12/3 VELOCITY REBEAK
BLOGGING IT UP: I've been drinking heavily. Normally I go out to dinner every Saturday night, but it's snowing alot, so I stayed in with my buddy Jason, and we're emptying the fridge of a few cases of beer before we go out later. Wowza. Later is getting sooner. I better get this done. Thank God for Spell Chack.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
PRE VELOCITY: Yes, I go sing Kareokee every Saturday night. Fuck yo couch.
The power is back. Quick! Everyone look at the power... BETWEEN MY LEGS! BWA HA HA!
We show the Smackdown Special from Tuesday, where Mysterio took it to Big Slow. Big Slow powerbombed Mysterio on the hood of the low rider. Why the fuck is there a low rider around here? Rey hit Big Slow with a chair, because he's a dirty cheater. Good thing Kane came out to make sure it was fair. Cause Lord knows Big Slow can't beat Rey on his own. But that's ok. Undertaker will melt out of the darkness for no reason, considering there isn't a single person he's feuding with IN the ring. And then Randy Orton can shit on the entire feelings of everyone that misses Eddie, and destroy the low rider. It's a good thing I already hate Randy Orton. To further show that Vince hates me, he'll probably put the belt on him in the near future. Fuck you Orton. You no-talent, dumb-shit finisher asshole.
We are finally introduced to our hosts, STEVE RRRRROMERO LOVES RRRRUDABAGAS and I HAVE NO FOREIGN TONGUE TO PRONOUNCE THAT. Steve Romero and Josh Matthews. We get a reshowing of Randy Orton Vs. Matt Hardy from Smackdown, because Shane heard me bitching about Orton, and put him on Velocity. This is a quality show! Matt Hardy got a two count. Yeah. You go ahead and believe you can win. And believe that your brother isn't a retard too. Matt can't hit the Twist of Fate, but he sure can go up top to miss a moonsault and hit his head on Randy Orton. That's all, as Orton hits his shitty finisher to end this shitty recap of a recap video. Where the fuck are my Cruiserweights?
Finally, after four weeks, the Bret Hart DVD Commercial was not placed here. I feel robbed.
BECAUSE SHANE MCMAHON HATES ME, ANOTHER RECAP
We're back with our two shlubs... I mean hosts, as they are now going to show me the Benoit Vs. Booker T match from the Smackdown Special. So... I didn't need to watch ANY WWE Programming on UPN this week? I just had to watch the website. Cause the entire TWO shows this week are on here, clipped down. Do recapped wrestlers getting recapped get nicknames?
BILL S. PRESTON, ESQ and TEDD LOGAN are in the ring, cause they went through time to show me this match. Benoit is chopping Booker, and continues to do so for a good 30 seconds. Booker tries to fight back, but Benoit continues his chopping. Sharmel is ugly. Benoit hits a belly to belly, then a second, and a third for a two count. Sharmel thought it was over. No it wasn't. Doesn't she know that the timer hasn't given up yet? Did I say given? I missed some stuff, and Booker T got a two count somehow. Booker goes to the ropes, and Benoit clotheslines him to the mat hard. Benoit with a German suplex. Benoit signals that it's ovah! He's going up top, but Sharmel gets her skank prom queen ass on the apron, and Benoit just goes back in the ring and Germans Booker back down. Benoit up top again. Benoit off, and hits the flying headbutt. Both men dazed, Benout covers, but Booker kicks out at two. Booker to the apron, hits a shoulder and an eye rake on Benoit, attempts to suplex Benoit to the outside, but Benoit lands on the apron, and tires to German Booker off. Shades of Angle. It doesn't work, and Booker dumps Benoit off, and rolls him back in the ring. Booker gets a two count, as Benoit kicked out without moving at all. HE'S A FUCKING MAGICIAN! Benoit back up and Germans Booker down, Booker back up first, hits the scissors kick for the three count. Speaking of which, what IS Shannon Moore doing with himself these days?
Recap of Booker and Benoit brawling on Friday Night Smackdown, with Benoit crossfacing Booker on the outside as Sharmel shrieks and slaps him. Yay.
Shawn Michaels book commercial. It's in the same spot. But Bret Hart's DVD Commercial wasn't. It's the Montreal Screwjob all over again.
HOLY SHIT! A MATCH?
No. Orlando Jordon is in the ring, so it isn't really a match. Out first is AM I STILL EMPLOYED HERE? is O.J. His opponent is TJ HOOKER HAD A KID WITH TAMMY DALTON, AND HERE I AM. He is TJ Dalton. TJ is all head shaky, like a wiener. In fact, he looks like a wiener. OJ agrees, and punches him down, lays in some kickery, and smashes his head into the corner. OJ hits a headtoss, the video catches so I miss something, OJ jumps up into the air, hangs in mid-air for the next three minutes, and hits something, then pins somebody. Maybe the ref. Maybe a fan. I gave up two minutes ago. Just know that OJ won. You can all now sleep easy, I know.
There is no match. There is no spoon. We recap the Kane/Big Slow Vs. JBL/Rey tag match from Smackdown. So, is Kane and Big Slow gonna wrestle on Smackdown now? Did I already ask that questions? Should I give them nicknames? THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, I GAVE BIG SLOW A COOKIE and MMMMMM COOKIE are Kane and Big Show. They face off against AREN'T I A HEEL THAT WAS FEUDING WITH REY and DUDE, WHERE'S MY PARTNER. JBL and Rey Mysterio. JBL bails out on Rey, leaving him to Big Show and Kane. Watch out! Kane's gonna barbeque you and feed you to Show! RUN REY! RUN! Big Show grabs Rey, puts him in his mouth, chews on him like Stampy from Simpsons, and spits him out in the middle of the ring, and pins him. End of match. Batista shows up. Hillarity ensues. I close the window.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Recaps? Fucking RECAPS? I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING RECAPS! I will now, due to popular demand (yes, people ASKED me to recap this) the in-ring debut of... The Boogeyman. Fuck yo couch!
We start out backstage with the new no-name bitch that I don't care enough to remember her name. She's interviewing Simon Dean. Keep in mind, I have not seen this yet. So this is all knee-jerk reactions, and... I'm drunk. It took me five times to type drunk. HEY! Her name is Crystal. Or maybe Krystal. Whatever. She asks Simon Dean if he's afraid of the Boogeyman. Simon says he isn't, as we see screencaps of previous Boogey appearances. Simon shows off his Simon Systen, and then lifts up a lid, and Boogey's head is there, singing songs and eating worms. POKE HIM IN THE EYES YOU IDIOT! Boogey can't get what Boogey can't see. We go to teh ring, where Simon throws his bars at Boogey, screaming "Nice Boogey!" Boogey keeps worms in his pockets, and eats them. Boogey kicks Simon, declares himself to be the Boogeyman, because I can't read the WWE's captions, and slams Simon for a three count. Was that it? Shenanigans. Boogeyman should use people's fears against them. He could have brought out cheeseburgers for Simon. And then he could bring out empty piggybanks for JBL. He could show up with caskets for Randy Orton. He could show up with wrestling moves for Chris Masters. Hell, he could show up and bang Ashley in front of Matt Hardy, and then smash Ken Kennedy's microphone.
Wow... Spell check caught alot of problems with this recap. I need more beer. HOORAY BEER!