from behind, so that Lashley can squash them both and tosses them out of the ring. I have a feeling that Lashley is gonna squash them in their match on Smackdown too. Sigh...

3RD MATCH RECAP

STAY IN THE BACK PAT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN is Sylvan. Only people who watch TNA will know what I'm talking about, and even that's not a guarantee. Sylvan has a mic "Tank you!" No, tank you. "As you know, I am the first supermodel, superstar, in WWE history." Isn't everyone a superstar? He said some other stuff, but I kind of glazed it over. I think he hit on the crowd. His opponent is VELOCITY, NUMBA ONE, JOBBA! is Funaki. Sylvan kicks him some, then hits a couple backbreakers. More punchery. What is this, HEAT? Sylvan shoots Funaki into the corner once. Twice. Three times. Everyone... DANCE! Sylvan with a backdrop suplex, and then points at some girl the WWE planted in the crowd. Funaki with a few elbows to the midsection, but it does no good, as Sylvan's Sexiness overtakes Funaki, and he hits some kicks and ANOTHER backbreaker. Another whip to the ropes, and Sylvan locks in a bear hug. Bear Hugs in Wrestling = Crowd killer. I don't care who used the move. Sylvan can't knock out Funaki with the hug, so he rams him. In the corner. Get your head out of the gutter. That's it Sylvan, LOCK IN THE BEAR HUG AGAIN! That'll show them damn Asians! Funaki elbows out. I feel like this won't help. I'm sort of right, cause Sylvan picks up Funaki and attempts a backdrop suplex, but Funaki rolls forward and hits a crossbody that Sylvan recovers from first. Funaki with an enziurgi that I don't know how to spell. Sylvan STILL up first with some punches. Funaki finally punches back. Sylvan shoots Funaki to the corner, cause it hasn't been done before. Sylvan misses the splash, and hits the bulldog. Funaki to the corner and up top to hit the flying crossbody. Funaki bitch slaps Sylvan and goes for the Tornado DDT, but Sylvan shoves him off and hits a one-handed slam. Romero's words. Not mine. Sylvan picks Funaki up, and hits a delayed inverted suplex for the win.

YOUR MAIN EVENTAH!

Recap of the six man tag-team match on Smackdown. I fast forward.

Out first is WOW, I'M KIND OF HOT is Jillian Hall. She apparently wears some sort of headgear to cover her boil thing. Her opponent, in what will undoubtedly be a five star classic, is I HAD BETTER POST FOR PLAYBOY IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, OR TORRIE WILSON AND I CAN SHARE BEAUTY TIPS IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE is Stacy Keibler. Jillian with a kick and puts Stacy in the corner. Jillian with another kick, and headlock takedown. Jillian: "You want long legs, huh?" as Jillian hits her to the midsection. Jillian shoots Stacy to the ropes, attempts a monkey flip, but Stacy cartwheels out. Fuck you Stacy. Stacy hits the worst Spinning Heel Kick in Wrestling for a two count. Stacy with the foot choking that she loves to do. Stacy shoots Jillian to the ropes. Jillian with a sunset flip, which results in the same pinning combonation that Stacy and Torrie would where they roll all over the ring, cause it's supposed to be sexy. I miss alot of Jillian just generally beating the crap out of Stacy. Jillian chokes out Stacy on the ropes, and covers for a two count. Jillian with a half bow, then a modified bow. Stacy flips Jillian out of it, then tosses Jillian out of the ring. Way to sell, Stacy. Stacy with the spinning heel kick, then goes to the corner for some moutned punching. Jillian shoves her off, and puts her feet on the ropes for the three count.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Velocity is HellaBetter then HEAT. Consistantly. Jillian Hall needs to lose that thing on her face. I still say that if she is supposed to be with JBL, that JBL "in theory" would have the money to pay for her to get it removed, and thus look... NORMAL. Cause... she looked smokin hot in that wrestling gear.