12/11 VELOCITY REBEAK



BLOGGING IT UP: You know what's wierd? In the Smackdown Vs. RAW 2006 Video Game, they have the opening videos for RAW and Smackdown. And they have people in those videos that aren't in the game. I just find it odd I guess...

I love that game though.

BRAD LIKES
Chess
Boobies
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Beer
Kareokee
Smackdown Vs. RAW 2006

PRE VELOCITY: Two shows? No recaps? SHANE READS MY COLUMNS! YES! If the power keeps coming back, who keeps turning it off? Assholes...

OPENING MATCH

Tag-Team wrestling is ALIVE on Smackdown. Out first is DFEINITELY NOT A COUPLE OF PUSSIES. They are James and Chad Dick. Their opponents are 2 HOTTY TO WIN. Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki. Chad and Funaki to start out. Gee... I wonder who's gonna win this match? Lockup, Chad gets Funaki in the corner, and shoves him. Funaki shoves him back and hip tosses him down. Funaki with some armwringery, tag out to Scotty, who also tries out some arm wringery. Star Jones is Ug-Gly. Chad finally gets Scotty in the corner, hits some fore-armery, tag out to James. James shoots Scotty to the ropes. Scotty slides under James, and does some dancing. Scotty with two hip tosses and a side headlock. Animal and Heidenreich are at the top of the ramp for no reason, apparently wanting to beat them for the Tag-Team belts. Dude... they're gonna bury the tag champs next week by having them lose to Rey and Batista. Funaki came in somewhere and hit an inverted atomic drop, allowing Scotty to hit the bulldog and the W-O-R-M that beat me in the Smackdown Vs. RAW game. Fucking Scotty. They keep cutting to shots of LOD's backs, so I miss things, as now Chad has tagged in, and has Scotty down... he's down in the Dick's corner. Looking very limp. Chad tags out to James. James with some forearms (I'm guessing, I missed something again. Fucking camera) and now has a front headlock on Scotty. Scotty attempting to get over for the hot tag, breaks the hold, charges James but James grabs him. James attempts a backdrop suplex, but Scotty flips over and tags in Funaki. Funaki with a cross body on James. Bulldog to Chad. Dropkick to James. Back body drop on Chad. Back body drop on James. Bulldog/Headscissors combo on both dicks. Man, those Dicks are getting POUNDED. Funaki up top, hits the flying cross-body, but James rolls through to cover for two. Broken up by Scotty. The Dicks dump Scotty, cause Scotty and Dicks don't get along. Double team flapjack on Funaki, and the mounted leg drop off the top rope gets the three count.

WM Anthology Commercial.

BECAUSE SHANE MCMAHON HATES LOVES ME, A SECOND MATCH

DIDN'T BOOGEYMAN EAT ME OR SOMETHING is Simon Dean. He has some problems with his scooter. His opponent is BLACK LIKE A COLEMAN GRILL. He is Caprice Coleman. Simon is on the mic, acknowledging that he had to wrestle Boogeyman. At least Simon always acknowledges stuff that happens to him from week to week. Apparently Caprice thinks it's funny. Simon attacks Caprice, goes to the ropes and eats an armdrag from Caprice. Better have been low-fat. Caprice with some punchery and a headlock. Simon shoves him to the corner and hits a clothesline, goes to the second rope and hits a falling boot. Simon locks in that wierd-ass head smash that makes him look like he's humping Caprice's head. Simon hits a falling elbow for a one count. Simon has Caprice up, but eats some elbows. There's goes his carbs for the day. Caprice with an armdrag. Simon with a legsweep and elbow drop, then locks in one of his cool mounted surfboards. Cover for two. Simon with an oddball octopus submission on the mat. It looks like Simon is growing out of Caprice's stomach, like that episode of Family Guy where the world ends cause of Y2K. Caprice able to fight out, hits some punchery to Simon, takes him down, hits a high drop kick, and another. Hits an arm wringer and side kick, then a nice looking spinning heel kick to the back of Simon's head. Caprice covers for two. Caprice shoots Simon to the corner, charges in, misses flipping over himself to the mat. Simon hits his swinging neckbreaker for the three count. Nice little match. Get that kid in OVW. Tell him Brad sent ya...

MORE TAG-MATCHES??? DID I TURN ON IMPACT OR SOMETHING???

I spoke too soon... Recap of the Orton/Undertaker feud with lots of still pictures flashed over the screen. This goes on for FOUR FUCKING MINUTES.

Out first is WE FLIP FOR UNDERTAKER VIDEO PACKAGES is Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Their opponets are NOBODY ASKS ME FOR PIZZA ANYMORE is Vito and Nunzio. Who's gunna start? I will! BOOK ME! Brian and Nunzio to start, cause Vince figured out that I have no workrate. Which is why this recap is late. Fire me? I'm already fired. Lots of arm lockery and rolling around on the canvas like turnips to start. Turnips roll? That's how I roll... like a turnip. Brian got a roll up and a two count while I'm ramble on, and then got a secon one. Nunzio shoots Brian to the ropes... wait... I got that backwards... Nunzio kicks Brian to the midsection, so he tags in London. London hits a high cross-body for a one count. London hits a scoopslam and a running senton for a two count. When London did the scoopslam, he yelled like a dork. I also find it funny that in WWE Smackdown Vs. RAW, London can't win no matter what roster he's on in the General Manager mode. He's like Samson. He lost his tassles, and now he can't win. London picks up Nunzio and tags in Brian. Double team hip toss and kip up, so Vito can clothesline them both back down. Nunzio attempts a backdrop suplex, but Brian flips over and shoves him towards Vito. Vito and Nunzio both in, attempt a double team clothesline, but London hits the dropsault on both of them. Brian covers Nunzio for a two count. Puts him to the ropes and rolls him up for a one count. Vito hits Brian in the head, but the ref is distracted, cause he's retarded. Tag in to Vito. Vito shoots Brian to the ropes and hits a clothesline, tag in to Nunzio. Vito with a wristlock takedown on Brian, Nunzio hits a dropkick to the face and covers for two. Nunzio locks in a sitdown hammerlock. Brian powers up, but Nunzio hairpulls him back to the mat. Nunzio with an elbow drop for a two count. Vito back in, hits a powerslam and springboard splash off the corner for a one count, broken up by London. Tag in to Nunzio. Nunzio with a snapmare, scoopslam and goes up top. Nunzio goes for The Stupid, cause Brian gets the boot up, catching Nunzio on the chin. Nunzio attempts a something... but Brian hits a neckbreaker and gets the hot tag to London. London with punchery and kickery to Nunzio, shoots Nunzio to the ropes and hits a headscissors. London shoots Nunzio to the corner, no it's reversed, Nunzio eats an elbow coming in on teh charge, London hits the Mushroom Stomp and a spinning heel kick for two. Vito breaks it up. Nunzio up top, hits the Sicilian Shooter for two, broken up by Brian. Vito in, throws Brian around. Nunzio and Vito attempt the double team suplex on London, but Brian grabs London and pulls him out, double team superkicks to Vito and Nunzio. Brian springboards off London's back to hit Vito on the outside. London catches a boot from Nunzio, spins him around, ducks a clothesline, Brian back in, grabs him in a Rock Bottom, London hits the heel kick to the back of the head, and that gets a three count. Wait... didn't I say London couldn't win matches?

YOUR MAIN EVENTAH! RECAP

Dear God... I might have a skinny white Viscera on Velocity. Out first here is THE ONLY THING I'M MISSING IN THIS ALTERNATE UNIVERSE IS THE EVIL GOATEE. He is Sylvan, and he's on the mic declaring himself a sex machine. See? He's Viscera in this world! And now he gives out his room number at his hotel room. I'd laugh if it was actually Viscera's room. Sylvan: "Bring all your girlfriends!" Me: "Cause we're getting PEEEDDicures!!!!" His opponent is I WILL NOT DIE, BUT I'LL HANG OUT ON VELOCITY LIKE A ZOMBIE is Matt Hardy. Seriously... you lose Eddie Guerrero, you lose Christian, Batista is injured but working, and you lost Ken Kennedy. Could we AT LEAST put Matt Hardy on Smackdown? I understand not giving him any US Title shots until the Booker/Benoit thing is cleared up. To be honest, I'd be into a Benoit/Hardy program. And it could just be the thing Hardy needs. Lockup, Sylvan gets Hardy on the ropes, cause he likes it like that. Sylvan smacks Hardy on the face. Hardy shoves Sylvan to the mat and mocks his Vogue pose. Sylvan to the ropes, reverses the whip, attempts to leapfrog, but Matt sees it and punches him in the face. Hardy shoots Sylvan to the corner, Sylvan attempts to float over, but Hardy sees it, and gets more punchery. Hardy smashes Sylvan's head into the turnbuckle 8 times, according to the crowd, then dumps him out of hte ring. Hardy follows, throws Sylvan back in the ring and gets a side headlock. Sylvan gets out with some knees, shoots him to the ropes, and Hardy kicks him to stop it. Sylvan dumps Hardy out of the ring by pulling on the pants, goes outside and rams Hardy in the apron. Cause Sylvan likes to ram it in the apron... sicko. Where the hell is Kid Kash? Oh yeah... he was on Smackdown... never mind. Sylvan in control back in the ring with punchery, shoots Hardy to the corner hard, picks him up and hits a gutbuster for a two count. Sylvan shoots Hardy to the ropes and gets an octopus, holding the ropes for leverage behind the ref's back. The ref acts like he didn't see anything. Didn't they do this last week? Hardy powers himself out with some punches, and hits the Side Effect so everyone can take a nap in the ring. The two are back up, exchanging blows, Hardy wins, goes to the ropes and clotheslines him down. Sylvan back up, Hardy with a neckbreaker for a two count. Hardy has Sylvan back up, shoots him to the corner, and hits a clothesline. Hardy attempts a side headlock slam, but Sylvan counters and hits a slam for a two count. Sylvan shoots Hardy to the corner, charges in, eats a boot from Hardy. Hardy attempts the AHHHHHHHHHHH Leg Drop, but Sylvan rolls out of the way. Hardy lands on his feet and hits the Twist of Fate for the three count. At least Hardy won. I was worried there.

FINAL THOUGHTS: God I wish there was more Cruiserweight matches here... But hey, a few tag matches is in the right direction.